Accessing Provision

August 18, 2010 By robert 2 Comments

God is a Father that will never leave us, it is His good pleasure to give us the kingdom, we are with Him always and all that He has is ours. There is a life of serenity, of being daily grounded in His love regardless of circumstances. There is a place of living as an overcomer rather than with a slave mentality like the children of Israel in the wilderness. However, the big question is, how do we access it?

Here’s a profound truth – to receive help we have to be able to ask for it. Nevertheless, the asking can feel really vulnerable, even like something is wrong with me or I have a weakness. Why is this a struggle for so many?

Growing up with an angry father communicated clearly to me the three rules of a dysfunctional family: don’t trust, don’t talk, and don’t feel. There was no model for asking for help. Having a problem meant either ridicule or punishment. So if I can’t ask for help and receive it in a healthy way, what’s left? A victim mentality, complaining, self-pity, acting helpless, and acting out.

The way up is the way down. It is not getting stronger but getting weaker that brings the victory.

2 Corinthians 12–“My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why I delight in weaknesses… For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Filed Under: Encouragement, Personhood, Shame, destiny, help Tagged With: acceptance, authority, fear, Personhood, Shame

Locus of Control

August 18, 2010 By robert Leave a Comment

What if you had the power to take initiative in any area of your life? Think of how effective you could be in reaching your destiny and being an influence for the kingdom of God. Think of how much you could get done, how many goals you could reach.

In early 2000 I was still fairly new on the mission field. I went to the Pollo Rey, a fast-food fried chicken place. The problem was, there was nothing fast about it. I waited and waited for my order. Others came, ordered, even received their food while I still waited! I finally blew up and started yelling for a manager in very broken Spanish.

Living in a third-world country forces us to face growing in our awareness, tolerance, and acceptance of people who are different. We get stretched into facing ways we struggle with being authoritarian. Social psychologists measure issues with authoritarianism by:

  • Tendency toward black and white judgment
  • Tendency to be suspicious or negative about anyone or any idea that is different
  • The insistence on systems of absolute obedience

At Pollo Rey, the whole event really said, “Give me good service or my look of irritation will reveal my intolerance of your behavior.”

Locus of Control has to do with where we believe the power lies. Internal locus of control is the values and standards we have internalized that guide us; things like tolerance, self-control, and team work. For example, in childhood development, if the child is given some autonomy (self-government) he learns to make decisions and face the corresponding consequences. Then, as he matures, he becomes more self-directing. Internal control leads to personal responsibility.

External control is those things we look to from other people. A victim mentality is external control–my life is controlled by others who are seen as the ones who really count. So we think, why try? (initiative issues): “No matter how hard I study, the teacher is just against me.”

The Children of Israel in the wilderness lived here in this external locus of control. This is fostered in abusive homes were the child grows up victimized, with feelings of powerlessness, however, we can all struggle with this at some level.

A person who has “never grown up” always places blame and responsibility on others. So people can push their buttons. In this state of wounding, a person takes little or no initiative and is tossed by every wind of those persons who are seen as important.

Other cultures and difficult people at work or church, can help clarify the differences of internal and external controls. We all have “external religious patterns” that we follow—what we feel displays a Christian, what constitutes morality–the “right” way to do things. Conflict can allow  these controls to be stripped away.

“The externals of religiousness tend to decline as internal control increases. If there is no substance underlying the externals, it could be said that such a person could lose his religion.”

“For people who value taking responsibility, being accountable and being self-directing, the stretching of capacity for internal control will be seen as an important plus. Thus the intercultural sojourn and it’s stretching of one’s internal control tendency and capability are eagerly to be desired.” – Ward, T. (1984). Living Overseas. NY: Free Press

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Nature of Obedience

July 22, 2010 By robert 2 Comments

By Robert

Absolute Thinking
“Adam and Eve should have been obedient to God.” “We need to humble ourselves and pray and turn from our wicked ways.” “God’s judgment is coming on America for all her wickedness.” These statements have some truth in them, and yet this line of thinking can miss a vital point.

Basic Trust
All abuse involves the crossing of boundaries. When I make a wrong statement and my dad backhands me, shame has just been communicated to me. Growing up, I was not free to think whatever I wanted. My opinions had no value unless they lined up with dad’s, and my physical space was not honored as I was slapped. This led me to the conclusion that something must be “wrong” with me– shame came.  Just as crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries communicates shame, the respecting of these boundaries communicates worth and dignity. When a person grows up with safety and value for their personhood, trust develops. Trust is the springboard of obedience. When I trust someone, I can open my heart to them and give myself to them.

Disobedience
All disobedience flows out of a misunderstanding and mistrust of God’s nature. God first of all values free choice, personhood. All intimacy flows from here. This does not mean in any way that there are not consequences for our actions–there are. But it does mean that God does not demean or shame us for our wrong thoughts, feelings, or choices. God is safe.

Filed Under: Emotions, Obedience, Personhood, Shame, families, self awareness Tagged With: acceptance, Boundaries, Obedience, Personhood, Shame

Synthesis for Assimilation

July 3, 2010 By robert 2 Comments

By Robert

What does it mean to really learn something to the point of being able to apply the new skill? When I learned Spanish,there were more steps than I imagined. I thought learning the corresponding Spanish word would be enough. Then I realized that learning to use it in everyday conversation was a whole other step. And even after that, I also had to learn to hear it used in the context of conversation.

Likewise, my son will learn new ways of maneuvering a soccer ball that can knock an opponent off balance. He will practice it over and over until it becomes second nature. Only then can he use this new skill under the pressure of a game situation.

In the Christian life there are many skills we can acquire as we mature:

  • Learning responsibility with emotions–learning to recognize them in ourselves and others, and to more effectively handle them.
  • Learning to partner with God to problem solve. Breaking things down into their parts, brainstorming, defining variables verses non-variables.
  • Finding resources for what we need in spiritual and career growth rather than living a welfare Christianity like the children of Israel in the wilderness did.
  • Learning spiritual hygiene to stay clean of negative emotions and live in daily hope.
  • Learning skills of intimacy with God and man–living in vulnerability, transparency, and expressing emotion.
  • Learning to do research and find the knowledge we need to accomplish a task.

What does it mean to let our lights shine so that pre-Christians will be drawn to us? Maybe the skills are a little more defined than we have considered. We have to go way beyond generally knowing about something, synthesizing it down to intimate knowledge until it is a part of us.

Synthesis – Reasoning from the general to the particular; logical deduction.
Assimilate – 1) To take in and utilize as nourishment : absorb into the system 2) to take into the mind and thoroughly comprehend

Filed Under: Christianity, Emotions, emotional responsibility, life skills, responsibility Tagged With: Christian Counseling, Emotional responsibility, Life skills, responsibility

Determining Unique Aspects of Your Calling

June 25, 2010 By robert 3 Comments

BY ROBERT

I came across an interesting exercise to help determine things God may have called you to do.

1) What were your childhood dreams?

Who did you want to be when you grew up? There may need to be some adaptation here, but never the less, many times these were God inspired. A basic principle or desire may have been revealed. Someone who wanted to be a fireman when they were little may have that natural design to save and help people, particularly those in danger or impossible situations.

2) What makes you angry? Especially anger in behalf of others.

Hyper-religious language makes me angry. Over spiritualizing something to the point that it is “spooky” or exclusive or not easily applicable makes me angry. Hence, I do a lot of work to take truths that have impacted my life and express them in very practical ways.

3)  What were some God “set ups” in your life?

I once had a sales job I had been relatively successful at for four years. Suddenly, I couldn’t make a sale to save my life. It was uncanny. It led to leaving that job and spending a year working two jobs at 70 hours a week and still falling behind on bills. This was over 15 years ago and yet I still draw on lessons learned of perseverance and trusting God when things look impossible.

So check these out. Take some time alone with the Lord and see if He may reveal something to you about your calling.

Filed Under: calling, design, destiny, purpose Tagged With: calling, design, dreams

Two Levels of Obedience

June 18, 2010 By robert 2 Comments

By Robert

Why do I speak kindly with my wife and show her patience? Is it just because it is the right thing to do? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to look like someone who is curt or angry. Maybe I fear God will be angry with me if I don’t. These types of responses all represent one level of obedience, actually a level where many of us live.

Empathy is higher.

A second level is a place where love compels us, not fear. We could say that this is “really” living. When we live and obey at this level, we have moved from a semi-depersonalized existence into agape. But to do this requires a developed personhood where I have value for my own thoughts and feelings first. I need to be in a place of feeling comfortable in my own skin, embracing and rejoicing in who God has made me to be—where issues of shame that have made me feel like an object have been resolved, and I’m walking in the dignity of being God’s child, fearfully and wonderfully made. It is then that I can express that to others.

Empathy: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Father's Love, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: acceptance, empathy, Father's Love, love, Personhood

How to Fulfill Your Calling

May 28, 2010 By robert 3 Comments

By Robert

Know your design

It takes time and effort to know ourselves, to discover what makes us tick. You could start by asking yourself, “What comes natural to me?” I know a lady who found it came easy to study and that others naturally felt safe around her. She dove in and researched every conceivable aspect of Prayer Ministry. People started coming and receiving help. She saw people with very deep trauma healed time after time, and she quickly became a leader in the field. The redemptive gifts are the best tool I know of to help discover your design. Is it natural for you to make friends and influence people? Is it more natural to lead people and organize things to reach a goal? Do you get fulfillment working behind the scenes to make things happen?

Gain a skill set

Knowing our design helps us zero in on developing a skill set. In the example above, the lady focused on studying Prayer Ministry. I know of another lady that focused on mobilizing seniors to be a support to ministries around the city. Maybe your focus might be relational evangelism and you could become excellent at it and can effectively impart it to others. Maybe your area is finances and you could offer your services to small business owners and non-profit leaders in the Body of Christ. An accountant or doctor might realize they are particularly good at something, and could work hard to develop that niche.

Serving well brings Favor and Support

Once we have a skill set, we can become life-giving with it by serving others. As we serve well, people will begin talking about it. We will get word-of-mouth, free advertising! As that grows, others will come along and get under us and support our efforts because they see it really helps people.

Get Started!

It is often a mystery to people as to how they can fulfill the unique thing God has called them to do. In reality, there are practical steps. God wants us all to walk in what He has designed us all to be. Nothing is more fulfilling than walking in what you were made to do.

We offer coaching to help in this area. If you would like more information, please contact us.

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling, calling, purpose Tagged With: calling, Christianity, design, designed, destiny

Commando System Cleaner

May 22, 2010 By robert 5 Comments

By Robert

Many Christians live years shut down, with their “Operating System” running slow. Computer programs like Spybot – Search & Destroy, Advanced System Optimizer, and PC Pitstop, claim to stop unwanted programs from running in the background, clean your system registry, and even remove viruses, making your computer run much faster!

We can also have unwanted programs running in the background, replaying thoughts of how someone has mistreated us or how life just isn’t working out. This often occurs because of errors (lies) in our “system registry” that tell us God isn’t for us, or there is something wrong with us. These lies can give legal ground for an enemy “virus” to come in and exacerbate the problem.

There have been times where my “system” was running so slow I was practically shut down. It was hard to pray, read the word, or even to concentrate at work. I found myself wanting to eat more and just watch TV all the time. I finally went to a Prayer Minister where I discovered a number of past places I had hidden anger. I didn’t even realize it. Ithought I had dealt with all the anger in my life.

There is something so cleansing, renewing, and restoring of child-like innocence when we get all the “bugs” out of our system, clean out the pipes, and connect again to God. It is really wonderful to have communication channels opened and functioning again!

Filed Under: Counseling, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: anger, Christian Counseling, Counseling

Connection, Identity, and Support

May 1, 2010 By robert 1 Comment

By Robert

Joe felt so disconnected, always on the outside, at work and school and church. As he was growing up his dad had never been around. There had never really been a man in his life to call forth his identity. Julie felt an almost continual low-level anxiety—constantly afraid things might fall apart. She had a sense of impending doom, a fear of financial disaster, or some grave illness or family crisis. It was so hard to believe God would be available to her.

Eph 3:14-15 (AMP) For this reason I bow my knees before the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, For Whom every family in heaven and on earth is named [that Father from Whom all fatherhood takes its title and derives its name].

Fathering, mothering, and family are all God’s idea and God’s design. Every little boy and little girl needs to know dad and mom love them, and be secure in that love. Children need a sense of connection and identity. They need to know they are supported in all the life skills they must acquire to grow up.

When these foundational elements are missing (connection, identity, and support), wounding often takes place. God’s plan is for a divine exchange to happen, where Christians shift from the family model their parents gave them, to connecting directly with God’s love. We should feel like sons in His family rather than orphans. Most all wounding is based right here in these three elements. Think about it. Any fears I have—anxieties over finances, health, family, destiny—are all rooted in a difficulty believing God will be there for me. It is orphan living.

All healing needs to be based in these three things as well. Finding a connection to God’s love, and having our identity in that rather than performance or independence, is what brings about healing. There is a safe place in His love for both emotional and physical needs.  Just forgiving those who hurt us or trying to get rid of pain should not be the goal. Having intimacy with God, learning to live a connected, Fathered life, daily walking in His love and in sonship, is what He wants for all of us.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, sonship Tagged With: acceptance, Chrisitianity, connection, Father's Love, identity, sonship, support

What Freedom Looks Like

April 9, 2010 By robert Leave a Comment

By Robert

Last week’s article on “Personhood” defined abuse as crossing spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical boundaries. It is violating someone’s right to think what they think, feel what they feel, and choose what they choose. The act of crossing someone’s boundaries is inherently shaming in nature. Respecting another’s boundaries is honoring and valuing in nature. Everyone has experienced shame at some level. So when we have lived in abuse, what does it look like to move into freedom?

The first two squares in the graphic above represent shaming interaction. There is the “hot” or “active” side of abuse, including physical violations, emotional abuse, anger, and violence. Next is the “cool” or “quiet” side of abuse including threats to abandon, the silent treatment, relationship cutoffs, sarcasm and devaluing looks. Most abuse happens here with the occasional flare-ups into the hot side. Both active and quiet abuse can also include presumptions about someone’s thoughts or feelings, boundary invasions, and demeaning communication. Shaming interaction is failure to acknowledge another person.

Respectful interaction, the last two squares, is the opposite of shame; it involves engagement with one another as separate persons. It includes: expressing one’s thoughts and feelings, listening to each other, and acknowledging the interchange.

The calm box represents behavior which is decent, orderly, careful and conscious of form. People are nice to each other here, they listen respectfully, they do not intrude upon one another. Yet many families coming out of abuse get stuck here.

Real freedom happens as people move into the final phase of “hot” intimate interaction. Here there is room for unpredictability and spontaneity in the interaction. For people coming out of abuse, a sense of losing control can be quite scary. In the past, this meant someone was about to get hurt. They do not really have a model yet of respectful, spontaneous contact. They have to learn how to play, and have conflict, and engage with each other in respectful spontaneity.

Here the family is intimate and nurturing, playful. People interact with one another often and freely with an underlying knowing that everyone is respected. They have a flow which is less self-conscious or contrived. No one expects perfection. Mistakes are made, people get hurt and angry, yet everyone is accountable for their behavior. There is always a way back. Repair is expected and available and is brought into the dialogue of relationships. Many old television shows were based on this like The Brady Bunch, 7th Heaven, and Little House on the Prairie.

In Bible school, another student once told me, “I don’t see anywhere in the Gospels where Jesus ever laughed.” I believe God has so much more for us than a careful, controlled life.

Fossum, Merle, Mason, Marilyn (1986). Facing Shame. Canada: Penguin Books

Filed Under: Boundaries, Personhood, Shame, families Tagged With: Boundaries, Personhood, respect, Shame
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