The Adventures of Super Fuzz

October 23, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

I was thinking back about how, when I was a child, our family used to take road trips all the time. My sister and I would sit in the back seat, she (the elder) with her drawing pad and me with my stuffed animals, sound effects and silliness. These were the days before built-in DVD players in cars, computer tablets, smart phones, Game Boys, portable CD players and, yes, even before “Walkmans.” (Such a dark age compared to today.) All we had were road games and our imagination. And our imaginations were pretty lively.

On one such trip, us two girls in the back seat came up with a comic-strip character: Super Fuzz, a super-hero cat who could do amazing antics. My sister would draw as we developed the feline’s traits and devised stories of brave and courageous adventures. I was always writing something when I was younger…stories, poems, songs. Who would have thought back then that one my main jobs would be writing when I grew up?

We never know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future, as the cliche´goes. But it’s true. I felt like the Lord just wanted me to write an encouraging word about not giving up. We all have dreams or something we want to accomplish, whether it be getting married, having a baby or becoming a famous actor. The choices are wide open. I know we can feel trapped or limited by those circumstances and persons around us, but God has no limits or boundaries. He is outside, above and over all!

My favorite verse since I was 10 has been Phil. 4:13 – ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Don’t let someone tell you what you can’t do, let God tell you what you can do. Keep looking for that job, keep practicing your scales, your pirouettes; keep saving to get out of debt, keep exercising and eating right. Whatever it may be, keep believing. Ask for His strength. Let your imagination run wild. You never know what the future holds. You may become a writer, a musician, a pastor, an investor, a grandma, a coach, a politician, a painter, a business owner, an architect, a chef, a father. There are so many options and phases in life.

You could even be a super-hero comic-strip cartoonist. Feed your dreams with the Word. Let God be your guide and director of your affairs. Don’t give up. Choose to be like the character my sister and I created, Super Fuzz, and have adventures and live fully.

Filed Under: Personhood Tagged With: , ,

Standing in Dignity

October 14, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Everyone feels fearful or hurt from time to time; conflicts and misunderstandings are a part of life. There are basically two ways people respond: shame and condemnation, or guilt and accountability.

Challenges
Ron had a terrible day at work. His boss accused him of a mistake on a major project and he feels his job might be in jeopardy. He comes home wired, tense, longing for the refuge of his Lazy Boy/TV cave. His wife immediately hits him with, “the car won’t start” and “by the way, Jr. is failing math.” Then Ron loses it; he gets bitterly sarcastic with his wife and down right caustic with his son, “What’s the matter with you boy, are you an idiot? I told you to lay off those video games and study more.”

Shame and Condemnation
In a shame-based family system individuals respond to conflicts in shame perpetuating ways. There is a constant underlying message of devalue, not just communicating you did wrong but that you are wrong. These individuals have lived with the pain of shame instead of dignity and so spend their time protecting themselves from this pain by never allowing anything to be their fault. Since it is impossible to never be wrong, everything must be subject to judgment and charged accordingly. This ‘moral monitoring’ means that the littlest mistakes like, forgetting to floss, not rinsing off a dish, not taking your shoes off at the door, can get you “a look” that communicates, “What’s wrong with you?” The Pharisees lived here. Their hearts were never open to mercy and the smallest infractions were subject to their censure.

Shame is a hidden belief about self that “I am flawed.” This belief is triggered anytime something goes wrong. Therefore, life’s challenges can’t be seen on their own merits and viewed simply as a problem to be solved, but instead someone must always be to blame. I can’t allow it to be me, so it must be you. So Jr. doesn’t just need more study time or perhaps a tutor, Jr. needs to suffer for his insolence.

Personhood and Abuse
Personhood is the quality of being an individual person and so worthy of dignity. The origin of shame is abuse that violates and diminishes personhood. This is done through crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries by attacking another persons’ right to choose what they think or what action they’ll take. This plays out in statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What were you thinking?” or it could be a backhand across the face.

These attacks are in two categories: fight or flight. “Fight” is anything from a sarcastic remark, to a demeaning statement, to physical harm. “Flight” can be anything from the silent treatment, to not being willing to discuss certain issues, or even to full on abandonment.

Healthy Guilt and Accountability
All of us make mistakes sometimes. The provision for that is healthy guilt and accountability. If I have made a mistake, guilt is appropriate. Guilt is a painful feeling that I have violated one of my values. It is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Healthy guilt leads me to take responsibility, walk in accountability, and make repair. If someone has acted inappropriately toward me, accountability has to do with honoring the other as a person yet not covering the consequences they face for their actions.

Unconditional love and healthy guilt allows people to make mistakes. When there’s a base of unconditional love and healthy guilt to resolve conflict rather than shaming behaviors to handle what bothers us, people can live in healthy community and growth takes place.

Growing in God’s love should move us toward treating others with dignity, even those we very much disagree with. The question of another person’s worth or dignity should never come into play. This has a huge affect on our walk with God. If I treat others with condemnation, I will not be able to escape feeling like God treats me that way. This is a milestone that must be crossed if we are to learn to walk in a depth of obedience to the Lord.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love, Personhood Tagged With: , , ,

Equanimity for Productivity

September 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Equanimity is a fancy word for the Biblical rest spoken of in Hebrews 4. It means I am neither striving to make things happen nor avoiding what God would use to cause growth in our lives.

Striving – everyone faces fears and insecurities sometimes, usually daily.
When we feel insecure we often strive. We try and make things happen, try and jimmy a door open. We become controlling in some way, becoming more aggressive with others or giving them the silent treatment. We may make lots of vows to work harder or lose weight or avoid that bad habit at all costs.

Avoiding – we also have many ways we put walls around our hearts. A person cuts us off in traffic, our spouse is insensitive to our needs, our boss yells at us – “That jerk,” we think. The minute we label someone we are blocking him from our heart.

Acceptance – when we can walk in acceptance, acknowledging God in all our ways, giving Him thanks in all things, there’s a rest. From this place of rest grows the fruit of the Spirit. We honor all men, we honor ourselves, we get things done.

Contemplative prayer – the discipline of contemplative prayer fosters rest. I say some words of love to God and I wait in His presence. Sometimes I sense His presence, sometimes my mind wanders like crazy. Learning to accept whatever happens as exactly what God has for me at that moment, with no sense of frustration. This fosters equanimity, rest. This begins to spill over into other parts of our lives. When I’m not worked up to make things happen nor frustrated at things I don’t like, life flows.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love Tagged With: , , , ,

A Huge Life Skill for Marriages

September 9, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

1 Corinthians 13:7 (Amp) “love…is ever ready to believe the best of every person….”

“You were too hard on the kids; no TV for a month?– come on.” “They’ve got to learn, you’ll cause them to grow up as irresponsible leeches with an entitlement spirit.” “You’re pushing them into rebellion!” “You’re enabling them into rebellion!” “You’re not a nice person!” “You’re so enabling the cat’s fat cause – you can’t even say no to him!”

Through numerous, well controlled studies, researchers have identified attitudes and actions that predict marital success with 91% accuracy. Criticism is at the top of the list.
Criticism is when we go beyond talking about our feelings to making global and absolute statements. “You always.” “You never.” “You only care about yourself.”

“Beneath criticism lies a general tendency to assume that, if you are upset, somebody must have done something wrong. 69% of marital upsets arise from conflicting values, priorities, beliefs, or personal tendencies for which there is no generally accepted standard.” (Gottman, 2002)

Marriages start to slide when partners assume there is a correct standard to which they are entitled to hold their partners accountable. Most fights couples have are not about morality, one person being “wrong.” It’s about opinions, priorities, etc.

Who should do what chores?
How neat and organized should things be?
How much time should be put into career versus family?
How much and what type of discipline should be used with the kids?
How much time should the couple spend together versus with friends?
How much time should be spent with extended families?

Happily married couples avoid assuming that their partner’s values, priorities, or opinions are wrong. They give their partner the benefit of the doubt (“love believes the best,” 1 Cor.).

When we can express empathy, considering the other person’s point of view, asking them where they are coming from, we have a 91% chance of staying married. Statistics aside, this is a huge key to all successful relationships. We have to believe the best of one another, talk things out when there’s conflict, and not just assume someone’s wrong and someone’s right.

Filed Under: life skills Tagged With: ,

Falta de Educación

August 11, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

One day in Azua, Dominican Republic, I was waiting in line to pay my phone bill. Those of us in line had been waiting awhile when this guy comes in and walks right up to the front of the line, cutting in like he was an insider or something. A person in line commented, “falta de educación” (lack of education). At first I thought, “Oh, he didn’t learn to read;” there was a sign that said, “line starts here.” But in the DR I heard this phrase repeated often in situations where people lacked courtesy or consideration, and I realized it spoke to something beyond the scope of formal education. It had to do with how people were raised. In a country where many people were raised by subsistence farmers up in the mountains with no running water or electricity and very much a survival mentality, it is almost unfair to thrust them into city life.

Maturity
All of us were “raised” in some way, according to the values and level of character development our parents had. There are many ways we can “lack education.” Did our parents model healthy problem solving and conflict resolution? Were the children’s ideas listened to and opinions valued even when silly or off-base? Were people treated with dignity, even those they disagreed with, or did you hear demeaning words come out about people of other religions, races, or politics? Was healthy money management modeled? Did mom or dad have to tiptoe around or avoid certain topics at times?

So once we get saved and become a Christian we never struggle with any of this “lack of education” again, right? No. We just call on God in prayer and He fixes how we were raised, right? Wrong again. When we can recognize issues of control, or shame, or helplessness, or judgment in our family system, we can begin to do something about it. God wants a mature bride that can show the earth the love they’ve always longed for. Sometimes He just has to take the time to “educate” us.

Filed Under: Emotional Health Tagged With: ,

Shame and Intimacy

August 7, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

As many of us have experienced, I went through some painful times of rejection growing up: the fight I not only lost, I didn’t even see coming; my best friend deciding to un-friend me; Dad not showing up to watch me compete in the skateboard contest. And there are the smaller things. Getting yelled at when you didn’t even realize you were in error, getting disciplined in a demeaning way. These experiences caused me to wear a mask, to put forth an image of myself that seemed more acceptable than simply being me. It was not unlike when Adam suddenly had the need to cover his newly self-conscious nakedness with fig leaves and hide when God showed up because he was afraid.

There are many masks we can adopt. In grade school I was the class cut-up. In high school there were many manifestations of the mask: you had the nerd crowd, the jocks, the heavy-metal kids, and some country. I was a preppy druggy. I made fun of the goody-two-shoes nerds, the spastic jocks, and the loser heavy-metal crowd. Don’t even get me started on the rednecks. Then I got saved and became Bible man. No one could know the Bible better than me. I became a spaz for God. But in all of these examples I was hiding, wearing a mask. It didn’t feel okay to simply be me.

We all have ways we hide, things we don’t ever want others to see about us, things we don’t even want to know about ourselves. Nobody is completely exempt from dealing with issues of shame. However, the idea is to be ever moving toward intimacy (“into-me-see”). This is were we can be transparent, genuine, and vulnerable. This is where we can find connection with God and others and come out of loneliness.

God wants us all to be His transparent bride, who looks forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, awesome as an army with banners (Song 6).

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: , , ,

Being A Person

July 30, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

One huge way Prayer Ministry can help people is in the discerning between healthy guilt and shame.

Objects
When we lived in the Dominican Republic, we had a horse that could take us up the mountain. My soul sang as we road the trail, seeing the wilderness along the way and the views of the city from above. We loved our horse and named her Hannah. It was a point of humor to many Dominicans that we named our horse. Animals were tools to them – something used for a purpose. Sometimes people are treated that way. Verbal, physical, and sexual abuse treat a person as if they were an object. Shame dwells here. This can cause real trouble for our maturing as Christians.

Healthy Guilt versus Shame
Violations are a part of life. We all have short comings; we all fail at something from time to time;  we all have habits we struggle with. Life events are sometimes hurtful.

When we are struggling with feelings of shame and our boss yells at us at work, our car breaks down at the worst moment possible, or we suddenly find ourselves in a conflict with someone we care about, it can feel very anxious. Often we either react too strongly, move into silence and the cold shoulder, or we say something hasty or sarcastic.

The line between healthy guilt and shame can get blurry. When I live from a place of feeling loved and feeling like it is okay to be me, I can take violations on their face value. I can discern if my core values have been crossed and I can make any repair deemed necessary, whether that is to simply repent to God or go to someone and apologize. When I have issues of shame, a violation attacks who I am as a person – it touches my personhood. I then have feelings of shame, embarrassment, inferiority, and rejection. It’s not just that I did wrong or received a wrong, but these violations mean that I am wrong.

Prayer Ministry is very effective in helping us work through shame issues and learning not to run to rejection each time we fail or when life’s events throw us a curve ball. This then puts us into a learning relationship with life. Our core values get more defined and personal growth occurs.

Filed Under: Personhood, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: ,

Obama Lovers

July 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

Think of all the Facebook posts, tweets and emails you receive on President Obama. There is generally a common theme: in some way he is doing something wrong or violating our values. However, how often do you see a post on a prayer strategy for God to work in Obama’s life? We spend a lot of time focusing on the problems and very little on being a part of the answer. I believe this points to a much greater problem in the church at large.

Picture a girl that grew up in a great home. Her parents were very healthy emotionally. Her whole life she saw her parents resolve conflict in a respect-based way. There was no blame; everyone had a voice. No one was belittled for their thoughts and opinions, even when wrong. People were held accountable for their actions. Affection was prevalent. Fast forward years later when the girl becomes a young adult and meets an attractive young man. She notices fairly quickly little ways he lacks respect of other people’s boundaries. She may not have all the language for it, but she knows deep inside, “This boy is not like Dad.” Maybe at first she tries to call him on it. He accuses her of being overly sensitive or unable to take a joke. She understands that it is not funny and feels confident in that belief. Because of what was modeled for her by her parents, she can be secure, sense the wrong, drop him and move on to date someone else.

Most of us were not raised in such a home and do not have the ability to recognize these things. In this case, these emotional skills will have to be learned as an adult. Many people end up being hurt by others, however, the reality is, no one can hurt us unless we let them. It is easy to put all the emphasis on the predator being so very wrong, but the victim that allows the behavior also needs healing and growth.

Feeling powerless at times is a universal theme but there is no future in it. When I find myself complaining about someone or something, what is underlying that is a feeling of powerlessness. I am allowing that person or thing to affect my life; I am allowing it to influence and change me.

If President Obama is promoting policies that are anti-Israel or pro-abortion, yes, we need to have a voice, yet respectfully. We also need to be fasting and praying or our voice may be more based in our fears rather than in our faith. There is no place for complaining and gossiping about our president. Those things indicate much more than a president we don’t like. They reveal issues of victim thinking, powerlessness, and ways we still struggle to trust God; and these issues need to be dealt with.

Filed Under: Boundaries, control, life skills, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , , , ,

Interventionist Theology & Life Skill Sets

July 10, 2011 By 3 Comments

By Robert

Interventionist Teaching
Much of the teaching we hear in church has to do with faith: being encouraged that God will come through, that God is faithful, He is for you, just keep hanging on. This is good and right but not the whole picture.

We use the analogy that making an airplane sound to feed a baby is cute. But doing it to feed a 16-year-old is wrong! This exemplifies the relationship to faith. This teenager should now be better able to trust God since he’s not a baby anymore. Again, here’s good truth, so let’s expand that out some. In real life, the 16-year-old has learned some skills. Some hand to mouth coordination. He can probably even fix some meals himself. Certainly he can plate his own food.

If we aren’t careful, being overly focused on God’s intervention can lead to a victim mentality. We take steps to trust God, we fast, we pray and we end up feeling like God has not come through for us. We end up depressed and even angry at God. Yet, many times, we didn’t learn a single new skill in the process of exercising our faith.

Life Skill Sets
Maturity is more than faith and it is even more than repentance or casting something out. There are also things God wants us to learn in the process. There are those who have developed excellent people skills. Insecure and controlling people don’t “push their buttons.” They can speak up for themselves while maintaining respect in the conversation. There are people
with excellent writing and speaking skills, and those skills bring opportunity into their lives. Also there are people that have learned to handle finances well.

Dealing properly and responsibly with our emotions is a skill. Walking in empathy is a skill. Walking in the humility to take the “high road” with others is a skill. Learning to overcome a victim mentality is a skill.

Effort
When I studied for my masters in Christian counseling, I had to write a fifteen-page research paper for every class. That was in addition to  a couple shorter papers and reading several books on the given subject. What if a given Christian put that kind of effort in learning to develop good communication skills, or in understanding effective leadership that could help them on their job or leading in community volunteer projects? What if someone decided they have struggled long enough with a victim mentality and chose to study everything about it to walk out of it?

We will always need faith, but faith without works is dead. It’s not always about Divine intervention. Knowing there are skills and other things God wants us to mature in opens up new avenues of growth and gives us greater hope to see sustainable change.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Leadership, life skills, Personhood Tagged With: , , ,

Journaling for Emotional Intelligence

July 3, 2011 By 5 Comments

By Robert

Emotional awareness and empathy are huge concepts. We hear a lot of preaching on guarding our hearts, putting a watch on our mouths, walking circumspectly. We make effort, sometimes we succeed, sometimes not. The key is emotional awareness. If I don’t know what’s happening in my heart, from which all the issues of life flow, I have little chance of managing it. (Pr.4:23) It is so easy to walk around angry or fearful or even guilty, and yet not really aware of it.

Empathy is the ability to tune into where other people are at. As much as the Bible has to say about guarding our hearts, it may have even more to say about loving others. Empathy is what empowers loving others. Consider this in the light of healthy dialogue.

A friend at church has trouble respecting boundaries. If I flat out call him on it he will likely get offended. If I say nothing, I support bad behavior and pay a price. If I disassociate, I may also communicate rejection. So what’s the key? Empathy. With empathy I can try and see things from his perspective. I can look past the behavior into what may be driving it. With my own emotions sorted and empathy operating, I can embrace humility and create safety for dialogue.

Safe dialogue is another huge skill that flows from humility. I bring up a potentially volatile topic with my friend and ask him to share his heart. This is very different than accusing him of crossing a boundary. I’m seeking understanding, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that there may be more to the story than I realize. It’s not backing away from truth. I may still say, “When you did such and such it appeared that…;” however, the drive is for understanding and a way forward, not to be right, or justified, or to correct.

Through journaling I can exercise my emotional awareness and empathy and they will therefore grow.  As I journal about what happened in a situation, how it made me feel, what may have been going on in the heart of the other person, I improve my skill. I don’t know of anything that gives a better rate of return than what we get by building emotional awareness and empathy. They are the key to excelling in dialogue. They are key in becoming that person on the job who has excellent people skills and so gets promoted. They are key in knowing myself, discovering my dreams and natural talents. Most of all, they are the key to a healthy relationship with God and an ability to cooperate with His dealings in my life.

Matt.12:34… For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
Lu.6:45 The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Emotional Health, Personhood Tagged With: , ,
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