Abuse Creates Powerlessness

May 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Powerlessness
Tom has worked hard on his job. He’s always the first one there and the last to leave. There’s an opening for a promotion and Tom plans on being the one to get it. He’s all in, this is the dream, he’s worked hard.

The big day finally comes. There are knots in his stomach as he arrived that morning. It’s almost lunch and nobody seems to know anything. When he returns from lunch he keeps noticing people congratulating Monica and his stomach drops.

Tom’s wife had been telling him for months to tell his boss of his intentions. Even now she suggests he go and ask what happened. Maybe there’s something he can learn for the future. Yet, he just can’t bring himself to do it. Fear overcomes him every time.

Initiative
If we were to look into Monica’s life we’d see a real go getter, a mover and shaker. She let her boss know a long time ago she was interested in the position. She had confidence in her competence. She wasn’t afraid to try. She figured, “If this company doesn’t see my value, someone else will.”

Foundations
Many people have experienced disappointment in their walks with God. They’ve had prayers that have gone unanswered, dreams unfulfilled. That healing that didn’t come, that ministry outreach that never got off the ground, etc.

The root of powerlessness is often in a weak identity. Identity — “I’m a child of God with all of the rights and privileges that come with that. I have access to my Father, His wisdom and resources. I’m not a red-headed step-child.“

How do we get this level of self-worth? We first learn our identity in our homes growing up. If our parents could use boundaries rather than shame, we learn self-worth. We have to learn to be potty trained, not to play with breakables, not to pull our sister’s hair, how to throw the ball, etc. If it was okay to make a mistake, if patience was used with correction we learn that we have worth as a son/daughter. As the teens approach and our own thoughts and feelings were respected, yet healthy consequences were not erased, maturity begins to take root. We have the freedom to try, to take initiative, to not be devastated by a mistake.

All abuse on the other hand, tears down identity and thus creates powerlessness. When I don’t do something right I’m told something’s wrong with me. If I like the latest style “all the kids are wearing,” I’m told only freaks wear that.

All of this stuff gets transferred to how we view God. If someone struggles with condemnation, powerlessness, putting a lot of pressure on themselves and others, striving, performance–the roots may be in a weak identity as a child of God. We feel God, like people, is also demanding and not respectful of our boundaries.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: , , , , , ,

God’s Mothering Heart

May 10, 2012 By 5 Comments

By Cyndi

Many exhortations we hear within the church are things we should be doing. Things like evangelizing, teaching, praying, serving, giving, studying and so on. Good things, I agree. The Bible does encourage us to do these things, but have we ever stopped to think about the fact that this is a masculine viewpoint of the Gospel? God created the masculine to go, to create, to conquer, to build, to produce. And often this is the side we see revealed in our churches. That’s great, but where’s the feminine side?

Simplified, the masculine is to do; the feminine is to be. A father speaks vision and destiny to a child. He reveals all the possibilities of what can be done, what can be accomplished. A mother expresses love and nurture to a child. She exhibits compassion, trust and connection. Picture this: a father and mother are watching their four-year-old son play soccer. He’s so cute out there running around in his bright uniform and shin guards on. The father yells, “Get the ball! Go to the goal! Shoot!” The little guy runs hard, dribbles as best he can towards the net and shoots. Just as he kicked the ball, an opposing team member tried to kick it too but missed and landed his cleat squarely on the knee of the little fellow. The ball makes it into the net, but the son is on the ground holding his hurt knee. Now what are the reactions from the parents in this event? From the father: “GOAL! Yes! My son made a goal! Look at him, he’s the greatest! Think he’s good now? Just wait till he’s ten!” And from the mother: “Oh honey, are you okay? (wanting to run out onto the field and check for herself) Can you get up? Are you bleeding? Do you need a band-aid?” Notice the difference in the two. This type of “mothering” is an expression of God’s heart.

And think about it: How can we truly carry out the Great Commision (“go ye into all the world”) if we first cannot obey the Great Commandment (“thou shalt love the Lord God with all your heart…”)? Love is always first. Before we go, we need to know love. We need to be “mothered” by God, nurtured in His care and secure in His affections towards us. Knowing His immeasurable grace gives us the base to stay in a place of rest and peace as we go into the world to do His works and share His love to others.

God’s mothering heart is open to us all. John, the beloved disciple, recognized this side of the Lord when he rested on Jesus’ chest at supper (John 21:20). It’s the place we find refuge, safety, security, compassion and peace. Just like a mother, He’s there to hold us when we’re scared, kiss our boo-boos, and walk hand in hand with us through all of life’s challenges. I pray that you will take time to rest in the arms of our Beloved. Stop “doing” for a little while and just “be.” When the world tries to beat you down and you don’t feel like you will ever make a goal or be a success, God has a mothering heart that wants to nurture you back to strength, and lavish perfect love on you.

Filed Under: Father's Love, Love, Rest, women Tagged With: , ,

Try Something New

May 4, 2012 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

Have you tried anything new lately? Do you know that trying something new activates your brain in positive ways? Now this doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be something large like learning Russian or bungy jumping off of a bridge. It can be quite simply trying a new kind of food, wearing a different color, planting a new bush, or visiting a place you’ve never seen before.

New things produce creativity in the brain. To me, I find seeking out unfamiliar things brings a sense of awe about the Lord. As I look into new things, He reveals His diversity and unique designs. Seeing a sunset over the wind-tossed ocean, standing at the top of a high rise overlooking a large metropolis, sitting on the floor eating with chopsticks, all of these cause so many questions and feelings to enter into my thoughts. My brain is stimulated – unfamiliar tastes, sights, emotions, perspectives.

God has created so many incredible variables in this world we live in: shades, textures, flavors, seasons, lightings, temperatures, etc. Think about it. Just look at how many types of flowers or fish there are in the world. He could have just made three or four, but no, He was much more creative than that! And we, as human beings, are created in His image. We are the only creature He gave with this ability to think and be creative like this. That’s why we have the Golden Gate Bridge, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre and the Sydney Opera House. Our minds are able to study, to learn, to develop, to create. Our brains are meant to stay active and formulate new ideas, forms, methods and interpretations. This is a skill we can actually practice on a regular basis and helps to keep us emotionally healthy.

So I challenge you to do something different and out of the ordinary this week. Use your imagination. Draw, paint, eat, bike, walk, wear, look, touch, smell, observe, photograph – experience life. Get in the middle of it and live! God has given us new life – abundant life! Let’s get out there and enjoy it fully. Go ahead, try something new. You may be surprised what happens.
(Feel free to post it on our blog!)

Filed Under: Emotional Health, life skills, right brain left brain Tagged With: , , ,

Inclusion and Acceptance

April 27, 2012 By 4 Comments

By Cyndi

Almost every Saturday morning I pass by a fellow who exercises regularly like me. And it seems like to everyone he walks by he says, “How ya feeling this morning? Feeling good? Alright. It’s gonna be a great day.” He’s truly is one of the most positive persons I’ve ever met, even though I haven’t exactly ever “met” him. He carries with him an atmosphere of optimism, of joy and goodness. I don’t know if he’s a believer in Christ, but I suspect he is.

A feeling of acceptance and inclusion is what this man shares – a real living example of Father’s love – and what occurs to me is that the only way he can spread this feeling around is by knowing it himself. I believe we can’t give away something we don’t have.

In order for us to make others feel accepted and included, we must feel that way ourselves. Just like trying to sell a product you don’t believe in, buyers can see right through your pitch and know it’s not good, or else you’d be using it too. This works through the principle of loving your neighbor as you love yourself (Matt.22:39). The foundation is first knowing you are loved and accepted unconditionally by Father God. When we understand this and can love ourselves – having mercy on our own faults, mistakes and failures – we can then, in turn, risk loving others with all their faults and problems.

This is the test. Are we able to risk loving? Are we able to hold our heart open? Are we able to give, knowing that we may be rejected, ignored, made fun of, or even despised in return? Many times our own pain keep us from opening up our hearts – we’ve been hurt before, so what makes us think this time will be any different? This insecurity only goes away when we fully receive His love and deal with our wounding.

Jesus was so secure in His Father’s love that He could endure the ridicule, the humiliation, and the judgement of others, even to the point of never retaliating or defending Himself. He was grounded in love. He always walked in optimism and joy.

So when I pass my Saturday-morning encourager, cheering on and lifting up those around him, this fellow reminds me of Jesus. And I feel happier. I feel included in the human race and accepted to just be me. The atmosphere around me has been charged with kindness and I can’t help but smile. Now it’s my turn to share it. Am I secure enough to give it away?

Filed Under: Encouragement, Father's Love, happiness, Love, self awareness Tagged With: , , ,

Motivation and Control

April 20, 2012 By 8 Comments

Boundaries with Darren

My wife and I used to argue with our son over his chores. We were trying to get him to do what was right. One day I had an idea. When he came home from school I told him, “Darren, Mom and I have been talking and we have decided you do not have to do your chores anymore; you can even skip your homework if you want to.” He was in blissful shock! After a pause I continued, “But you cannot have any privileges such as TV, computer, or spending time with friends either, unless you take care of your responsibilities. We love you and we are not going to pressure you or argue anymore. We’d love for you to have your privileges but they only come with responsibility.”

He tested it and we did not get angry or pressure him or shame him. We did not even close our hearts toward him at all; we were quite friendly and loving. The entire next day, however, he did not have any privileges. After a time or two the battle was over and now it is never a fight to see him take care of his chores and homework.

Gal 5:1, 2 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.

What is Legalism?

Is legalism the judgmental Pharisees of the Bible? Is it the church where women cannot wear makeup? What is its underlying principal?

I believe law is based in man’s efforts and in fear. If I can make a rule about something, then I can take things into my own hands, be in control and create my own “security.” This is all fear motivated. I am afraid God will not be there for me and that is what moves me toward law.

The whole world system and man’s fallen nature pushes us toward law. In the verses above, the Galatians knew truth and freedom but the traditions of a lifetime – fears they might not measure up – and the pressure of peers, all served to push them back toward circumcision.

Once I start moving towards law, things now depend on me; I am afraid I may not measure up and so I feel pressure all the time. What if I cannot meet my own needs? What if I cannot measure up and be acceptable?

Legalism is About Control

If I do not trust someone to do the right thing, I apply some pressure. Rules are applied through tactics of intimidation, anger, shaming and fear. We make statements to our children like, “What’s wrong with you?”  A sales manager states, “Whoever is at the bottom of the sales board at the end of the month will be fired.” A minister preaches, “You are either for God or against Him; if you aren’t giving to evangelism (or the building project, or the mission trip…) you won’t be blessed;” or “Jesus died on the cross for us and we can’t even give Him our best?”

Our identities get tied into these things. Fear that our son or employee or church member might make us look bad, might hinder us from applying rules and being successful, acceptable.

How We Motivate Others

At the moment we accepted Jesus, God could have installed in us a zapper, like those electronic collars for dogs used with the invisible fence. The electrical wire is buried under ground and when the dog with the collar crosses it he gets a “zap!” He very quickly learns where he can and cannot go. God could have done that with us at salvation. We go to spread a little gossip, tell a lie or express some lust and “Zaaap!” If this were the case, I believe the body of Christ would quickly rise to whole new levels of obedience, BUT… would it be outward conformity? Would it simply be obedience based on law and fear?

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, control, Father's Love, Obedience, Spiritual Maturity Tagged With: , , , ,

Weaving Your Life Narrative

April 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Making Sense
There are times when we feel like our lives just don’t make sense. “Why have so many bad things happened to me?” “Will I ever do anything significant with my life?”

When we don’t see clearly how God has woven together the pieces of our lives, it can leave us feeling confused and powerless, without a sense of destiny. When we can see His artistry in the tapestry of our lives we feel whole, grounded, life makes sense; we know where we’ve come from and where we’re going.

Ron was new at college and thought he had befriended a good group of guys. Yet, after a short while they quit talking to him and wouldn’t return his calls. He had no idea what he had done wrong. He could look back to his childhood and see similar experiences. He would just try and help people and they seemed to reject him for it. Ron tries not to think about these things, he’s tired of the pain and futility.

Watching football
If you’ve never allowed God to speak to you about the hurtful events of your life it can seem too big to untangle. It is like someone watching football for the first time, we realize it is good if our team moves the ball but have no appreciation yet of the intricacies of play calling or why certain penalties occur. We have to be patient and give it time.

Joseph
Joseph is a great example of someone allowing God to define his existence. Joseph suffered one of the worst abuses possible – he was a victim of human trafficking by his own family. (I saw this first hand in Thailand as a family sold their daughter into prostitution and bought a new truck with the money.) Joseph allowed God to touch any feelings of rejection, shame, or powerlessness he may have felt. He even allowed God to bring meaning and purpose out of his pain and losses. As Joseph was later raised up into the leadership of Egypt and his brothers stood before him he declared, “You (brothers) meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive” (Gen.50:20).

Learning who we are
I grew up in a broken home with an abusive father and God wove that into sending me around the world working with pastors in countries where almost all of them grew up just like that. Maybe your life doesn’t make sense to you right now; maybe you don’t know who you are. It’s okay. If you will be open to letting God define the events of your life, you will be amazed at the tapestry He weaves.

Filed Under: design, purpose, self awareness, Spiritual Maturity Tagged With: , ,

Living Txt 2 Txt (The SMS Life)

April 7, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Cyndi

Texting is an interesting linguistic form (or SMSing to some of our international readers). It’s a whole new language in itself. So many things R abbreviated b/c the point is 2 type as little & as quik as posibl. That, of course, makes it EZ & fast 2 read & communicate w/o saying 2 much @ 1 time.

In this day and age, we want everything done in seconds; if not, it’s looked down upon negatively. A prime example is a television commercial where a guy comments about new information he just got and two other guys texting look at him and say, “That’s so 17 seconds ago” in a derogatory tone.

So society doesn’t offer us any help when it comes to dealing with our issues. It’s presumed we will just swipe our screen onto the next page in our life just like we do with all our other devices. Or maybe we will create a bookmark for it or put it on our reading list so we can get back to it later. Unfortunately, usually the next time we get back to it is when our spouse is leaving, our teenager is in trouble, or we lose our job. Actually that “page” of our life tends to show up more than we think or want, yet we choose not to look at it. We get triggered by something or someone and the pain, anger, disappointment (or whatever) rises to the surface. What do we do?

The usual response to triggers is the “fight” or “flight” defense mechanism like most of us have learned at some time. But do we ever take the time to really process what’s going on inside our heart? Are we fleeing or fighting? And why? Is it really the situation that’s at hand or is it the fact that it’s the same pain you felt when _______ (you fill in the blank). This is now processing. And there are ways to help facilitate this too. Journaling and prayer ministry are the tools we believe work the best. Some issues can be processed between you and the Lord with prayer and journaling, while others sometimes require another person to help you through.

The fact is we all have issues to deal with; none of us have arrived at perfection yet. Taking the time to wait before the Lord, or to go meet with a counselor is extremely valuable. Don’t be in a hurry. This is a life-time process. R U 2 impatient? R U 2 busy? Take some time and W8 on the Lord. C wats going on inside U. There’s a point where U hav 2 stop living txt 2 txt.

YIC (Yours in Christ) –C

Filed Under: Counseling, Rest, self awareness Tagged With: , ,

Processing the Process

March 29, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Cyndi

Having an argument with your spouse is never fun. Dealing with the challenges in a teenager aren’t always fun either. Being alone  and by yourself all the time has its downsides too. What’s the link between these three? Each one of these circumstances have the potential to bring up issues in our life, and by issues, I’m referring to problems or questions.

But what most of us cannot always see, is that dealing with issues can be a good thing – not always a pleasant occasion, but at least productive. We first have to understand that having an issue is not an issue. Got it? What I mean is that no one is perfect and has it all together. We all have issues. It’s okay! Life isn’t a one-time event. It’s a journey – a process. And learning to process the process is the means by which we move forward.

The process of processing is actually somewhat easy – well, at least to begin with. It’s simply understanding and accepting that we are in process. Each one of us are on a path that God has us on. That path may be created more by our hands than His, but He is still God. He knows what’s going on and is not shaken by any wrong avenue we may have taken. We, on the other hand, sometimes need to step over to the side of the road, stop for a moment and take a look at our journey. Where are we going and where have we been?

As traveling teachers, Robert and I have been to many nations. Theoretically I can say I’ve been to Japan, but I’ve really only been in the Tokyo and Narita airports. I’ve never experienced the country itself. This is similar to living on a path and never taking the time to experience life. We’re just traveling through, going from point A to point B. This is not processing. It’s like going from airport to airport in country after country and saying we’ve visited all these places, but we haven’t. We have to get out of the airport! There’s more to life than a beginning and an end.

Life is a process. Dictionary.com defines process as “a continuous action, operation, or series of changes taking place in a definite manner.” It is definite that there will be changes in life, there will be stages in life, and there will be challenges in life. These are all part of the process. So when changes happen and issues come up, process them. When questionable feelings come up, process them. Accept that your life is a process and you are in process; then you have begun processing the process.

Filed Under: emotional responsibility, Emotions, How to Change, life skills Tagged With: , , ,

Spock Theology

March 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

I awoke early with that empty sensation in my stomach, anxious that I would be left high and dry. I could have simply cast down these feelings and confessed faith, however, they had something to tell me. As I allowed them, faced them, I realized I was concerned about an upcoming speaking engagement. “What if I bomb?” “What if I don’t connect with people?” With all the benefits of understanding deliverance and faith, there can be times of going too far. God is desiring to do something in our hearts, but if we deny the impurity exists every time it arises, growth is not possible. God calls us to be diligent watchmen of the gardens of our hearts. So how do we do this?

God admonishes, “Guard your hearts, for everything you do flows from them” (Proverbs 4:23). Guard means to watch, keep, observe, preserve. In three places within the scriptures, the Hebrew word is translated “watchmen.” How do we keep watch over our hearts? By observing our emotions. Emotions are the gauges of our heart that tell us if there is too much pressure or if it is overheating.

Mr. Spock, the Vulcan character from Star Trek, says emotions are bad. We must master them so they don’t master us. And we have often heard this taught. Certainly if we are about to sin, this is good advice. However, a deeper use is in checking our emotions to understand what is happening in our heart, to watch and guard it. David did this repeatedly in the Psalms as did Jesus in the Gospels.

As I tuned into my emotion of fear that morning and saw that what was behind it was an upcoming speaking engagement, I was able to lift that to the Lord. God reminded me that I have learned well how to present information; I’m not powerless, and I can apply what I’ve learned. Now you try listening to your emotions this week, watching over your heart, and bringing all your concerns to the Lord.

Filed Under: Emotions, Encouragement, life skills, self awareness Tagged With: , ,

Empathy and Connection

March 18, 2012 By 1 Comment

By Robert

The lights are lowered in the big auditorium as the charismatic speaker steps to the podium. He has long known how to connect with people emotionally, morally, and evangelically. The audience feels lifted, inspired, and ready to try again. Unfortunately, all of this can occur without any real “connection” on the level of empathy.

Empathy connecting is not based in what I want from someone, but rather in compassion, to give something to someone. Bill Clinton was a good “connector” yet he clearly struggled in how he treated women. So the question exists, how much did he really value people, how deep did his empathy really run?

A minister was head of many thousands of pastors in his association of ministers and he pastored a very large church. Many people looked to his example and influence, however, he feel into sexual sin and drug use. How did love not constrain him? So many people looked to his example. Where were the people that he surrounded himself with that connected with his heart and he with theirs. Where were the people that knew him well enough to pick up on the tell-tale signs and speak into his life? He was clearly visionary, clearly a “leader,” yet connecting in true empathy appeared to be lacking.

A person with zero empathy is a psychopath. A person with developed empathy can identify with another’s situation, feelings, and motives. They can make another feel felt, that he has allowed them into his heart and truly cares about their well-being. Empathy drives compassion. Without empathy true repentance is impossible. I may be sorry I got caught or for the consequences I’ll face, but not for how my actions hurt the other person.

The good news is that empathy can be learned and developed. We can consider our interactions with others and talk them out with a friend or journal about them asking questions like, “Where were they coming from when they said that? What might be the motive behind why they acted that way?” It’s similar to the familiar adage of “putting yourself in the other’s shoes.” Empathy allows us to connect deeply, giving us more loving and intimate relationships.

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Compassion, Emotions, Skill Sets Tagged With: , ,
« Older Posts