Paths to Dwell In

How to be Free of Almost Anything or Have You Got Shame?

Family Systems

Understanding shame is an absolutely huge key to freedom. In psychology, there is a concept called Family Systems. It is simply a consideration of a family’s patterns or “systems” of interaction with one another. For example, most of us would be familiar with the idea that in an alcoholic family everyone gets sick, not just the one drinking. But there are two core ways family members interact with one another: 1) on a foundation of respect, or 2) on a foundation of shame. The reality is that the majority of families have some mixture of both. What does this have to do with walking in freedom? Everything!  (Please see psychology footnote)

Respect vs. Shame

A respect base, in a nutshell, has to do with valuing one another’s opinions, rights, or personhood. Problems and conflicts do not result in attacking the other’s identity. Disagreements are talked out and resolution is found. A shame base mixes behavior and identity. It communicates insult-the person not only did wrong, but they are wrong! People communicate this in a thousand different ways. A key concept behind shame is that it treats a person as an object, disregarding their feelings, their personhood. Just as pornography treats a woman as an object, so relationship “cutoffs” (an expression of shame) treats any person as an object. Most families have some level of shaming interaction. Shame-based interaction supports and maintains all addictive and compulsive behavior, including drug, alcohol, and sex addiction, as well as struggles with overeating, overspending and even emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Intimacy

A relationship “cutoff” is when in any way my words or attitudes demean another, or any time I give someone the silent treatment. This communicates shame to the one receiving it. These little foxes are not so little. They do not just cut off general relationship, they cut off intimacy. The problem is that God created us for intimacy, and if we do not find it in legitimate ways, we will find it in illegitimate ways. This is why shame brings anxiety and loneliness, and drives us to fill that void with “something” (drugs, sex, food, money, control).

Learning to recognize shame does not solve all our problems but it does reveal to us where the problems lie. If we can see that we can see how to pray over it and get free.

Footnote

Psychology – “Psych” means soul and “ology” means the study of. Just as with biology or geology or any other science, things can be learned through observation and testing. This in no way implies that we can bypass the cross and blood of Jesus for any real help anyone can receive. However, the insights can be very useful in helping us understand how to apply the cross and the blood. Nowhere does the Bible claim to be an exhaustive study of man’s behavior. Just because the Bible does not explicitly spell out the concept of family systems does not mean we cannot glean some insight from the concept. The Bible also does not spell out the laws governing aerodynamics or the combustion engine either, but none of us contemplates ceasing to drive or fly. To hit a little closer to home, there is nowhere in the Bible where anyone ever prayed a sinner’s prayer.

By Cyndi

                Have you been “dissed” lately? You know-disappointed, disillusioned, discouraged, or disheartened? These days there are many reasons to be described by such large vocabulary words; but for me, on a personal level, I’ve gotten discouraged with my running.

                In March, I ran a great 15K race. I ran great, felt great, finished great, everything was great. I rested for a week, and then went back to running again. I knew better than to keep the same pace and level of running that I had been at, so I tried to ease back in slowly. But after just a few weeks, I hit this wall of pain. It seemed like my legs were sore all over. At night, they’d be hurting when I went to bed. In the morning, they were hurting when I woke up. All day, every muscle seemed to be in some sort of pain.

                I tried running through the achiness, thinking, once I got warmed up, the pain would go away. This worked for several runs, but finally the day came where I ran for only two miles and the agony was too much. My running form was suffering badly and I had to completely stop. I had been in anguish when I’d started, and I almost collapsed when I had finished. It was time to cease from running for a while and rest my body. How discouraging! I’d gotten bit by the running bug and almost felt addicted. (You runners understand, don’t you?) And now I had to stop. I was so disappointed.

                So the Lord brought me to the verses about the children of Israel going in to their promised land. When the Israelites left Egypt to go to the land God had promised them, they ran into one obstacle after another during their travels-the Red Sea, no water, multiple enemies in the land they would have to expel out, just to name a few. It was a long journey and scriptures record that “the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way” (Numbers 21:4).

                This was how I felt about running. In some ways, we all can get discouraged or dismayed by things that happen in our lives. Jesus even warned us that this was a normal part of living. “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows,” He said (John 16:33); but later, in this same verse, He states that He has overcome the world, and all the disappointment it brings.  

                And not only has He prevailed over those “disses”, but He has made us winners and conquerors too. Paul wrote, “No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ” (Romans 8:37). Now we’re talking some encouragement here! No matter what obstacles I’m faced with-a job loss, a health problem, a financial crisis-God has promised to bring me to success. Sometimes that may mean I need to stop and rest for a while-to convalesce in His love and be strengthened-before I can “hit the pavement” again, but victory is attainable.   

                I know this is true because I started running again this week. I’m taking it slow and not very far, but at least I’m running. Over this last week I’ve gotten rested, rejuvenated, revived, and reinvigorated. It is so much better than being “dissed.”

By Cyndi  

              Last week, as Robert and I were returning from a minister’s fellowship meeting in Georgia, I looked up at our GPS and saw that it read, “East I-10 to I-95 North.” That got me thinking-wouldn’t it be nice if there was one of these systems for my life? I could punch the Where To button and put in a certain time period, like, age 20 till age 50, then it would calculate everything that was going to happen during that part of my life. Envisioning this, I could hear it say, “Take job on the right, go 4.8 years then turn into marriage.” Touching the Map tab it would continue-”In 3.2 years, have baby,” then, “After 5 more years, move to mission field, then move back after 4.6.”  Finding this humorous, if only to myself, I glanced at the screen again and imagined it speaking to me in a lovely computerized woman’s voice, “In 2.7 years, pay for son’s college.” Now that one wasn’t too funny.

                Wouldn’t this kind of a device be so cool? I could know what’s ahead in my life and be prepared for it. Pondering this ideal, I sensed the Lord saying to me, “But Cyndi, you do have a navigational system-the best. It’s My word. I have given you scriptures that reveal the course for your life.” Interesting, I thought-the Bible is God’s Positioning System. At once, a multitude of verses flooded my mind: Jeremiah 29:11-”‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope’”; Proverbs 3:6-”Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths”; John 13:17-”You know these things, now do them! That is the path of blessing.”

                These were just a few guidelines from the Bible that could be used to direct me, and there are many more. I believe that, since He made me, He knows the best route for me to follow in my life. Some people have said that the scriptures are God’s instruction manual for mankind. In today’s world lingo, I would say they are His GPS.  Isaiah 30:21 reads, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it’.” Put those words into a computerized voice and it’s better than a Garmin.

By Cyndi           

                  Are you happy with the way you are? Would you have designed yourself differently if you would have had the chance? Many people are obsessed with the way they look. The popularity of Botox, facial lifts, liposuction, and even colored contacts reveal the fact that some folks are not content to be just the way God made them. However, I believe there is a power in embracing exactly who God made us to be, and it is a huge detriment when we rebel in some way to how God designed us.  

                When I was young, I used to love to go in my father’s office and sit with him at his drawing board. It was a part of his workshop building behind the house where he could work on house plans. He took in side jobs for supplemental income, and, having been a drafter at one time, I think he still liked the creativeness of drawing things himself.

                These were the days before the CAD computers when architects and engineers had everything drawn by hand. I remember always asking him to explain what the all symbols in the templates meant. To me, it just looked like neat little shapes and squiggly lines to trace, but each design had a specific purpose. One part of the template had something that signified folding closet doors, another part meant sliding ones. Some symbols were to show where toilets or sinks were to be. On paper, there was a way to design a whole house with pictures. I found it fascinating! The entire building was planned, inside and out.

                After all the plans were drawn, blueprints were made of them. These were the copies that a builder would use to actually build the house. All the details and measurements were there, written on those blueprints.  Contractors cannot build anything without a blueprint-it’s the directions they follow.

                It’s amazing to think that God had blueprints of each one of us. He thought through exactly how he wanted us to be designed-what color eyes we would have, our hair, our height, whether we’d be big boned or small-even our gifting in being analytical, artsy, introverted, or extroverted. There were so many things to design! And He didn’t use the same template on any of us-we are each entirely different from one another. King David, in Psalm 139:14, said, “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” When we embrace how God made us, we are in a position to prosper, to come into all God has for us-the very things we were designed to do. I think David had a revelation of God’s blueprint for him. Jesus told his followers, in Matthew 10:30, that “the very hairs on your head are all numbered.” God knew all the intricate details of us before He even created us.

                We were all uniquely made by a specific plan for a specific purpose. I can imagine God sitting at His drawing board thinking through each person with such precision and attention to every detail of their design.  When He made us, he said it was very good (Gen. 1:31).Truly, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

As a follow up to last week’s blog on the wrath of God, I thought it would be good to consider fear as a motivating factor in our lives.

If the consequences of our sins can be made real enough, will the sinners get saved and the saints get right? Is fear an effective motivational tool?

Ps 36:1 An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes.

Most unsaved people face tragedies in their lives. They lose loved ones, lose everything financially, or contract a life-threatening disease, and many times still don’t turn to the Lord. Take it a step further and consider people that have even gone to prison. Many had no fear of God whatsoever as they committed their crimes. They were angry-at their parents, at God-and felt they got a raw deal in life. They were rebellious and wanted what they wanted so they broke laws. The fear of God was not a motivating factor for keeping them from doing what they did.

Think of a hard dictator, Kim Jung-il in North Korea, for example. In this country, people do live in fear, do have a level of obedience toward their ruler, but it is only outward conformity, not inward respect. Jack Frost used to say, “Only love matures”.

Obedience, where we have a deep respect for God, is born out of a heart of love and humility. It is where I am beginning to trust God, laying aside my ways of anger and rebellion. I believe those who preach how angry God is, and how much trouble we are all in, have very little effect motivating anyone toward true heart humility and obedience-inward conformity.

From Vine’s: Fear “Yirah” (OT:3374) – This is not simple fear, but reverence, whereby an individual recognizes the power and position of the individual revered and renders him proper respect. In this sense, the word may imply submission to a proper ethical relationship to God; the angel of the Lord told Abraham: “…I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son from me.”

The fear of God that is productive, that causes us to start having wisdom, comes from a relationship with God. It is a reverence, an awe, a deep holy respect-built on love and personal connection, not on “fear tactics”.