Paths to Dwell In

By Cyndi

The other night I was helping my son study for a vocabulary test, and I have to admit, there were some words on the list that I didn’t know. But one which I did know was idiosyncrasy. What a great word. Isn’t it fun just to say it? It has a unique feel about it. I feel different just for saying it. The definition of it, according to dictionary.com, is “a characteristic, habit, mannerism, or the like, that is peculiar to an individual.” Hmm…I know a verse that mentions the word “peculiar,” 1 Peter 2:9—“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people…”

It is so interesting to see how diversified we all are. Each one of us has certain quirks and tell-tale signs that identify us. We have different likes and dislikes. We have our own marked style of how we talk, how we walk, how we dress, and how we eat. For example, take eating Oreo cookies. You will find multiple modes of what some say are the “right” way to do this. I know within my family there are at least three “best” procedures to eat them, and they all must include milk. However, the fact is, there is no right or wrong method, just your own.

One of my idiosyncrasies is how I put my shoes and socks on always left foot first. The order has to be left sock, left shoe, right sock, right shoe. I do not know why I do this, but I do. Just like I have always put my left earring on first before my right, and wear my watch on my right wrist instead of my left. I have some peculiar habits that make me who I am and not someone else.

God delights in our individuality. He created us in His image (Gen. 1:26), yet has given each one of us our own characteristics, distinguishing us one from another. We all develop unique habits and mannerisms that pertain solely to us, making us peculiar people. We are supposed to be diverse. Revel and enjoy your idiosyncrasies. You are special.

The other day Robert and I were going to go grab a bite to eat for lunch. He suggested a sandwich shop or a pizza place, but I was in the mood for Chinese food. After a brief discussion, we ended up getting Chinese take-out. I knew what I had wanted so I stated it clearly, but not demandingly. As we drove away, the Lord reminded me of some changes that have taken place in my life over the last few years.

There was a point in time where I could hardly make a decision on my own. If you would have asked me what I wanted to do, without thinking I would have replied, “I don’t care, whatever you want.” If you would have asked me where I wanted to go out for dinner, I would have replied, “I don’t care, wherever you want.” If you would have asked me what movie I wanted to see, I would again have replied, “I don’t care, whatever one you would like.” It wasn’t that I really didn’t care, though I thought so at the time, it was that I didn’t know what I truly felt. I didn’t take the time to think and ask myself those questions—I thought my point of view had no value.

My emotions had been pushed so far down in order to please others and “follow the rules,” that I had stopped considering what my own feelings were or what opinions I might have.  This happened because I allowed my emotional boundaries to be crossed—I had allowed others to tell me what I should think and feel.

Boundaries are where one thing stops and another thing begins.  Think about borders of countries or even a fence, for example—one area is separated from another.  In people, there can be physical, mental and emotional boundaries that define who we are, and who we are not. Whenever these lines are crossed without permission, it takes away from my personhood, blurring the point of what makes me, me and you, you.

If I agree with everybody and everything, changing my beliefs, opinions, and morals to morph with whomever I am with, then I am not defined. I become like a child, as Paul states in Ephesians 4:14, who is “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine.”

Others can influence me to the point where I really don’t know what I believe, nor why. My own personhood doesn’t get developed. I stop making decisions based on what I think or want because I’m more concerned with what others think or want. Eventually, for me, this led to believing that they really do know what’s best and that my views or impressions didn’t have any value or worth.  I didn’t set an emotional boundary that said, “You have a right to your likes and dislikes, and I have a right to mine.”

At times I still struggle to set boundaries with others, but knowing Father God sees me as a unique individual with value, and Who made me different from others for a reason, has given me great strength and courage to define myself.  My decision making has gotten better too. Now, if I say, “I don’t care, whatever you want,” then it’s because I already thought about it, and I truly don’t have a preference. Although Chinese food is one of my favorites.

By Cyndi

How do we Christians come across to the world around us? What do our friends, family, and co-workers think about our Christianity? Do we display the attributes of Christ in our daily lives? I was challenged by these questions just the other day and wondered how I appear to the people I meet every day.

Last week I was having a conversation with a friend and afterwards I realized that I dominated the conversation. It was all about me. What pride! Oh, I asked about how she was doing but I wasn’t really listening. I was waiting to share some more things about me the minute she stopped talking. And then when I got caught in traffic driving to another part of town, I was extremely impatient and furious with all the incompetent drivers I was around. “If they could all just drive like me it would be so much better,” I thought. Yes, dear reader, sometimes my Christianity is quite hard and harsh. It’s not always a pretty sight.

So I picked up Andrew Murray’s Humility book and decided it was time to re-read it again. (I think this is one of those books you need to read at least once a year—at least I need to.) I found this particular line quite interesting:

In striving after the higher experiences of the Christian life, the believer is often in danger of aiming at and rejoicing in what one might call the human, the manly, virtues, such as boldness, joy, contempt of the world, zeal, self-sacrifice, while the deeper and gentler, the diviner and more heavenly graces, poverty of spirit, meekness, humility, lowliness, are scarcely thought of or valued (pg. 56).

So I can take the “onward Christian soldiers” approach, plowing through everything and everyone who gets in my way of living for God, or I can attempt to live by the “more heavenly graces,” as Murray says. If I were humble, I would carefully listen to my friend share about how she was doing—her challenges, her delights—so that I could pray for her or rejoice with her as Rom. 12:15 instructs me to do. If I were meek and lowly, I would not stress out in traffic, or get angry and judge the inapt drivers, but be patient and kind instead—-preferring others (Rom. 12:10).

I have repented for my rude behavior of the past and am trying to focus on the sensitive side of Christianity. Yes, I still think there is a place for the harder, stronger virtues of fasting, fearless preaching, and warring in the Spirit, but maybe our world needs to see more of the softer, gentler, loving and forgiving attributes of us Christians.

Closed Theological System

One of my main mentors was Jack Frost. When I first came to work with him I had a somewhat closed theological system. I had a set of fixed ideas about God and doctrine and I was not that open to anything that went outside my box. Jack was very different.

Teachable and Diligent

He was first of all teachable. There were certain key books God used in his life that he had read fifteen times or more. Not only was he open to new ideas, he understood what it took to really get a hold of them and incorporate them to where he lived on a daily basis. We give this kind of effort in school to learn new material. A given class might include lectures, a textbook, several other books to read, and a research paper. However, now that we are older, we seem to have the idea that we can read one book just one time and it will change our lives forever.

Willing to Try

The next thing I noticed about Jack was that he was not afraid to try. He would at times make adjustments to his teaching, not always having it perfect from the start, however, the important thing was that he was willing to consider new thoughts and open to try them.

A Personal Example                                                                                                                                                  

About a year ago I found myself really stuck in my walk with the Lord. I heard a minister I respected mention that God has taught the church many things about deliverance and generational sin and some of it actually works. That struck right at one of my theological boxes. Because of ways I have considered the deliverance movement “out of balance,” I had thrown the whole thing out. A short time later I had an opportunity to be ministered to by this same man, and he recommended some deliverance and generational sin stuff I could pray through. I was desperate enough to try it. Guess what? It worked, I found whole new areas of freedom in my life. In the type of prayer ministry that I do, these are still not the primary tools I use, but I have a whole lot more respect for them than I used to.

With a closed theological system there is little possibility for growth.  Meekness really is the passkey.

By Robert

The development of personhood is a powerful concept in helping us move towards maturity and intimacy in all our relationships. This concept (the state or condition of being a person) has gripped me. The idea that it can be diminished through abuse and developed through respect explains many things. When mental, emotional, and physical boundaries are crossed; when we are controlled, manipulated, told how to think or not permitted to feel; when physical abuse or violations occur, we are then treated like an object rather than a person, thus taking away our personhood.

A married couple struggled with compulsive shopping and dieting. These addictions had really affected their marriage in ways that they had not identified. When issues came up for them to deal with, each found a way to avoid confrontation or discussion by choosing to escape using the spending or dieting. In that way, there was no deepening of rapport, no building of mutual understanding from one issue or conflict to the next. They moved away from intimacy instead of towards it. In a sense, they treated each other like objects, diminishing each other’s personhood.

People often feel unconsciously threatened by their lack of control in certain areas. When they gravitate to controlling responses as the single answer, not only does the relationship fail to grow and deepen, but also they as individuals fail to mature in the process of interacting with normal life challenges and experiences.

Personhood cannot be developed without respect of boundaries-mental, emotional and physical. When there is control rather than respect, intimacy is lost in all relationships.

The older I get, the more I see that life is all about endurance, not quick fixes. This is not to say it is about just getting by or coasting, no; it is about seeing a mountain in front of you and taking on the challenge to climb it, even if you know it will take years to do.  Then after going to that summit, looking for the next one to climb and conquer. It is a long-term life trek.

I personally have taken on the challenge to run a marathon this year and I have been training for months. This is a long-term goal I am working towards.  Paul, in 2 Timothy 4, talks to us about living that marathon life-of enduring, longsuffering, watching, and fighting, to finish our course. Our society today is not real big on any of these. Technology is usually designed to make things easier on us, not harder. But our lives should be different from the world; we are to walk through a narrow gate, not the wider, more comfortable one.

When our problems are fixed quickly, we tend to fall back and get more lenient, not necessarily seeking the Lord every day; but when there are challenges and mountains ahead of us, we fall on our faces and cry out for mercy.  This is the true life of a Christian-diligently seeking Him, going for those insurmountable odds, knowing that it is His grace that causes us to triumph, and believing “I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me!” And notice that it is “I.” It is not Him doing it, we are. “We” have to get intotraining, pick up our hiking sticks, our running shoes, and learn how to do it. He will strengthen us, but it is us who has to walk it out.  Let us take our responsibility to finish our course, leaning on Him for guidance, and going for the summit regardless of the pain and discomfort. We are overcomers taking our life-long trek of 26.2 miles, one step at a time.

By Robert

What would your life be like if you never procrastinated? What could you accomplish if you had the ability to step out and try anything you wanted? There are reasons people get stuck in ruts. Most of us have gone down the “try harder” route so many times we have lost hope. However, it is possible to find the motivation to pursue your dreams. The following quote illustrates this well.

“A manager loses his cool and berates an employee in front of the rest of the team. He thinks his tirade was good for productivity because the rant ’scared people straight,’ but their fear soon settles into caution. To perform at their best, the team members need to take risks, stretch themselves beyond their comfort zone, and even make some mistakes along the way. No one on the team wants to be the manager’s next target, so the team members play it safe and do only as they are told. When the manager gets docked a year later for leading a team that fails to take initiative, he wonders what’s wrong with the team” (Bradberry, Greaves, p.66 Emotional Intelligence 2.0).

Taking initiative involves risk. The only way a person can do this is if they feel safe. Often our parents first taught us that we live in a safe or unsafe environment. We learn early if we are free to take initiative even though we might fail.

Fear of failure is rooted here. In shame-based family rule systems, you are never to be out of control and never to be vulnerable. Somebody might get hurt. The answer to being more intentional in your life is not in trying harder. It is in dealing with the roots in your family system that creates the problem.

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1 Tim 4:2—speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron.

The subject of conscience and empathy is quite fascinating. On the far bad end of the scale you have the sociopath, who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. Their chief characteristic is a lack of empathy because they cannot feel another’s pain. From this far end is a broad middle, where most of us have a conscience functioning at some level. What is fascinating is the role our conscience can play in keeping us from sin and moving us toward intimacy with the Lord when functioning well at the good end. John Sanford describes this well:

“There are two kinds of conscience. There is an active conscience, which causes remorse after the sin. It operates by the law. It seldom if ever works powerfully enough before the event to prevent it. It reminds us that we have failed the Lord and ourselves, but seldom if ever makes us aware of our brother’s hurt. It makes us aware only that we failed to be what we set out to be. It seldom moves us to real repentance. Repentance happens when we are hurt for the sake of the Lord and others. Remorse remains self-centered and is seen in terms of our own failure to perform.”

Then there is a healthy conscience that leads to real repentance, which “is a result of the gift of love. If I love someone, and my spirit is awake and alert, it checks me before I do a potentially harmful deed. Love constrains me because I cannot stand to hurt the one I love.”

(P.122, Healing the Wounded Spirit, John Sanford)