Powerlessness
Tom has worked hard on his job. He’s always the first one there and the last to leave. There’s an opening for a promotion and Tom plans on being the one to get it. He’s all in, this is the dream, he’s worked hard.

The big day finally comes. There are knots in his stomach as he arrived that morning. It’s almost lunch and nobody seems to know anything. When he returns from lunch he keeps noticing people congratulating Monica and his stomach drops.

Tom’s wife had been telling him for months to tell his boss of his intentions. Even now she suggests he go and ask what happened. Maybe there’s something he can learn for the future. Yet, he just can’t bring himself to do it. Fear overcomes him every time.

Initiative
If we were to look into Monica’s life we’d see a real go getter, a mover and shaker. She let her boss know a long time ago she was interested in the position. She had confidence in her competence. She wasn’t afraid to try. She figured, “If this company doesn’t see my value, someone else will.”

Foundations
Many people have experienced disappointment in their walks with God. They’ve had prayers that have gone unanswered, dreams unfulfilled. That healing that didn’t come, that ministry outreach that never got off the ground, etc.

The root of powerlessness is often in a weak identity. Identity — “I’m a child of God with all of the rights and privileges that come with that. I have access to my Father, His wisdom and resources. I’m not a red-headed step-child.“

How do we get this level of self-worth? We first learn our identity in our homes growing up. If our parents could use boundaries rather than shame, we learn self-worth. We have to learn to be potty trained, not to play with breakables, not to pull our sister’s hair, how to throw the ball, etc. If it was okay to make a mistake, if patience was used with correction we learn that we have worth as a son/daughter. As the teens approach and our own thoughts and feelings were respected, yet healthy consequences were not erased, maturity begins to take root. We have the freedom to try, to take initiative, to not be devastated by a mistake.

All abuse on the other hand, tears down identity and thus creates powerlessness. When I don’t do something right I’m told something’s wrong with me. If I like the latest style “all the kids are wearing,” I’m told only freaks wear that.

All of this stuff gets transferred to how we view God. If someone struggles with condemnation, powerlessness, putting a lot of pressure on themselves and others, striving, performance–the roots may be in a weak identity as a child of God. We feel God, like people, is also demanding and not respectful of our boundaries.

My wife and I used to argue with our son over his chores. We were trying to get him to do what was right. One day I had an idea. When he came home from school I told him, “Darren, Mom and I have been talking and we have decided you do not have to do your chores anymore; you can even skip your homework if you want to.” He was in blissful shock! After a pause I continued, “But you cannot have any privileges such as TV, computer, or spending time with friends either, unless you take care of your responsibilities. We love you and we are not going to pressure you or argue anymore. We’d love for you to have your privileges but they only come with responsibility.”

He tested it and we did not get angry or pressure him or shame him. We did not even close our hearts toward him at all; we were quite friendly and loving. The entire next day, however, he did not have any privileges. After a time or two the battle was over and now it is never a fight to see him take care of his chores and homework.

Gal 5:1, 2 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.

What is Legalism?

Is legalism the judgmental Pharisees of the Bible? Is it the church where women cannot wear makeup? What is its underlying principal?

I believe law is based in man’s efforts and in fear. If I can make a rule about something, then I can take things into my own hands, be in control and create my own “security.” This is all fear motivated. I am afraid God will not be there for me and that is what moves me toward law.

The whole world system and man’s fallen nature pushes us toward law. In the verses above, the Galatians knew truth and freedom but the traditions of a lifetime – fears they might not measure up – and the pressure of peers, all served to push them back toward circumcision.

Once I start moving towards law, things now depend on me; I am afraid I may not measure up and so I feel pressure all the time. What if I cannot meet my own needs? What if I cannot measure up and be acceptable?

Legalism is About Control

If I do not trust someone to do the right thing, I apply some pressure. Rules are applied through tactics of intimidation, anger, shaming and fear. We make statements to our children like, “What’s wrong with you?”  A sales manager states, “Whoever is at the bottom of the sales board at the end of the month will be fired.” A minister preaches, “You are either for God or against Him; if you aren’t giving to evangelism (or the building project, or the mission trip…) you won’t be blessed;” or “Jesus died on the cross for us and we can’t even give Him our best?”

Our identities get tied into these things. Fear that our son or employee or church member might make us look bad, might hinder us from applying rules and being successful, acceptable.

How We Motivate Others

At the moment we accepted Jesus, God could have installed in us a zapper, like those electronic collars for dogs used with the invisible fence. The electrical wire is buried under ground and when the dog with the collar crosses it he gets a “zap!” He very quickly learns where he can and cannot go. God could have done that with us at salvation. We go to spread a little gossip, tell a lie or express some lust and “Zaaap!” If this were the case, I believe the body of Christ would quickly rise to whole new levels of obedience, BUT… would it be outward conformity? Would it simply be obedience based on law and fear?

Making Sense
There are times when we feel like our lives just don’t make sense. “Why have so many bad things happened to me?” “Will I ever do anything significant with my life?”

When we don’t see clearly how God has woven together the pieces of our lives, it can leave us feeling confused and powerless, without a sense of destiny. When we can see His artistry in the tapestry of our lives we feel whole, grounded, life makes sense; we know where we’ve come from and where we’re going.

Ron was new at college and thought he had befriended a good group of guys. Yet, after a short while they quit talking to him and wouldn’t return his calls. He had no idea what he had done wrong. He could look back to his childhood and see similar experiences. He would just try and help people and they seemed to reject him for it. Ron tries not to think about these things, he’s tired of the pain and futility.

Watching football
If you’ve never allowed God to speak to you about the hurtful events of your life it can seem too big to untangle. It is like someone watching football for the first time, we realize it is good if our team moves the ball but have no appreciation yet of the intricacies of play calling or why certain penalties occur. We have to be patient and give it time.

Joseph
Joseph is a great example of someone allowing God to define his existence. Joseph suffered one of the worst abuses possible – he was a victim of human trafficking by his own family. (I saw this first hand in Thailand as a family sold their daughter into prostitution and bought a new truck with the money.) Joseph allowed God to touch any feelings of rejection, shame, or powerlessness he may have felt. He even allowed God to bring meaning and purpose out of his pain and losses. As Joseph was later raised up into the leadership of Egypt and his brothers stood before him he declared, “You (brothers) meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive” (Gen.50:20).

Learning who we are
I grew up in a broken home with an abusive father and God wove that into sending me around the world working with pastors in countries where almost all of them grew up just like that. Maybe your life doesn’t make sense to you right now; maybe you don’t know who you are. It’s okay. If you will be open to letting God define the events of your life, you will be amazed at the tapestry He weaves.

I awoke early with that empty sensation in my stomach, anxious that I would be left high and dry. I could have simply cast down these feelings and confessed faith, however, they had something to tell me. As I allowed them, faced them, I realized I was concerned about an upcoming speaking engagement. “What if I bomb?” “What if I don’t connect with people?” With all the benefits of understanding deliverance and faith, there can be times of going too far. God is desiring to do something in our hearts, but if we deny the impurity exists every time it arises, growth is not possible. God calls us to be diligent watchmen of the gardens of our hearts. So how do we do this?

God admonishes, “Guard your hearts, for everything you do flows from them” (Proverbs 4:23). Guard means to watch, keep, observe, preserve. In three places within the scriptures, the Hebrew word is translated “watchmen.” How do we keep watch over our hearts? By observing our emotions. Emotions are the gauges of our heart that tell us if there is too much pressure or if it is overheating.

Mr. Spock, the Vulcan character from Star Trek, says emotions are bad. We must master them so they don’t master us. And we have often heard this taught. Certainly if we are about to sin, this is good advice. However, a deeper use is in checking our emotions to understand what is happening in our heart, to watch and guard it. David did this repeatedly in the Psalms as did Jesus in the Gospels.

As I tuned into my emotion of fear that morning and saw that what was behind it was an upcoming speaking engagement, I was able to lift that to the Lord. God reminded me that I have learned well how to present information; I’m not powerless, and I can apply what I’ve learned. Now you try listening to your emotions this week, watching over your heart, and bringing all your concerns to the Lord.

The lights are lowered in the big auditorium as the charismatic speaker steps to the podium. He has long known how to connect with people emotionally, morally, and evangelically. The audience feels lifted, inspired, and ready to try again. Unfortunately, all of this can occur without any real “connection” on the level of empathy.

Empathy connecting is not based in what I want from someone, but rather in compassion, to give something to someone. Bill Clinton was a good “connector” yet he clearly struggled in how he treated women. So the question exists, how much did he really value people, how deep did his empathy really run?

A minister was head of many thousands of pastors in his association of ministers and he pastored a very large church. Many people looked to his example and influence, however, he feel into sexual sin and drug use. How did love not constrain him? So many people looked to his example. Where were the people that he surrounded himself with that connected with his heart and he with theirs. Where were the people that knew him well enough to pick up on the tell-tale signs and speak into his life? He was clearly visionary, clearly a “leader,” yet connecting in true empathy appeared to be lacking.

A person with zero empathy is a psychopath. A person with developed empathy can identify with another’s situation, feelings, and motives. They can make another feel felt, that he has allowed them into his heart and truly cares about their well-being. Empathy drives compassion. Without empathy true repentance is impossible. I may be sorry I got caught or for the consequences I’ll face, but not for how my actions hurt the other person.

The good news is that empathy can be learned and developed. We can consider our interactions with others and talk them out with a friend or journal about them asking questions like, “Where were they coming from when they said that? What might be the motive behind why they acted that way?” It’s similar to the familiar adage of “putting yourself in the other’s shoes.” Empathy allows us to connect deeply, giving us more loving and intimate relationships.

Last week I wrote about Sonship in terms of feeling safe with fathers and opening our hearts to allow their influence in our lives. I want to build on that this week. Healthy sonship identity leads to increased capacity for autonomy. This is where maturity really happens.

Think of physical abuse for a moment, a slap across the face when you didn’t even realize you were saying something wrong. This treats a person like an object, diminishing sonship identity, because it does not respect their thoughts or feelings. It causes the person to experience feelings of powerlessness, to struggle with initiative, and with taking personal responsibility.

Romans 8:16 says, “For the Holy Spirit speaks to us and tells our spirit that we are children of God.” This is our identity, we are children of God. “For He planned in love, for us to be adopted as His own children…accepted in the beloved” (Eph1:5, 6 Amp.).

Man rebelled. Adam choose the independence of knowing good and evil, to choose for himself how he would live life. Even though God created Adam, the air he breathed, the water he drank, and the food he ate, God didn’t destroy him for his betrayal. God tried to talk with Adam but he did not take responsibility for his actions, he blame shifted, “That woman you gave me.” It is also noteworthy that God also did not act in co-dependence and rescue Adam from the consequences of his choices. This is good parenting that builds a healthy identity. It is important to know Father God as one who respects free will and one who is also secure enough to allow us to learn from our wrong choices. This is well exemplified in the story of the prodigal. The father never closed his heart toward the rebellious son, nor did he run to him in the pig pen.

“Think about healthy childhood development. A wise parent will allow increasing autonomy, encouraging the child to make decisions and face the consequences. When we see a person who has never grown up they often blame shift and justify, not accepting responsibility for their choices. Such a person takes little or no initiative but is highly responsive to outside influences, blown this way and that according to the prevailing wind of other persons. This may be extreme, but everyone is challenged by this some.” Ted Ward

When we can see God’s heart toward us and receive His discipline, knowing it is for our actions, and not an attack on our person, we mature. We are able to see how our wrong behavior hurts our relationship with God and others. We learn reciprocity in the world that teaches us greater community, openness, humility, empathy, and core values. These values become integrated in us producing greater autonomy. Not because we have to or we’ll be rejected, but rather because we have a healthy identity in God’s love and value that love and desire to give it to others from a deep place inside of us.

Picture two nine year old boys staring out the window of an orphanage longing for simple things. A family to be with on Christmas morning, the taste of warm cookies and milk after school. God put a deep longing in us for loving family. Closeness with God is founded in being a son comfortable with his father. Living as fatherless leaves us languid, without an inheritance, without emotional resources and opportunities that only fathers can give. How do we learn sonship?

Was dad there with acceptance and comforting love when I gave it my all but still struck out and my teammates sneered and scoffed? Did he rejoice with me when I worked hard and aced my final exam? When I wrecked the car and dad was upset, did I still know he was safe? Was dad’s love and authority a safe and warm place for my heart to rest?

Many of us had parents in the home, but their emotional absence or abuse left us feeling like orphans. Walking with God is about embracing a posture of sonship. It is more than loyalty and obedience, it is a heart responding to love, crying out, “Abba Father.” However, if you didn’t learn this growing up, how do you get there?

Daniel LaRusso grew up without a father. High school age, he moved from New Jersey to Los Angeles and promptly found himself being picked on. Enter Mr. Miyagi. He knew how to father, how to believe in someone who doesn’t believe in themselves. He knew how to see potential in Daniel and draw it out of him. Daniel gained the ability to risk because Miyagi gave him the fathering presence that was a sure emotional foundation to risk from. Daniel was able to risk fighting the Cobra Kai martial arts team, facing potential harm, with no guarantee of success. Many of you know this as the Karate Kid story, but the truth is, we all long for a spiritual father to believe in us.

To grow as a son you have to be willing to open your heart to a father. He won’t be perfect, he may not fit your perception of how a father does things, but he’ll change your life if you let him. Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel to be teachable, taught him to work hard and not ask questions. Daniel had to take on the posture of a son if he wanted the inheritance Miyagi offered.

Romans 8:14 says we have to be led (teachable) in order to be sons. Verse 15 says that by being led, the Spirit frees us of the fears that come from living in independence, fear of having to fend for ourselves because we can’t let a father be there for us. God gives us adoption to sonship wherein we cry Abba (Daddy) Father. Hebrews 12:8, 9 says it this way: if we can’t receive correction from Father, we are as illegitimate sons. No father equals no inheritance. Verse 9, If we can receive correction, we LIVE. God’s life flows through us. Back to Romans 8, verse 17 confirms this that when we live led, we get inheritance, we are heirs with Christ. We mature into what God has for us and make a difference in the world in the unique way God created us for.

1 John 4:20 says we don’t have in the spiritual what is not seen in the natural. In other words, if I have a heart of sonship toward God, you will see evidence of that in how I relate to spiritual fathers and authority figures, on earth. It starts with opening my heart, taking on the posture of a son. God has some Cobra Kai for you to fight. Will you take the risk?

This video of a father shooting his daughter’s laptop has gone viral.

Some applaud this father’s actions. They have an appearance of expressing discipline, of this father not enabling his daughter’s bad behavior. However, it might be interesting to consider where his daughter learned this type of behavior. If we talk about life skills for a moment, we could consider how differences are dealt with in a given family unit and even how discipline is applied. The question always come back to dignity versus shame, treating another as a person or an object. A nail is an object. You don’t care how it feels, you beat on it at will. Objectification of others involves not respecting their thoughts, feelings, choices, and physical space. What does dignity interaction look like?

Both the father and daughter in this video attack each other’s identity by derogatory language and judgments. The life skills of treating each other as a child of God might include:

• An attempt to look past the hurt with empathy and consideration of what was happening in the other person’s heart that produced these actions. Instead there was judgment and acting out.
• Having dialogue about the issue that is not agreed on. Even though there are differences, each person’s thoughts and feelings are respected, the other person’s heart is listened to.
• If discipline is necessary it is done with dignity, a boundaries approach.

If this daughter had grown up in this kind of an environment it is doubtful she would have even made a Facebook post like the father read. Many people lack the skills of healthy, respect based interaction. However, that is not the biggest problem. These skills can be learned. I believe the bigger problem is when we celebrate these types of shaming interactions and don’t even see the need for change.

WARNING: This video contains some curse words. There is a warning on the video page also.

Link to Video: Facebook Parenting: For the troubled teen

Has your car ever been stuck in the mud? You give it gas again and again, putting it in forward and reverse. You get muddy as you try putting a rock under the tire. Nothing works. You feel powerless. Many people have an area of their lives like this. I know some people who have struggled with anxiety most of their lives, myself included. Others have never been able to rightly relate to a controlling mother-in-law. Some have battled anger and feel as if they never can get forward movement toward their dreams. Not giving up is a theme many movies have used to tug on deep heart strings; however, a key component to being able to not give up is to never stop learning.

Have you ever savored the work of a good carpenter? The intricate woodwork, the smooth fit and finish in a dark cherry; it’s exquisite. How does he do it? Skill and know how are clearly a big part, but also the knowledge of the right tool at the right time is huge. At our webinar this week we will discuss tools for removing blockages to being fully in the light so as to find growth in our issues. We will also explore techniques for more critically defining the fruit and root of our roadblocks which leads to more effectively overcoming them.

It is easy to feel discouraged over the things we’ve struggled with for years. There’s not only a sense of hopelessness but many times a feeling of loss. Nevertheless, these roadblocks actually can become our very stepping stones into our destinies as we are equipped with authority in the area of what we have overcome, and  have compassion for others who are stuck in a similar way.

In our upcoming webinar we will unpack some intricate tools for detailed carpenter work in finding freedom. These are tools Robert uses in the toughest cases of prayer ministry he encounters. We will also have some interactive exercises to increase our “know how” with these tools.

Come and join us this Thursday.

Foundations of Freedom Webinar, Thursday February 9,
7-8pm Eastern Time
Cost is $10. Registration required.
904-270-9472
info@fountainsoflife.org

CLICK HERE to watch video of this blog

A woman walks into her husband’s office and he immediately complains that she’s late. She sharply replies that she had to drop the kids off at school. Angered by this, the husband states that she should have planned better so as not to be late.

There was a major 20-year study of marriages where they looked at what skills that successful marriages have that unsuccessful marriages do not. The study unanimously found one skill predominant over every other. That skill was the ability to believe the best of one another even in an argument and not automatically assume that one partner had bad motives or that somebody was wrong.

Most arguments are usually over a difference of opinion, a difference in priority, or a difference in value. So when a couple can hear each others’ heart and keep the conversation safe where each person can say what they’re feeling and what their priority is, a way forward can be found. However, even if we know this skill, many times it breaks down. Especially if we get triggered.

If we get triggered, the chances are not so good that we’ll be able to hear one another’s hearts, so what we often do instead is create drama. Cutting remarks, the silent treatment, some type of drama to avoid feeling something we don’t really want to feel.

A real tool we can use if we notice that the skill is breaking down is to simply ask ourselves the question, “What am I not wanting to feel here? What feeling am I trying to avoid through this drama I’m creating?”  In the case of the example we used at the beginning, it was a feeling of insecurity that the husband was trying to avoid, hence the angry tone and drama he was creating.

Let’s look at this scenario again in a different light:
A woman walks into her husband’s office and he immediately complains that she’s late. She sharply replies that she had to drop the kids off at school. He then tells of his concern as it got later and later, and how he felt insecure and that maybe she didn’t care what was important to him. With this, she calmly replies that she was rushing to get there, but one of the kids had left a book at home so she had to go back to get it, causing her to be late. Upon hearing this explanation, the husband defuses and apologizes for jumping to conclusions and creating drama.