Rules of Shame

June 7, 2009 By 1 Comment

What keeps us from growth in life? What fuels a fear of failure that keeps us locked into defeat for years and years? There is an old saying, “If you keep doing what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.” Shame is a major force in keeping us from ever trying anything new, from taking steps that can lead to our healing, maturing, and destinies.

Families that operate according to a shame interaction maintain the system according to a set of rules. One of the rules is perfectionism. My dad wanted me to play football and put me on Pop Warner teams as a kid. I did not like it much because I was not that good of a player. The reason I was not that good was because my dad never practiced with me. There was one time, I remember, we went in the yard to play catch. He told me to go out “longer… go longer.” He threw the ball so far and hard I had no chance to catch it. Dad then gave me that look, you know the one that says, “What’s the matter with you; every kid knows how to catch a football.”

My dad did not have the ability to meet me where I was at in my skill level and work with me to grow. You either did it right the first time or you were unacceptable. His dad had treated him the same way. These are shame-inducing behaviors. They serve to put people into a cycle of shame. They communicate that it is not okay to make a mistake and people that do are to be mocked or demeaned. It puts a fear of failure into us. It communicates to us that it is not okay to go through a learning process, to fall down, get back up, progress a little further and make another mistake until you master a given thing.

These rules of shame can be difficult to overcome and can keep people locked into patterns where very little growth takes place. I believe this is one key reason why people have trouble progressing in their walks with the Lord. A pattern of shame keeps them rarely learning or trying anything new.

The first step in finding freedom is to begin to recognize these patterns. We do this through studying these concepts and then waiting on the Lord in prayer for Him to show us where they occur in our own lives. Another step might be to go for counseling. Finding our acceptance in Father’s love sets us free in so many ways. His love is the path to both freedom and walking in dominion. If fear were not an issue, what could you accomplish?

Filed Under: Counseling, Father's Love, Shame

How to Receive from the Father

May 30, 2009 By 2 Comments

“Robert, you have a wrong theology of receiving.” As soon as I heard that, I sensed that there was something to it. It took me some time to unpack that. What errors might there be about my understanding of how I receive what I need in life? I discovered two main ways I needed to adjust my thinking-ways I thought like a victim. One had to do with who my source was and the other had to do with who was in control. Learning how to receive properly from the Father is a huge key to our future!

I have found it a slippery thing to have expectations toward man. I have realized that any time I am angry that someone did not meet my needs, or if I am resentful, feeling like things are unfair, I am looking to man instead of God. Whenever I seek to pressure or manipulate others, I am looking to man. James clearly says, “Every good gift is from above, and comes down from the Father” (Ja.1:17). Every gift, all of them, is from Father. God often uses human means as His conduit to bless us, but He is still our source.

I have been on a lifetime journey of learning to look only to God for my needs and to allow God to determine how He wants to meet them and in what order. At age 21, I felt a call to ministry and had already read about some of the great men of faith: Reese Howells, Smith Wigglesworth, Praying Hyde. I knew that was my path, to be a mighty revivalist. However, ministry did not happen right away for me and, as it did happen, it was nowhere even close to unfolding as I had imagined. I ended up pasturing a church of poor subsistence farmers and their families on the mission field. I felt it was far away from the tangible anointing Reese and Smith seemed to have had, and not even on the level of a respectable American church.

One day I had a thought: “These third-world people are every bit as precious to God as anyone, anywhere, in any church. I would just as soon be here as anywhere.” Something happened that day. I quit trying to tell God what He needed to do for me and acknowledged that He gives me all the things I need for life and godliness (2 Pet.1:3). I also quit trying to determine when He should give me what I need, acknowledging He has the master plan and He alone knows the timing.

I developed an incredible love for those people that continues to this day. Moreover, little did I know, it was preparing me to minister cross-culturally all around the world. God really did have a sequence for my life that was perfect. God has a dynamic plan for all of us. As long as we are disappointed in man for not meeting our need or we are disappointed in God for not giving us what we think He should or when we think He should, we will be hindered. Acknowledging He has given us everything we need and going to Him over and over to unpack things according to His plan and timing leads to a life full of adventure and fulfillment.

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change

Respect-Based Families Vs Shame-Bound Families

May 24, 2009 By 2 Comments

“Wow, a dirt bike track!” The year was 1978 and we had just moved to Sparks, Nevada. I had never seen a BMX track. I took off down the hills and around the curves enjoying the thrill. As I came around one curve, out of nowhere, a group of bicycles racing forced me off the track, causing me to crash over the side of the berm. I was so mad I started cursing those guys out. They came back and starting fighting me. I got beat up bad-swollen lip, black eye. It was a shaming experience and I felt rejected and alone. But worse than the fight was the idea of having to go home and face my dad. The pain I carried was not just from this isolated event, but from a whole system of family life that I lived in. Two key dynamics operate in family systems and effect how we mature: acceptance and vulnerability.

Acceptance versus Judgment

There is no acceptance in the shame system, rather everything is “weighed in the balance” and usually you are “found wanting”. Therefore, there is no flexibility and no room for error. You are either right or wrong. These families do not consider life events on their own merits; rather they judge the person as right or wrong. So secrecy becomes huge. I tried waiting a long time before going home that day. I wanted to see if the swelling would go down and maybe Dad would not notice. Facing my dad’s disappointment and anger only added to the sense of shame I already felt. I could not have put it into words back in those days, but something in me knew it was not okay to have lost a fight. It was not okay to have weakness of any kind; I was either right, or I was out. There was neither comfort nor help to overcome, only judgment and more shame.

Vulnerability

In a respect-based family, the pain would have been just as bad from the fight but I would not have feared going home. I would not have felt “on the outside” with my own family. I would have known Dad would have been on my side. I could have expressed my feelings of indignation to a listening ear that would not ‘weigh me in the balance’ but would have shown comfort and empathy. Merle Fossum says, “People in respect-based families talk openly with one another about their lives rather than manage their relationships with secrets. They are openly vulnerable and dependent or needy at times without judgment.”   

Intimacy with Man and God

In my struggle that day, intimacy and personal development could have grown. I could have learned that I will receive comfort in my weakness, that it is okay to fail, and okay not to be perfect. I could have grown in empathy and ability to live in community. Instead, my pain was denied and judged, which taught me to isolate and have unrealistic standards of perfectionism-only perfect people that can defeat a whole gang of kids are accepted.   

Shame does not just disappear on its own. If we cannot show vulnerability and weakness to people and still feel okay about ourselves, we will not have a capacity for that kind of intimacy with others or even God. This is why people put on masks and try to appear successful or hyper-spiritual. It has been prophesied for years that there will be an end-time people that know their God, walk in radical intimacy and do exploits (Daniel 11:32). I do not believe it will happen by accident. It will happen as we learn principles from the Bible and apply them.

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Prayer Ministry

From Shame to Acceptance

May 15, 2009 By 4 Comments

The Insidiousness of Shame

Understanding shame is a huge key to freedom. Shame is a force, meaning it does not just strike once, but can be a continuing factor in our lives with its delegitimizing effect. Shame can operate in many hidden ways to wreak its havoc in our lives. Gershen Kaufman says, “Shame can be the source of depression, alienation, self-doubt, isolation, loneliness, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, and a deep sense of inferiority, inadequacy and failure.” What is the power of shame and how can we be free of it?

A False Self

Shame attacks our identity and makes us feel defective.

“Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing… it is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, one needs a false self which is not defective and flawed,” John Bradshaw.

 We end up living for an image, for example, trying to appear successful in order to keep shame off our doorstep. Many try to “keep up with the Jones’” in hot pursuit of the American Dream. Some will try to appear spiritual, like the Pharisees, (that was me!). Most teenagers live their lives trying to be “cool”. It can even be an image of “poor me” by running to fear and rejection all the time, perpetually blaming others for problems so that they themselves never have to take responsibility. Living for these images is basic idolatry. However, preaching at someone to repent for his or her idol worship probably is not going to help him move to freedom.

Freedom from Addiction

Many say that overeating is all about controlling anxiety. Anxiety is actually the basis for most addictions. Here is how it works. My boundaries are crossed-people have related to me, or I have related to myself in a way that is demeaning rather than respectful. Demeaning shame can happen in three key ways: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

  • My physical boundaries are crossed, as in physical or sexual abuse.
  • I am violated emotionally, my feelings do not count.
  • Mental boundaries are not respected; my opinions and thoughts are not valued.

When our boundaries are crossed, we feel the pressure from shame to stay in control. We are trying to keep up the image so we can somehow feel okay about ourselves. The pressure comes in the form of fear and anxiety and fuels the need for relief in some form. The more pressure I feel to have to “keep it together,” the more often I need a release in the form of some type of compulsive behavior.

Acceptance is the Key

If we can identify these patterns in our lives and bring their sources to the cross, we can then find our acceptance solely in our Heavenly Father. This enables us to begin relating to others and ourselves in accepting and valuing ways.

If you identify with any of these issues of shame or addictions, and would like some help to find freedom, Fountains of Life ministries is available to serve you. Please feel free to call our office.

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Prayer Ministry

How to be Free of Almost Anything

April 30, 2009 By 2 Comments

How to be Free of Almost Anything or Have You Got Shame?

Family Systems

Understanding shame is an absolutely huge key to freedom. In psychology, there is a concept called Family Systems. It is simply a consideration of a family’s patterns or “systems” of interaction with one another. For example, most of us would be familiar with the idea that in an alcoholic family everyone gets sick, not just the one drinking. But there are two core ways family members interact with one another: 1) on a foundation of respect, or 2) on a foundation of shame. The reality is that the majority of families have some mixture of both. What does this have to do with walking in freedom? Everything!  (Please see psychology footnote)

Respect vs. Shame

A respect base, in a nutshell, has to do with valuing one another’s opinions, rights, or personhood. Problems and conflicts do not result in attacking the other’s identity. Disagreements are talked out and resolution is found. A shame base mixes behavior and identity. It communicates insult-the person not only did wrong, but they are wrong! People communicate this in a thousand different ways. A key concept behind shame is that it treats a person as an object, disregarding their feelings, their personhood. Just as pornography treats a woman as an object, so relationship “cutoffs” (an expression of shame) treats any person as an object. Most families have some level of shaming interaction. Shame-based interaction supports and maintains all addictive and compulsive behavior, including drug, alcohol, and sex addiction, as well as struggles with overeating, overspending and even emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Intimacy

A relationship “cutoff” is when in any way my words or attitudes demean another, or any time I give someone the silent treatment. This communicates shame to the one receiving it. These little foxes are not so little. They do not just cut off general relationship, they cut off intimacy. The problem is that God created us for intimacy, and if we do not find it in legitimate ways, we will find it in illegitimate ways. This is why shame brings anxiety and loneliness, and drives us to fill that void with “something” (drugs, sex, food, money, control).

Learning to recognize shame does not solve all our problems but it does reveal to us where the problems lie. If we can see that we can see how to pray over it and get free.

Footnote

Psychology – “Psych” means soul and “ology” means the study of. Just as with biology or geology or any other science, things can be learned through observation and testing. This in no way implies that we can bypass the cross and blood of Jesus for any real help anyone can receive. However, the insights can be very useful in helping us understand how to apply the cross and the blood. Nowhere does the Bible claim to be an exhaustive study of man’s behavior. Just because the Bible does not explicitly spell out the concept of family systems does not mean we cannot glean some insight from the concept. The Bible also does not spell out the laws governing aerodynamics or the combustion engine either, but none of us contemplates ceasing to drive or fly. To hit a little closer to home, there is nowhere in the Bible where anyone ever prayed a sinner’s prayer.

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling, Theophostic Tagged With:

Lies of Shame

February 8, 2009 By 1 Comment

By Robert

There are 122 references for ashamed in the Bible. I can remember a time when a neighborhood kid chose another boy as a friend over me. Then there was a time some adults applauded one kid riding his dirt bike while waving me off. I felt ashamed. I came to believe something was wrong with me.

            Guilt is the feeling of regret over violating a personal value. Shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person. Shame is a matter of identity, not a behavioral infraction. It is a feeling of being diminished or insufficient as a person, of being depersonalized-just an object to be used and discarded. Abusive treatment from others can cause this. Being punished rather than disciplined, being told we are stupid or will never amount to anything are all examples of how shame comes into our lives.

            I have recently seen some new ways I had yet to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. In one instance, I realized I had believed I was not worthy of better treatment. It was a lie I had believed about who I was. As I acknowledged my pain, God spoke healing there. He told me I was more precious than silver and gold! This rhema word brought a whole new sense of peace in some areas of struggle in my life, and I know this is something God wants to do for all of us.

Filed Under: Counseling

True Love Sets Us Free

January 25, 2009 By Leave a Comment

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. (Author unknown)

No one has ever walked this out in a greater way than God. Jesus gives us a great example of Father’s love setting us free in the story of the prodigal (Luke 15). Deut.21:20, 21 says that this rebellious son should have been stoned, and yet Jesus shares how the father in this story actually accommodates his request for his inheritance.

Some people may have heard of the Invisible Fence for dogs. It is an electrical wire buried just under the grass on the perimeters of your yard. The dog then has a sensor on his collar that gives him a shock if he crosses the wire. Now when we get saved, we are committing our lives to the Lordship of Christ. At that prayer, He could have put some kind of shock system on the inside of us so that whenever we would go to spread a little gossip, tell a lie, or even cheat on our diet, we would get a shock. The Body of Christ, I believe, would very quickly become obedient! But it would only be an outward conformity. God is after our hearts. He wants us to choose to obey Him out of love, not duty. He has gone to incredible lengths to have a people who would do this in a radical way!

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, Christianity, Counseling

Everyone Longs for a Father

April 18, 2008 By Leave a Comment

 Everyone Longs for a Father

The heart can grow cold. For a long time I had convinced myself that I never had a father available for me and that I certainly did not need one now. I grew up in a home where my dad was often gone drinking and when he was home he was abusive. In my mid twenties he went to prison where he remains to this day. I thought I had learned to live just fine without a father in my life, but did I really?

I recently saw the movie August Rush. It starts with children in an orphanage dreaming of the day their parents or some family would come and take them. I was tearing up right away, they just wanted a family! Think of the dreams they must have had, a dad to play ball with, mom waiting with homemade cookies as they came home from school, someone to tuck them in at night.

It so happened that right after that I saw the Indian movie Salaam Bombay. It was about the street children in India. A village boy’s father died. His older brother dominated him and was mean, making him do lots of work around the house. One day, in retaliation, the boy broke his older brother’s bicycle. The mother sided with the older brother and made the boy leave until he had the money to buy another bicycle. Can you imagine a mother so numb, so existence-only oriented, that she would kick out her son to the streets so as not to annoy the older brother who was the only bread winner for this poor village family? He ended up on the streets of Mumbai. These kids are the outcasts of society, everyone harasses them and nobody cares for them. (In Brazil street children are actually often murdered by the police.) At one point he had just escaped from the police, his one friend died from drug withdrawals, he could not go home and he had no one. He just broke down and cried.  

Even when we did have a relationship with our parents;

  • if they were not safe, if we had to put up walls of protection to fight off being controlled or shamed,
  • if we could not freely share our problems without being blasted with advice or made to feel condemned,
  • if love was not expressed,

we can still end up feeling abandoned at some level.

We know about Jesus as our Savior and Propitiator. We have learned much about the Holy Spirit and His gifts. Have we, however, learned to relate to our Heavenly Father?

Hebrews 12:7-9 If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live?

If we can receive and endure discipline then God is dealing with us as sons. This is how God wants to relate to us so we can grow and mature and fulfill the destiny that He has for each of us.

However, it then says, that if we do not receive discipline we become as illegitimate sons (no counsel, no inheritance and blessing from a father).

Finally, if we are in subjection, we live! Life flows through us, what we put our hand to prospers, and God’s favor goes before us!

Filed Under: Counseling, Father's Love Tagged With: , ,
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