Daily Shame

November 20, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

I recently attended a meeting of professionals who were well-educated, had good jobs and good families. A person came in and inconsiderately interrupted the meeting. No one said anything to this person but the majority of those in the meeting gave fleeting glances of disgust or disapproval. This is shame in action.

In years past I had not realized how common shame is. I had heard statements like, “Guilt says you have done something bad, shame says that you are bad;” and “Shame only grows in the dark.” I thought shame only occurs in someone who has really been exploited or victimized in some way. I certainly didn’t see how it applied in my life and definitely not in any regular kind of way.

Identification and recognition are key first steps to overcoming shaming interactions.

Why is this important?
When I judge another human being I am effectively saying that I am better than they are, that I would never fail in the type of way they did. This serves to put a wall up around my heart, a barrier between that person and myself.

I was recently on the subway in Seoul where I saw a Muslim man with his wife who was covered in a burqa. I had previously judged that if foreign women have to wear the appropriate clothing in Muslim nations, then Muslim women can adjust in non-Muslim nations. As I saw this couple I thought to myself, “Dude, men are not after your wife. You don’t have to keep her covered like that.” Immediately I realized – that was a judgmental thought. It put a barrier up in my heart between he and I and blocked the flow of love and compassion and any hope of sharing the gospel with this man.

Our Foundation
1 John 4:18-21 says we can talk a good game, but if we have a wall up toward a brother, we have one up toward God as well. When I block myself from love, it opens the door to many difficulties such as less desire or discipline to pray and more desire to escape into television or food.

The Christian life is designed so that it only functions well on the foundation of a heart open to love. Without this, I can go through the motions of prayer or Christian service, but there’s no life in it. Keeping my heart “on-line” to love is a crucial skill.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

A Massive Skill

October 28, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

On Dancing with the Stars this week, Hope Solo’s dance partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, called judge Len Goodman out on his harshness. Len said, “This is your worst dance of the whole season.” The audience booed, and Len pulled out the “I’ve been in this business for 50 years” line. The tabloids claim Maksim “slammed” Len but he did not. There was not anger on his face nor in his tone of voice. He was simply saying, “Come on, that’s too harsh, these people are working hard.”

http://abc.go.com/watch/dancing-with-the-stars/SH559050/VD55149760/week-6 (at 1:00:5)

Standing up for yourself, without putting the other down
It’s not easy to stand up for yourself in a calm, non-attacking way. It doesn’t necessarily come with age. Len Goodman at 67 years old doesn’t know how to do this.

This is an essential skill in marriage. The marriage partners who receive respect and cooperation by their spouses are the ones who respond in ways which continue to foster that atmosphere in the home. They can state their side without resorting to criticism. They give respect, even in the face of stress or apparent bad behavior on the part of the other, yet they don’t back down.

This skill applies to not being run over on our jobs as well, and receiving respect from our peers.

It’s so easy to focus on how bad our boss is or controlling and abusive our spouse is, yet others can’t really control how we feel unless we let them.

God wants to develop this skill in all of us. The church has so often been either attacking or a door mat. This comes out in how we respond to the world, our spouses, difficult people in our churches, etc. We reject or quietly distance ourselves from the “problem person.”

What would happen if the hurting of the world started running into true spiritual fathers and mothers who were not threatened by the hurt-based behavior of others and could love them anyway and call them up higher?

Filed Under: Father's Love, life skills

The Adventures of Super Fuzz

October 23, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

I was thinking back about how, when I was a child, our family used to take road trips all the time. My sister and I would sit in the back seat, she (the elder) with her drawing pad and me with my stuffed animals, sound effects and silliness. These were the days before built-in DVD players in cars, computer tablets, smart phones, Game Boys, portable CD players and, yes, even before “Walkmans.” (Such a dark age compared to today.) All we had were road games and our imagination. And our imaginations were pretty lively.

On one such trip, us two girls in the back seat came up with a comic-strip character: Super Fuzz, a super-hero cat who could do amazing antics. My sister would draw as we developed the feline’s traits and devised stories of brave and courageous adventures. I was always writing something when I was younger…stories, poems, songs. Who would have thought back then that one my main jobs would be writing when I grew up?

We never know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future, as the cliche´goes. But it’s true. I felt like the Lord just wanted me to write an encouraging word about not giving up. We all have dreams or something we want to accomplish, whether it be getting married, having a baby or becoming a famous actor. The choices are wide open. I know we can feel trapped or limited by those circumstances and persons around us, but God has no limits or boundaries. He is outside, above and over all!

My favorite verse since I was 10 has been Phil. 4:13 – ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Don’t let someone tell you what you can’t do, let God tell you what you can do. Keep looking for that job, keep practicing your scales, your pirouettes; keep saving to get out of debt, keep exercising and eating right. Whatever it may be, keep believing. Ask for His strength. Let your imagination run wild. You never know what the future holds. You may become a writer, a musician, a pastor, an investor, a grandma, a coach, a politician, a painter, a business owner, an architect, a chef, a father. There are so many options and phases in life.

You could even be a super-hero comic-strip cartoonist. Feed your dreams with the Word. Let God be your guide and director of your affairs. Don’t give up. Choose to be like the character my sister and I created, Super Fuzz, and have adventures and live fully.

Filed Under: Personhood Tagged With: , ,

Standing in Dignity

October 14, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Everyone feels fearful or hurt from time to time; conflicts and misunderstandings are a part of life. There are basically two ways people respond: shame and condemnation, or guilt and accountability.

Challenges
Ron had a terrible day at work. His boss accused him of a mistake on a major project and he feels his job might be in jeopardy. He comes home wired, tense, longing for the refuge of his Lazy Boy/TV cave. His wife immediately hits him with, “the car won’t start” and “by the way, Jr. is failing math.” Then Ron loses it; he gets bitterly sarcastic with his wife and down right caustic with his son, “What’s the matter with you boy, are you an idiot? I told you to lay off those video games and study more.”

Shame and Condemnation
In a shame-based family system individuals respond to conflicts in shame perpetuating ways. There is a constant underlying message of devalue, not just communicating you did wrong but that you are wrong. These individuals have lived with the pain of shame instead of dignity and so spend their time protecting themselves from this pain by never allowing anything to be their fault. Since it is impossible to never be wrong, everything must be subject to judgment and charged accordingly. This ‘moral monitoring’ means that the littlest mistakes like, forgetting to floss, not rinsing off a dish, not taking your shoes off at the door, can get you “a look” that communicates, “What’s wrong with you?” The Pharisees lived here. Their hearts were never open to mercy and the smallest infractions were subject to their censure.

Shame is a hidden belief about self that “I am flawed.” This belief is triggered anytime something goes wrong. Therefore, life’s challenges can’t be seen on their own merits and viewed simply as a problem to be solved, but instead someone must always be to blame. I can’t allow it to be me, so it must be you. So Jr. doesn’t just need more study time or perhaps a tutor, Jr. needs to suffer for his insolence.

Personhood and Abuse
Personhood is the quality of being an individual person and so worthy of dignity. The origin of shame is abuse that violates and diminishes personhood. This is done through crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries by attacking another persons’ right to choose what they think or what action they’ll take. This plays out in statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What were you thinking?” or it could be a backhand across the face.

These attacks are in two categories: fight or flight. “Fight” is anything from a sarcastic remark, to a demeaning statement, to physical harm. “Flight” can be anything from the silent treatment, to not being willing to discuss certain issues, or even to full on abandonment.

Healthy Guilt and Accountability
All of us make mistakes sometimes. The provision for that is healthy guilt and accountability. If I have made a mistake, guilt is appropriate. Guilt is a painful feeling that I have violated one of my values. It is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Healthy guilt leads me to take responsibility, walk in accountability, and make repair. If someone has acted inappropriately toward me, accountability has to do with honoring the other as a person yet not covering the consequences they face for their actions.

Unconditional love and healthy guilt allows people to make mistakes. When there’s a base of unconditional love and healthy guilt to resolve conflict rather than shaming behaviors to handle what bothers us, people can live in healthy community and growth takes place.

Growing in God’s love should move us toward treating others with dignity, even those we very much disagree with. The question of another person’s worth or dignity should never come into play. This has a huge affect on our walk with God. If I treat others with condemnation, I will not be able to escape feeling like God treats me that way. This is a milestone that must be crossed if we are to learn to walk in a depth of obedience to the Lord.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love, Personhood Tagged With: , , ,

Equanimity for Productivity

September 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Equanimity is a fancy word for the Biblical rest spoken of in Hebrews 4. It means I am neither striving to make things happen nor avoiding what God would use to cause growth in our lives.

Striving – everyone faces fears and insecurities sometimes, usually daily.
When we feel insecure we often strive. We try and make things happen, try and jimmy a door open. We become controlling in some way, becoming more aggressive with others or giving them the silent treatment. We may make lots of vows to work harder or lose weight or avoid that bad habit at all costs.

Avoiding – we also have many ways we put walls around our hearts. A person cuts us off in traffic, our spouse is insensitive to our needs, our boss yells at us – “That jerk,” we think. The minute we label someone we are blocking him from our heart.

Acceptance – when we can walk in acceptance, acknowledging God in all our ways, giving Him thanks in all things, there’s a rest. From this place of rest grows the fruit of the Spirit. We honor all men, we honor ourselves, we get things done.

Contemplative prayer – the discipline of contemplative prayer fosters rest. I say some words of love to God and I wait in His presence. Sometimes I sense His presence, sometimes my mind wanders like crazy. Learning to accept whatever happens as exactly what God has for me at that moment, with no sense of frustration. This fosters equanimity, rest. This begins to spill over into other parts of our lives. When I’m not worked up to make things happen nor frustrated at things I don’t like, life flows.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love

A Huge Life Skill for Marriages

September 9, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

1 Corinthians 13:7 (Amp) “love…is ever ready to believe the best of every person….”

“You were too hard on the kids; no TV for a month?– come on.” “They’ve got to learn, you’ll cause them to grow up as irresponsible leeches with an entitlement spirit.” “You’re pushing them into rebellion!” “You’re enabling them into rebellion!” “You’re not a nice person!” “You’re so enabling the cat’s fat cause – you can’t even say no to him!”

Through numerous, well controlled studies, researchers have identified attitudes and actions that predict marital success with 91% accuracy. Criticism is at the top of the list.
Criticism is when we go beyond talking about our feelings to making global and absolute statements. “You always.” “You never.” “You only care about yourself.”

“Beneath criticism lies a general tendency to assume that, if you are upset, somebody must have done something wrong. 69% of marital upsets arise from conflicting values, priorities, beliefs, or personal tendencies for which there is no generally accepted standard.” (Gottman, 2002)

Marriages start to slide when partners assume there is a correct standard to which they are entitled to hold their partners accountable. Most fights couples have are not about morality, one person being “wrong.” It’s about opinions, priorities, etc.

Who should do what chores?
How neat and organized should things be?
How much time should be put into career versus family?
How much and what type of discipline should be used with the kids?
How much time should the couple spend together versus with friends?
How much time should be spent with extended families?

Happily married couples avoid assuming that their partner’s values, priorities, or opinions are wrong. They give their partner the benefit of the doubt (“love believes the best,” 1 Cor.).

When we can express empathy, considering the other person’s point of view, asking them where they are coming from, we have a 91% chance of staying married. Statistics aside, this is a huge key to all successful relationships. We have to believe the best of one another, talk things out when there’s conflict, and not just assume someone’s wrong and someone’s right.

Filed Under: life skills Tagged With: ,

Falta de Educación

August 11, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

One day in Azua, Dominican Republic, I was waiting in line to pay my phone bill. Those of us in line had been waiting awhile when this guy comes in and walks right up to the front of the line, cutting in like he was an insider or something. A person in line commented, “falta de educación” (lack of education). At first I thought, “Oh, he didn’t learn to read;” there was a sign that said, “line starts here.” But in the DR I heard this phrase repeated often in situations where people lacked courtesy or consideration, and I realized it spoke to something beyond the scope of formal education. It had to do with how people were raised. In a country where many people were raised by subsistence farmers up in the mountains with no running water or electricity and very much a survival mentality, it is almost unfair to thrust them into city life.

Maturity
All of us were “raised” in some way, according to the values and level of character development our parents had. There are many ways we can “lack education.” Did our parents model healthy problem solving and conflict resolution? Were the children’s ideas listened to and opinions valued even when silly or off-base? Were people treated with dignity, even those they disagreed with, or did you hear demeaning words come out about people of other religions, races, or politics? Was healthy money management modeled? Did mom or dad have to tiptoe around or avoid certain topics at times?

So once we get saved and become a Christian we never struggle with any of this “lack of education” again, right? No. We just call on God in prayer and He fixes how we were raised, right? Wrong again. When we can recognize issues of control, or shame, or helplessness, or judgment in our family system, we can begin to do something about it. God wants a mature bride that can show the earth the love they’ve always longed for. Sometimes He just has to take the time to “educate” us.

Filed Under: Emotional Health Tagged With: ,

Shame and Intimacy

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

As many of us have experienced, I went through some painful times of rejection growing up: the fight I not only lost, I didn’t even see coming; my best friend deciding to un-friend me; Dad not showing up to watch me compete in the skateboard contest. And there are the smaller things. Getting yelled at when you didn’t even realize you were in error, getting disciplined in a demeaning way. These experiences caused me to wear a mask, to put forth an image of myself that seemed more acceptable than simply being me. It was not unlike when Adam suddenly had the need to cover his newly self-conscious nakedness with fig leaves and hide when God showed up because he was afraid.

There are many masks we can adopt. In grade school I was the class cut-up. In high school there were many manifestations of the mask: you had the nerd crowd, the jocks, the heavy-metal kids, and some country. I was a preppy druggy. I made fun of the goody-two-shoes nerds, the spastic jocks, and the loser heavy-metal crowd. Don’t even get me started on the rednecks. Then I got saved and became Bible man. No one could know the Bible better than me. I became a spaz for God. But in all of these examples I was hiding, wearing a mask. It didn’t feel okay to simply be me.

We all have ways we hide, things we don’t ever want others to see about us, things we don’t even want to know about ourselves. Nobody is completely exempt from dealing with issues of shame. However, the idea is to be ever moving toward intimacy (“into-me-see”). This is were we can be transparent, genuine, and vulnerable. This is where we can find connection with God and others and come out of loneliness.

God wants us all to be His transparent bride, who looks forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, awesome as an army with banners (Song 6).

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: , , ,

Being A Person

July 30, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

One huge way Prayer Ministry can help people is in the discerning between healthy guilt and shame.

Objects
When we lived in the Dominican Republic, we had a horse that could take us up the mountain. My soul sang as we road the trail, seeing the wilderness along the way and the views of the city from above. We loved our horse and named her Hannah. It was a point of humor to many Dominicans that we named our horse. Animals were tools to them – something used for a purpose. Sometimes people are treated that way. Verbal, physical, and sexual abuse treat a person as if they were an object. Shame dwells here. This can cause real trouble for our maturing as Christians.

Healthy Guilt versus Shame
Violations are a part of life. We all have short comings; we all fail at something from time to time;  we all have habits we struggle with. Life events are sometimes hurtful.

When we are struggling with feelings of shame and our boss yells at us at work, our car breaks down at the worst moment possible, or we suddenly find ourselves in a conflict with someone we care about, it can feel very anxious. Often we either react too strongly, move into silence and the cold shoulder, or we say something hasty or sarcastic.

The line between healthy guilt and shame can get blurry. When I live from a place of feeling loved and feeling like it is okay to be me, I can take violations on their face value. I can discern if my core values have been crossed and I can make any repair deemed necessary, whether that is to simply repent to God or go to someone and apologize. When I have issues of shame, a violation attacks who I am as a person – it touches my personhood. I then have feelings of shame, embarrassment, inferiority, and rejection. It’s not just that I did wrong or received a wrong, but these violations mean that I am wrong.

Prayer Ministry is very effective in helping us work through shame issues and learning not to run to rejection each time we fail or when life’s events throw us a curve ball. This then puts us into a learning relationship with life. Our core values get more defined and personal growth occurs.

Filed Under: Personhood, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: ,

Obama Lovers

July 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

Think of all the Facebook posts, tweets and emails you receive on President Obama. There is generally a common theme: in some way he is doing something wrong or violating our values. However, how often do you see a post on a prayer strategy for God to work in Obama’s life? We spend a lot of time focusing on the problems and very little on being a part of the answer. I believe this points to a much greater problem in the church at large.

Picture a girl that grew up in a great home. Her parents were very healthy emotionally. Her whole life she saw her parents resolve conflict in a respect-based way. There was no blame; everyone had a voice. No one was belittled for their thoughts and opinions, even when wrong. People were held accountable for their actions. Affection was prevalent. Fast forward years later when the girl becomes a young adult and meets an attractive young man. She notices fairly quickly little ways he lacks respect of other people’s boundaries. She may not have all the language for it, but she knows deep inside, “This boy is not like Dad.” Maybe at first she tries to call him on it. He accuses her of being overly sensitive or unable to take a joke. She understands that it is not funny and feels confident in that belief. Because of what was modeled for her by her parents, she can be secure, sense the wrong, drop him and move on to date someone else.

Most of us were not raised in such a home and do not have the ability to recognize these things. In this case, these emotional skills will have to be learned as an adult. Many people end up being hurt by others, however, the reality is, no one can hurt us unless we let them. It is easy to put all the emphasis on the predator being so very wrong, but the victim that allows the behavior also needs healing and growth.

Feeling powerless at times is a universal theme but there is no future in it. When I find myself complaining about someone or something, what is underlying that is a feeling of powerlessness. I am allowing that person or thing to affect my life; I am allowing it to influence and change me.

If President Obama is promoting policies that are anti-Israel or pro-abortion, yes, we need to have a voice, yet respectfully. We also need to be fasting and praying or our voice may be more based in our fears rather than in our faith. There is no place for complaining and gossiping about our president. Those things indicate much more than a president we don’t like. They reveal issues of victim thinking, powerlessness, and ways we still struggle to trust God; and these issues need to be dealt with.

Filed Under: Boundaries, control, life skills, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , , , ,
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