The Anger Exercise

December 30, 2009 By 4 Comments

How to be free of anger

There is a major key in helping find freedom from anger. When it comes to dealing with anger we have been exhorted, admonished, and given techniques like praying daily for the person we are angry with until our heart changes. Dealing with anger can be elusive, we pray and nothing seems to happen. This issue of anger is very common with most clients I work with even though it is often hidden at first. The major key to freedom I have found is that there is usually a reason someone is holding onto anger.  

An Exercise

Think of the person you are mad at and why. Now search your heart considering the idea of fully letting it go. Do you notice anything hesitant in your heart to fully release the anger? What if you did fully let it go, how would that make you feel? Do not give the standard Christian answer from your mind, but look to your heart and see how it feels. We feel what we believe.

Most of the time the belief for holding the anger will be something like, “I’ll be unprotected if I let it go; it will happen again,” or “nothing will change,” or “they’ll just get away with it.”

Do not try to deny that feeling; simply acknowledge if that feels true in your heart. Then lift that belief up to God and listen. “Father, it feels like this anger is the only thing I have to protect me. God would You speak to me about that?” If you get down to how you really feel and what you really believe by embracing honesty, humility, and childlike meekness, acknowledging the truth- you will hear God speak. Once the hindrances are out of the way it becomes relatively easy to pray a prayer to release the anger and forgive the person who hurt you. I have done this with many prayer ministry clients and see close to a 100% success rate with this approach. Give it a try, or call me.

Filed Under: Counseling Tagged With: ,

Control and Release

December 5, 2009 By 2 Comments

By Robert

Addiction
Samuel had an addictive relationship with exhibitionism. Since adolescence, he episodically and secretly caught women by surprise and exposed himself to them.

Denial
In his state of denial, Samuel had regarded each one of the hundreds of occurrences as an isolated loss of control.

Shame and Control
After each event, Samuel felt extremely shameful and self-hating and promised himself that he would never again engage in this behavior.

Samuel became a clergyman in hopes that a religious life would provide the control he consciously willed. In retrospect, the piety and intensified control in his life only seemed to make the secret release, when it came, that much more exciting and compelling.

Control and Release Cycle
The shame and fear he felt after each episode further intensified his fervor in controlling all aspects of his experience. Overtly he threw himself into working harder, longer hours, demanding more of himself and his colleagues, and being more critical of his wife and children. He lived with tension between the control that he consciously willed, and the release from it, which he found in his addiction.

Filed Under: Counseling, Prayer Ministry, Theophostic Tagged With: ,

The Age of the Disordered Will

November 20, 2009 By Leave a Comment

“This has been called the “Age of Anxiety.” Considering the attention given the subject by psychology, theology, literature, and the pharmaceutical industry, not to mention the testimony from our own lives, we could fairly well conclude that there is more anxiety today, and, moreover, that there is definitely more anxiety about anxiety now than there has been in previous epochs of history.

Nevertheless, I would hesitate to characterize this as an “Age of Anxiety,” just as I would be loathe to call this an “Age of Affluence,” “Coronary Disease,” “Mental Health,” “Dieting,” “Conformity,” or “Sexual Freedom.” My reason being, that none of these labels, whatever fact or truth they may involve, goes to the heart of the matter.

Much as I dislike this game of labels, my preference would be to call this the “Age of the Disordered Will.” It takes only a glance to see a few of the myriad varieties of willing what cannot be willed that enslave us: we will to sleep, will to read fast, will to have simultaneous orgasm, will to be creative and spontaneous, will to enjoy our old age, and, most urgently, will to will.

If anxiety is more prominent in our time, such anxiety is the product of our particular modern disability of the will. To this disability, rather than to anxiety, I would attribute the ever-increasing dependence on drugs affecting all level of our society. While drugs do offer relief from anxiety, their more important task is to offer the illusion of healing the split between the will and its refractory object. The resulting feeling of wholeness may not be a responsible one, but at least within that wholeness–no matter how willful the drugged state may appear to an outsider–there seems to be, briefly and subjectively, a responsible and vigorous will. This is the reason, I believe, that the addictive possibilities of our age are so enormous.” (1976, p.32)

Farber, L.H. (1976), Lying, despair, jealousy, envy, sex, suicide, drugs, and the good life. New York: Harper & Row.

Filed Under: Counseling Tagged With: , , , ,

Theophostic Prayer Ministry Testimony

September 10, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Steve’s Theophostic Testimony

I became frustrated with myself because of a habit I’ve had for almost 50 years: picking at my cuticles and the skin around my finger nails. I’ve done this in my car, in church, at work, in meetings, and just about everywhere I go. By the end of the day there would be a pile of dead skin. It would upset and embarrass me but I couldn’t stop. I had prayed for years that God would help me quit the picking. I knew He would, but it hadn’t happened yet. It became almost unbearable if I thought about not picking at my fingers.

I felt I would be out of control of my own body if I didn’t pick.

Robert Hartzell did some Theophostic ministry with me about this. The first thing that popped into my head was a memory involving the first time my step-uncle had molested me almost 50 years ago. All I could feel was anger. It was based on the realization that this was the first time I had been introduced to pornography and the thoughts of the struggle I had with it for many years as a direct result. I saw myself taking a hammer to his head and bashing it in. I’ve never been a violent person and this was a new experience for me.

I had never had any emotion surface about the times he had molested me. I had reasoned that it had never been as bad as it could have been, and during those times I always felt like I would just rather have been someplace else. In the session with Robert, God led me to forgiveness for my step-uncle and spoke His truth to lies I had believed as a result of this experience.

Finally, I dealt with a fear that the next day I would go right back to picking again regardless of the Theophostic ministry I had received. I felt God say to me in response, “I’ll be responsible for that.” I felt total peace about myself in the memory. The memory was still there, what happened, happened. It couldn’t be changed. However, I was no longer angry or frustrated with myself for not taking control of my own body. I now knew that this habit was within my control now and I could choose not to pick at my fingers.

It has now been more than a week later. I have driven my car to work and back every day, sat in church, and been in meetings. I have not felt the compulsion to pick at my fingers, not once! God has finally delivered me from this habit. Praise God.

Steve

Filed Under: Counseling, Prayer Ministry, Theophostic Tagged With: , , ,

Theophostic: How to Be Free

August 2, 2009 By 2 Comments

Prayer ministry, when used properly, is the most incredible tool I know of for people to find freedom.

So what exactly is Prayer Ministry? Quite simply, it is prayer. It is honestly looking at and facing the pain in our life, then asking God to speak to it. We, as prayer ministers, do not seek to give advice, diagnose, provide insight, or give direction.

So often, Christian counselors inadvertently move people toward victim thinking in seeking to solve their problems for them, or even get a word of the Lord for them. Of course, people are happy for you to solve their problems for them if you let them, but this brings little lasting fruit and may lead to ego on the part of the minister. Any form of ministry that places me, the minister, as a person’s “source” is moving toward dangerous ground. People are really quite capable of hearing from the Lord themselves with a little support.

Prayer ministry should encourage people to discovery. A prayer minister should not take on the responsibility at any level to resolve a person’s problems, issues or pain in life, but should encourage people to own their own emotional pain, take responsibility for their own thinking, not blame other people or circumstances for their emotional reactions and move forward toward God’s resolution.

When people are willing to take ownership, I see them get free every time. When a person chooses to face their pain, God always shows up.

Filed Under: Counseling, How to Change, Prayer Ministry, Theophostic Tagged With:

Empathy

July 22, 2009 By 1 Comment

1 Tim 4:2-speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron.

The subject of conscience and empathy is quite fascinating. On the far bad end of the scale you have the sociopath, who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. Their chief characteristic is a lack of empathy because they cannot feel another’s pain. From this far end is a broad middle, where most of us have a conscience functioning at some level. What is fascinating is the role our conscience can play in keeping us from sin and moving us toward intimacy with the Lord when functioning well at the good end. John Sanford describes this well:

“There are two kinds of conscience. There is an active conscience which causes remorse after the sin. It operates by the law. It seldom if ever works powerfully enough before the event to prevent it. It reminds us that we have failed the Lord and ourselves, but seldom if ever makes us aware of our brother’s hurt. It makes us aware only that we failed to be what we set out to be. It seldom moves us to real repentance. Repentance happens when we are hurt for the sake of the Lord and others. Remorse remains self-centered and is seen in terms of our own failure to perform.”

Then there is a healthy conscience that leads to real repentance which “is a result of the gift of love. If I love someone, and my spirit is awake and alert, it checks me before I do a potentially harmful deed. Love constrains me because I cannot stand to hurt the one I love.” (P.122, Healing the Wounded Spirit, Sanford)

Filed Under: Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, John Sanford, Prayer Ministry

Theophostic Brings Maintenance Free Victory

July 11, 2009 By 7 Comments

It has become ever clearer to me that there is a reason for everything. Every fear I battle, that shameful or hurtful event that plays repeatedly in my mind or I avoid like the plague, the compulsive behaviors I struggle with, even of anger I cannot seem to let go. There is a root somewhere; something I have not forgiven, some lie I have believed contrary to God’s word. Many times as I begin a ministry session with someone, I hear statements like:

“I don’t think about negative things, I confess good things.” “I’m a new creature in Christ Jesus, old things are passed away.”

Is this walking in victory - no matter how many times the negative thoughts come I am able to cast them down? Is it a matter of building my willpower to the point of never resorting to depression or anger or giving in to ice cream?

How can I know if I have overcome in a particular area? What is the fruit of true healing?

There is a concept of maintenance free victory, a victory wherein we do not have to use constant willpower. This is a place of not having to rebuke the devil constantly, nor of casting down thoughts and imaginations continuously. We are free. If a negative thought does arise we can easily cast it aside and that is the end of it, there is no continual battle. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes this well:

“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality – safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky, nor are we afraid. That is our experience.” p.84

What many people call healing is actually denial.

We hide from our strongholds with defense mechanisms, fearing to give up the only control we know to try to feel safe and get our needs met.

The huge trap of the enemy is to either keep us in denial or get us to face things in our own strength, which leads to failure, frustration, and giving up. The secret to freedom is to discover the lie that hinders us from trusting God. Then it is easy – we will not need denial anymore. We can have victory without white knuckle Christianity!

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, Counseling, Elijah House, Father's Love, How to Change, Jack Frost, Prayer Ministry, Theophostic Tagged With:

What Hinders?

July 5, 2009 By 3 Comments

Joey lived in my neighborhood and we rode the school bus together each day. He was not a particularly shy kid yet he was continually picked on. One day, as we got off the bus several kids were spitting on him and laughing. I could not be that mean and actually felt sorry for him, but I did not want to get involved. So I said and did nothing.

I never forgot that event. How must it feel to be picked on like that throughout your childhood? I can only imagine the feelings of shame and rejection Joey felt. Even the boys who committed the cruelty had to have experienced some shame and hardness of heart. These things do not typically just go away. They can create pockets of un-forgiveness that we are only slightly aware of many years later and yet they affect us. Events like this can also move us to embrace lies like we are inadequate or helpless.

Many of us have received treatment like this, have given it, or at least witnessed it. I ministered to one man whose mother had left and was being raised by his father. One time he overheard his dad on the phone say, “I hope one day I’ll have a son, because this one I have is good for nothing.”

Sometimes when we think of past events like this we have that slight cringing feeling or a tight fist in our chest. That might indicate it is unresolved. God can bring us to the place where we can think about any past event with total peace, compassion for the ones who were hurtful and even a sense of God’s presence in place of the cringing because He has brought healing. Here are some steps to consider.

Three requirements for healing:

1)   You must hurt enough that you have no choice but to change.

2)   You must learn enough that you have hope for change.

3)   You must receive enough unconditional love that you are motivated towards change.

Filed Under: Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Jack Frost, Theophostic Tagged With:

Do the Legal Work

June 28, 2009 By Leave a Comment

“No one respects me; people are always trying to take advantage of me.” This person battled negative thinking and bouts of depression. The immediate answer was obvious: “hold your boundaries with people”. Yet, if it were that easy, she would not have been coming for ministry. She was reaping from seeds of judgment she had sown; there was legal ground for the enemy to operate that kept things in a flux. Think of a computer that gets too many programs constantly running in the background, and a few viruses. It starts to run slow and crashes often. There are internal conflicts.

When the Bible talks about the consequences of not forgiving, it is real, a principle as real as that of gravity. We cannot have peace, joy, or rest when we are walking around with unresolved issues, violating the law of judgment. This lady struggled with depression. Depression always involves negative thinking; it has to do with too many internal conflicts. Having depression or being Bi-Polar certainly can include a chemical imbalance, but to make medication the only answer is woefully inadequate. Negative thinking comes from judgments we have made and lies we have believed about our self worth.

The woman I was ministering to had a lot of conflict in relation to her mother and even wished when she was younger her parents would have divorced. Her mother was controlling and often crossed her boundaries. The principle of fruit and root says that there is a reason for everything. Once we discovered why she was holding on to the anger, she was able to let it go. Suddenly God’s love flooded her heart with compassion and she started saying, “I love you Mom! I love you Mom!”  By doing the legal work, she suddenly had an understanding of the brokenness her mom had been living with. Not only did she feel compassion, joy, and peace, the negative thoughts and feelings of depression left as well.

Feelings of depression do not always clear up this easily; sometimes it takes a number of sessions to clean up all the “viruses” that may be slowing us down. However, when we are faithful to do the legal work, we always find freedom.

Filed Under: Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Jack Frost, Prayer Ministry, Theophostic Tagged With:

Codependent Control

June 8, 2009 By 4 Comments

God has called all of us to walk in authority and dominion. The trap of the enemy is to get us focused on other people rather on the destiny God has for us. “Judy grew up in a household with a father who got drunk every weekend, and her whole family had been organized around trying to keep father on an even keel.” (Facing Shame) This really tends toward victim thinking and the idea that our destinies are tied up into the response of others.

I also grew up in an alcoholic home. We all felt we had to walk around on eggshells. What I did not see for a long time is that tiptoeing around is a form of control; it’s trying to control another person’s mood. The alcoholic is sometimes of the pathetic variety, but more often than not, he is abusive. He controls through fear, threat, and intimidation. When you grow up in an environment of fear, trying to keep an abuser happy, it is hard to be free of the idea that the world is a scary place and if you are not careful, someone will get mad at you.

Anybody I feel I have to be careful around is a person seeking to push me into a shame pattern. If we embrace walking on tiptoes, we have abdicated our authority and entered a cycle of shame-them trying to control us, and us trying to control them.  The person that tries to control others through moodiness or sharp comments or anger needs boundaries not appeasement. It is hard to come into the health and destiny God has for us when our focus is on another person instead of on God. I believe this is part of learning how to walk in our authority and walk free from the fear of man.

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Prayer Ministry
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