From Shame to Dignity

February 17, 2010 By robert 2 Comments
It’s all about shame
Shame – there’s something wrong with me. If we had no shame we would be confident to live intentionally without striving.
When I do Prayer Ministry with a client there is a key shift that happens. We work through some painful event where the person was very hurt. As we get to the other side there is a comment in one form or another that says, “It wasn’t about me, the other person was really wounded. I see now Father loves me. I feel compassion for the other.”
A shift from “it’s about me” to “the other is really hurt”. This is a shift from shame to dignity.

Filed Under: Counseling Tagged With: Prayer Ministry, Shame

Meekness Is the Passkey

February 4, 2010 By robert 3 Comments

Closed Theological System

One of my main mentors was Jack Frost. When I first came to work with him I had a somewhat closed theological system. I had a set of fixed ideas about God and doctrine and I was not that open to anything that went outside my box. Jack was very different.

Teachable and Diligent

He was first of all teachable. There were certain key books God used in his life that he had read fifteen times or more. Not only was he open to new ideas, he understood what it took to really get a hold of them and incorporate them to where he lived on a daily basis. We give this kind of effort in school to learn new material. A given class might include lectures, a textbook, several other books to read, and a research paper. However, now that we are older, we seem to have the idea that we can read one book just one time and it will change our lives forever.

Willing to Try

The next thing I noticed about Jack was that he was not afraid to try. He would at times make adjustments to his teaching, not always having it perfect from the start, however, the important thing was that he was willing to consider new thoughts and open to try them.

A Personal Example                                                                                                                                                  

About a year ago I found myself really stuck in my walk with the Lord. I heard a minister I respected mention that God has taught the church many things about deliverance and generational sin and some of it actually works. That struck right at one of my theological boxes. Because of ways I have considered the deliverance movement “out of balance,” I had thrown the whole thing out. A short time later I had an opportunity to be ministered to by this same man, and he recommended some deliverance and generational sin stuff I could pray through. I was desperate enough to try it. Guess what? It worked, I found whole new areas of freedom in my life. In the type of prayer ministry that I do, these are still not the primary tools I use, but I have a whole lot more respect for them than I used to.

With a closed theological system there is little possibility for growth.  Meekness really is the passkey.

Filed Under: Christianity, Jack Frost Tagged With: Chrisitianity, deliverance, Jack Frost, ministry, sonship

Intimacy–the Development of Personhood

January 30, 2010 By robert Leave a Comment

By Robert

The development of personhood is a powerful concept in helping us move towards maturity and intimacy in all our relationships. This concept (the state or condition of being a person) has gripped me. The idea that it can be diminished through abuse and developed through respect explains many things. When mental, emotional, and physical boundaries are crossed; when we are controlled, manipulated, told how to think or not permitted to feel; when physical abuse or violations occur, we are then treated like an object rather than a person, thus taking away our personhood.

A married couple struggled with compulsive shopping and dieting. These addictions had really affected their marriage in ways that they had not identified. When issues came up for them to deal with, each found a way to avoid confrontation or discussion by choosing to escape using the spending or dieting. In that way, there was no deepening of rapport, no building of mutual understanding from one issue or conflict to the next. They moved away from intimacy instead of towards it. In a sense, they treated each other like objects, diminishing each other’s personhood.

People often feel unconsciously threatened by their lack of control in certain areas. When they gravitate to controlling responses as the single answer, not only does the relationship fail to grow and deepen, but also they as individuals fail to mature in the process of interacting with normal life challenges and experiences.

Personhood cannot be developed without respect of boundaries-mental, emotional and physical. When there is control rather than respect, intimacy is lost in all relationships.

Filed Under: Counseling

Triangles

January 24, 2010 By robert Leave a Comment

By Robert

Understanding how triangles work puts a powerful growth tool in your hands. Anxieties are a part of life. Maybe my job status is insecure; perhaps that ache in my body is a serious health issue. What if the United States economy collapses and there are interruptions in the food supply? Nobody passes through life without facing anxious thoughts at times but what we do with those thoughts is what really matters.

Adam and Eve had an intimate relationship with God. As they dialogued about husbandry and naming the animals, they felt at ease with God and able to be vulnerable and transparent. Then the serpent came along and questioned God’s motives, “Hath God said?”

He did not discuss his own fears about who God was but instead he slandered and crossed mental and emotional boundaries. He sought to be controlling toward Eve’s thinking. Adam and Eve did not stand in the authority God had given them and they allowed their boundaries to be crossed, which led to sin. Now they experienced fear and felt they needed to hide from God. In place of intimacy they now had relational distance.

Adam, Eve, and the serpent formed a triangle. Rather than speaking honestly about how they felt and about their anxieties, they moved into blame. Triangles are a way to focus on other people’s motives rather than our own feelings when we are anxious.

“Triangles are our most common way of avoiding closeness and connection with others. They are the way people stabilize their relationships by externalizing their anxiety onto someone or something else.” (Richardson, p.29) When we can face and acknowledge our fears we have the opportunity to deal with them and move forward. Unfortunately, many stay stuck for years in their Christian lives. If you are ready to move forward we can help. Why not give us a call today?

Richardson, R. (2005). Becoming A Healthy Pastor. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling

The Power to Take Initiative

January 10, 2010 By robert 5 Comments

By Robert

What would your life be like if you never procrastinated? What could you accomplish if you had the ability to step out and try anything you wanted? There are reasons people get stuck in ruts. Most of us have gone down the “try harder” route so many times we have lost hope. However, it is possible to find the motivation to pursue your dreams. The following quote illustrates this well.

“A manager loses his cool and berates an employee in front of the rest of the team. He thinks his tirade was good for productivity because the rant ‘scared people straight,’ but their fear soon settles into caution. To perform at their best, the team members need to take risks, stretch themselves beyond their comfort zone, and even make some mistakes along the way. No one on the team wants to be the manager’s next target, so the team members play it safe and do only as they are told. When the manager gets docked a year later for leading a team that fails to take initiative, he wonders what’s wrong with the team” (Bradberry, Greaves, p.66 Emotional Intelligence 2.0).

Taking initiative involves risk. The only way a person can do this is if they feel safe. Often our parents first taught us that we live in a safe or unsafe environment. We learn early if we are free to take initiative even though we might fail.

Fear of failure is rooted here. In shame-based family rule systems, you are never to be out of control and never to be vulnerable. Somebody might get hurt. The answer to being more intentional in your life is not in trying harder. It is in dealing with the roots in your family system that creates the problem.

If this article is speaking to you, call us today for a phone appointment. We see people get free from these kinds of issues every day. (904.270.9472)

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling, Prayer Ministry

Empathy – The Key to Overcoming Sin

January 3, 2010 By robert 1 Comment

1 Tim 4:2—speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron.

The subject of conscience and empathy is quite fascinating. On the far bad end of the scale you have the sociopath, who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. Their chief characteristic is a lack of empathy because they cannot feel another’s pain. From this far end is a broad middle, where most of us have a conscience functioning at some level. What is fascinating is the role our conscience can play in keeping us from sin and moving us toward intimacy with the Lord when functioning well at the good end. John Sanford describes this well:

“There are two kinds of conscience. There is an active conscience, which causes remorse after the sin. It operates by the law. It seldom if ever works powerfully enough before the event to prevent it. It reminds us that we have failed the Lord and ourselves, but seldom if ever makes us aware of our brother’s hurt. It makes us aware only that we failed to be what we set out to be. It seldom moves us to real repentance. Repentance happens when we are hurt for the sake of the Lord and others. Remorse remains self-centered and is seen in terms of our own failure to perform.”

Then there is a healthy conscience that leads to real repentance, which “is a result of the gift of love. If I love someone, and my spirit is awake and alert, it checks me before I do a potentially harmful deed. Love constrains me because I cannot stand to hurt the one I love.”

(P.122, Healing the Wounded Spirit, John Sanford)

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Anger Exercise

December 30, 2009 By robert 3 Comments

How to be free of anger

There is a major key in helping find freedom from anger. When it comes to dealing with anger we have been exhorted, admonished, and given techniques like praying daily for the person we are angry with until our heart changes. Dealing with anger can be elusive, we pray and nothing seems to happen. This issue of anger is very common with most clients I work with even though it is often hidden at first. The major key to freedom I have found is that there is usually a reason someone is holding onto anger.  

An Exercise

Think of the person you are mad at and why. Now search your heart considering the idea of fully letting it go. Do you notice anything hesitant in your heart to fully release the anger? What if you did fully let it go, how would that make you feel? Do not give the standard Christian answer from your mind, but look to your heart and see how it feels. We feel what we believe.

Most of the time the belief for holding the anger will be something like, “I’ll be unprotected if I let it go; it will happen again,” or “nothing will change,” or “they’ll just get away with it.”

Do not try to deny that feeling; simply acknowledge if that feels true in your heart. Then lift that belief up to God and listen. “Father, it feels like this anger is the only thing I have to protect me. God would You speak to me about that?” If you get down to how you really feel and what you really believe by embracing honesty, humility, and childlike meekness, acknowledging the truth- you will hear God speak. Once the hindrances are out of the way it becomes relatively easy to pray a prayer to release the anger and forgive the person who hurt you. I have done this with many prayer ministry clients and see close to a 100% success rate with this approach. Give it a try, or call me.

Filed Under: Counseling Tagged With: anger, unforgiveness

Dynamics of Shame vs Respect

December 30, 2009 By robert Leave a Comment

Identity in Love

When we lack identity in God’s love we will have fears to deal with since it is love that casts them out. 1 Jn.4:17 Fear leads to control; a lack of vulnerability, having walls up.

“In a shame bound family system there tends to be rigidly defined boundaries. This causes the development of self to get cut off early. Children learn to value defiant individualism over the ongoing dialog of relationship.” (Facing Shame) Most teenage rebellion can be found right here!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Agape Reformation, Father's Love, Jack Frost, Prayer Ministry, Shiloh Place Ministries, sonship

Welfare Christianity

December 26, 2009 By robert 3 Comments

By Robert

Today’s article is taken from the best selling business book, “Good to Great.” It may challenge your thinking and theology. However, I believe there is a huge key here to what keeps people from fulfilling their destinies.

Good to Great Quote

“The ‘leadership is the answer to everything’ perspective is the modern equivalent of the ‘God is the answer to everything’ perspective that held back our scientific understanding of the physical world in the Dark Ages. In the 1500s, people ascribed all events they did not understand to God. With the Enlightenment, we began the search for understanding – physics, chemistry, biology, and so forth. Similarly, every time we attribute everything to leadership, we are admitting our ignorance. Not that we should become leadership atheists (leadership does matter), but every time we throw our hands up in frustration – reverting back to, “Well, the answer must be leadership!” – we prevent ourselves from gaining deeper, more scientific understanding about what makes great companies tick.”

Hyper-Spirituality

It is so easy to be hyper-spiritual. We have some sort of problem and we make comments like, “God will just have to give me His grace here,” or “God will just have to do a miracle.” It is not that there is not some truth to these statements, but what about stewardship or personal responsibility? Think of it this way. Your teenage son is going to mow the lawn as he has done many times before and the mower won’t start. He responds, “Dad, fix it.” This is not much different than, “God will just have to come through (and fix whatever problem).” At some point, we expect our teen to take a little personal responsibility, be a little proactive and problem solve. Did he check and see if there’s gas, is the switch on, does it smell flooded?

Depravity versus Treasure

We have this idea, based on a Calvinistic man’s a worm theology that says, “I can do nothing,” “in me is no good thing,” “it is only by God’s grace,” “that unless God comes through we are helpless.” God has invested in most of us many skills, understanding, faith and experiences. At some point He expects us to step up and do some problem solving, use our faith, apply some prayer, and look for some scriptural principles to apply. The depravity of man is a real doctrine, however, it is also true that God invests His treasure in us and He expects a return on His investment.

Filed Under: Christianity Tagged With: Chrisitianity, faith, responsibility

Healthy Dominion

December 11, 2009 By robert 6 Comments

By Robert

Dominion or Domination

I know of a martial arts instructor who has clearly mastered his art. Not too many could mess with this guy. He can also impart his knowledge to others in a life-giving way. He does not lord his knowledge over others, nor is he on an ego trip. He does not get threatened or feel inferior if a student does not learn quickly enough. He teaches, he imparts, he empowers.

Many of us remember the antagonist instructor in the movie the Karate Kid. He clearly was on an ego trip. It was not about the kids, it was about him. He was dominating, demeaning, and cruel.

These two styles of authority play out in many ways from business managers, educators, coaches, to even pastors and missionaries. I have met many missionaries who were on the field for all the wrong reasons. They were belittling toward the people group they worked with and arrogant toward other missionaries who “did not know as much as they did.”

Dominion through identity

Wounded people seek authority in order to dominate others. Basic emotional wholeness and a solid identity enable an individual to move into dominion that is life-giving to those under him. Healthy dominion is rooted in our identity and not in our authority. Our identity comes primarily from the way we were fathered.

Basic Trust

The way a father responds to his children builds identity in them. When the father has been diligent in establishing the child’s identity there is a freedom, wholeness, and willingness to risk.

When a child has had his identity affirmed and his needs met by his father, he looks at the world as a positive place, where he can risk and accomplish things. When a child has not experienced his father’s provision and relationship, then there is a fear factor, insecurity, and a root of abandonment so they are not able to risk; they are unable to walk freely in their dominion. Needs to control and dominate come from fear, and fear comes from unresolved issues of shame.

It is from fathering that we are able to step into dominion. Think of the Christian leader, whether in the market place, or the church, that really walks in dominion. They have healthy boundaries-guilt and stories of victimization do not move them nor can they be enticed by gifts of service or goods. Their need to be needed is healed; their identity is in Father’s love. You cannot draw them into gossip or acting in a belittling way toward another even if they have been hurt by that person. Their values guide them. It makes you feel secure to be around them.

Vision

In their authority, they are secure enough to walk in servant-leadership. This leadership is life giving to others as they use their skills to help others and empower them. You feel valued being around them. I believe the day will come when the church will no longer be known for their critical attitude, sanctimony, and falling into the same sins that they judge. I believe the day is coming when the fatherless generation will know the church as the one place they can turn to and truly be loved, valued, and fathered.

Filed Under: Father's Love, authority, sonship
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