Paths to Dwell In

“Robert, you have a wrong theology of receiving.” As soon as I heard that, I sensed that there was something to it. It took me some time to unpack that. What errors might there be about my understanding of how I receive what I need in life? I discovered two main ways I needed to adjust my thinking-ways I thought like a victim. One had to do with who my source was and the other had to do with who was in control. Learning how to receive properly from the Father is a huge key to our future!

I have found it a slippery thing to have expectations toward man. I have realized that any time I am angry that someone did not meet my needs, or if I am resentful, feeling like things are unfair, I am looking to man instead of God. Whenever I seek to pressure or manipulate others, I am looking to man. James clearly says, “Every good gift is from above, and comes down from the Father” (Ja.1:17). Every gift, all of them, is from Father. God often uses human means as His conduit to bless us, but He is still our source.

I have been on a lifetime journey of learning to look only to God for my needs and to allow God to determine how He wants to meet them and in what order. At age 21, I felt a call to ministry and had already read about some of the great men of faith: Reese Howells, Smith Wigglesworth, Praying Hyde. I knew that was my path, to be a mighty revivalist. However, ministry did not happen right away for me and, as it did happen, it was nowhere even close to unfolding as I had imagined. I ended up pasturing a church of poor subsistence farmers and their families on the mission field. I felt it was far away from the tangible anointing Reese and Smith seemed to have had, and not even on the level of a respectable American church.

One day I had a thought: “These third-world people are every bit as precious to God as anyone, anywhere, in any church. I would just as soon be here as anywhere.” Something happened that day. I quit trying to tell God what He needed to do for me and acknowledged that He gives me all the things I need for life and godliness (2 Pet.1:3). I also quit trying to determine when He should give me what I need, acknowledging He has the master plan and He alone knows the timing.

I developed an incredible love for those people that continues to this day. Moreover, little did I know, it was preparing me to minister cross-culturally all around the world. God really did have a sequence for my life that was perfect. God has a dynamic plan for all of us. As long as we are disappointed in man for not meeting our need or we are disappointed in God for not giving us what we think He should or when we think He should, we will be hindered. Acknowledging He has given us everything we need and going to Him over and over to unpack things according to His plan and timing leads to a life full of adventure and fulfillment.

“Wow, a dirt bike track!” The year was 1978 and we had just moved to Sparks, Nevada. I had never seen a BMX track. I took off down the hills and around the curves enjoying the thrill. As I came around one curve, out of nowhere, a group of bicycles racing forced me off the track, causing me to crash over the side of the berm. I was so mad I started cursing those guys out. They came back and starting fighting me. I got beat up bad-swollen lip, black eye. It was a shaming experience and I felt rejected and alone. But worse than the fight was the idea of having to go home and face my dad. The pain I carried was not just from this isolated event, but from a whole system of family life that I lived in. Two key dynamics operate in family systems and effect how we mature: acceptance and vulnerability.

Acceptance versus Judgment

There is no acceptance in the shame system, rather everything is “weighed in the balance” and usually you are “found wanting”. Therefore, there is no flexibility and no room for error. You are either right or wrong. These families do not consider life events on their own merits; rather they judge the person as right or wrong. So secrecy becomes huge. I tried waiting a long time before going home that day. I wanted to see if the swelling would go down and maybe Dad would not notice. Facing my dad’s disappointment and anger only added to the sense of shame I already felt. I could not have put it into words back in those days, but something in me knew it was not okay to have lost a fight. It was not okay to have weakness of any kind; I was either right, or I was out. There was neither comfort nor help to overcome, only judgment and more shame.

Vulnerability

In a respect-based family, the pain would have been just as bad from the fight but I would not have feared going home. I would not have felt “on the outside” with my own family. I would have known Dad would have been on my side. I could have expressed my feelings of indignation to a listening ear that would not ‘weigh me in the balance’ but would have shown comfort and empathy. Merle Fossum says, “People in respect-based families talk openly with one another about their lives rather than manage their relationships with secrets. They are openly vulnerable and dependent or needy at times without judgment.”   

Intimacy with Man and God

In my struggle that day, intimacy and personal development could have grown. I could have learned that I will receive comfort in my weakness, that it is okay to fail, and okay not to be perfect. I could have grown in empathy and ability to live in community. Instead, my pain was denied and judged, which taught me to isolate and have unrealistic standards of perfectionism-only perfect people that can defeat a whole gang of kids are accepted.   

Shame does not just disappear on its own. If we cannot show vulnerability and weakness to people and still feel okay about ourselves, we will not have a capacity for that kind of intimacy with others or even God. This is why people put on masks and try to appear successful or hyper-spiritual. It has been prophesied for years that there will be an end-time people that know their God, walk in radical intimacy and do exploits (Daniel 11:32). I do not believe it will happen by accident. It will happen as we learn principles from the Bible and apply them.

The Insidiousness of Shame

Understanding shame is a huge key to freedom. Shame is a force, meaning it does not just strike once, but can be a continuing factor in our lives with its delegitimizing effect. Shame can operate in many hidden ways to wreak its havoc in our lives. Gershen Kaufman says, “Shame can be the source of depression, alienation, self-doubt, isolation, loneliness, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, and a deep sense of inferiority, inadequacy and failure.” What is the power of shame and how can we be free of it?

A False Self

Shame attacks our identity and makes us feel defective.

“Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing… it is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, one needs a false self which is not defective and flawed,” John Bradshaw.

 We end up living for an image, for example, trying to appear successful in order to keep shame off our doorstep. Many try to “keep up with the Jones’” in hot pursuit of the American Dream. Some will try to appear spiritual, like the Pharisees, (that was me!). Most teenagers live their lives trying to be “cool”. It can even be an image of “poor me” by running to fear and rejection all the time, perpetually blaming others for problems so that they themselves never have to take responsibility. Living for these images is basic idolatry. However, preaching at someone to repent for his or her idol worship probably is not going to help him move to freedom.

Freedom from Addiction

Many say that overeating is all about controlling anxiety. Anxiety is actually the basis for most addictions. Here is how it works. My boundaries are crossed-people have related to me, or I have related to myself in a way that is demeaning rather than respectful. Demeaning shame can happen in three key ways: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

• My physical boundaries are crossed, as in physical or sexual abuse.
• I am violated emotionally, my feelings do not count.
• Mental boundaries are not respected; my opinions and thoughts are not valued.

When our boundaries are crossed, we feel the pressure from shame to stay in control. We are trying to keep up the image so we can somehow feel okay about ourselves. The pressure comes in the form of fear and anxiety and fuels the need for relief in some form. The more pressure I feel to have to “keep it together,” the more often I need a release in the form of some type of compulsive behavior.

Acceptance is the Key

If we can identify these patterns in our lives and bring their sources to the cross, we can then find our acceptance solely in our Heavenly Father. This enables us to begin relating to others and ourselves in accepting and valuing ways.

If you identify with any of these issues of shame or addictions, and would like some help to find freedom, Fountains of Life ministries is available to serve you. Please feel free to call our office.

Harmony

 By Cyndi

Psalm 133:1-”Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!” 

                As a musician, when I think of unity, I think of harmony. One person alone cannot sing harmony; there has to at least be two people. By definition, harmony is any simultaneous combination of tones. Ever hear a barbershop quartet sing? What about the groups singing on American Idol? Surely you’ve heard a jazz or rock band? If you’ve listened to any music at all, unless it’s only Gregorian chants, you’ve heard harmony-more than one note being played or sung at the same time.

                This verse in the Psalms reminds me of my college days when I played in the orchestra. I was a percussionist, one of the musicians who stand behind everyone else and gets to hit things-fun things-like drums, chimes, cymbals, xylophones, timpani, and a multitude of miscellaneous sound effects. I loved playing in a large group of people because so many different instruments would work together to create such beautiful music. Each instrument would have its own unique part to play. The violins didn’t play what the trumpets did; neither did the oboes play the same notes as the cello. Some instruments didn’t play much at all, like the crash cymbals (we counted lots of rests), but it all came together in unity for a magnificent performance.

                I often think about God being like a conductor of this enormous orchestra. Before He comes onstage, the tuning note is sounded and everyone tunes up. There’s no set beat, no specific rhythm, just everyone checking their instruments to make sure they’re in tune to the same standard. Once tuned, the Conductor steps up on the platform, raises His baton, and the music starts. He keeps the wand steady in His right hand, with everyone following at exactly the same tempo watching Him diligently. Only He has the score to everyone’s part, so He knows when to cue an entrance or to close an exit for each person. He controls the volume and intensity of this entire group with His mere hands-such power!

                Are you getting the picture of how we, as Christians, are similar to this orchestra? We all are tuned to Jesus, our Standard-each of us on our own journey, guided by the Word of God. We’re following the lead of our Conductor, alert and attentive for His cues, letting Him draw the music out of us-sometimes to a loud crescendo, and other times to a soft, gentle passage. He is the Maestro, we are the musicians. What incredible music can be made-good and pleasant-when we dwell together in unity.