God’s Mothering Heart

May 10, 2012 By 5 Comments

By Cyndi

Many exhortations we hear within the church are things we should be doing. Things like evangelizing, teaching, praying, serving, giving, studying and so on. Good things, I agree. The Bible does encourage us to do these things, but have we ever stopped to think about the fact that this is a masculine viewpoint of the Gospel? God created the masculine to go, to create, to conquer, to build, to produce. And often this is the side we see revealed in our churches. That’s great, but where’s the feminine side?

Simplified, the masculine is to do; the feminine is to be. A father speaks vision and destiny to a child. He reveals all the possibilities of what can be done, what can be accomplished. A mother expresses love and nurture to a child. She exhibits compassion, trust and connection. Picture this: a father and mother are watching their four-year-old son play soccer. He’s so cute out there running around in his bright uniform and shin guards on. The father yells, “Get the ball! Go to the goal! Shoot!” The little guy runs hard, dribbles as best he can towards the net and shoots. Just as he kicked the ball, an opposing team member tried to kick it too but missed and landed his cleat squarely on the knee of the little fellow. The ball makes it into the net, but the son is on the ground holding his hurt knee. Now what are the reactions from the parents in this event? From the father: “GOAL! Yes! My son made a goal! Look at him, he’s the greatest! Think he’s good now? Just wait till he’s ten!” And from the mother: “Oh honey, are you okay? (wanting to run out onto the field and check for herself) Can you get up? Are you bleeding? Do you need a band-aid?” Notice the difference in the two. This type of “mothering” is an expression of God’s heart.

And think about it: How can we truly carry out the Great Commision (“go ye into all the world”) if we first cannot obey the Great Commandment (“thou shalt love the Lord God with all your heart…”)? Love is always first. Before we go, we need to know love. We need to be “mothered” by God, nurtured in His care and secure in His affections towards us. Knowing His immeasurable grace gives us the base to stay in a place of rest and peace as we go into the world to do His works and share His love to others.

God’s mothering heart is open to us all. John, the beloved disciple, recognized this side of the Lord when he rested on Jesus’ chest at supper (John 21:20). It’s the place we find refuge, safety, security, compassion and peace. Just like a mother, He’s there to hold us when we’re scared, kiss our boo-boos, and walk hand in hand with us through all of life’s challenges. I pray that you will take time to rest in the arms of our Beloved. Stop “doing” for a little while and just “be.” When the world tries to beat you down and you don’t feel like you will ever make a goal or be a success, God has a mothering heart that wants to nurture you back to strength, and lavish perfect love on you.

Filed Under: Father's Love, Love, Rest, women Tagged With: , ,

Inclusion and Acceptance

April 27, 2012 By 4 Comments

By Cyndi

Almost every Saturday morning I pass by a fellow who exercises regularly like me. And it seems like to everyone he walks by he says, “How ya feeling this morning? Feeling good? Alright. It’s gonna be a great day.” He’s truly is one of the most positive persons I’ve ever met, even though I haven’t exactly ever “met” him. He carries with him an atmosphere of optimism, of joy and goodness. I don’t know if he’s a believer in Christ, but I suspect he is.

A feeling of acceptance and inclusion is what this man shares – a real living example of Father’s love – and what occurs to me is that the only way he can spread this feeling around is by knowing it himself. I believe we can’t give away something we don’t have.

In order for us to make others feel accepted and included, we must feel that way ourselves. Just like trying to sell a product you don’t believe in, buyers can see right through your pitch and know it’s not good, or else you’d be using it too. This works through the principle of loving your neighbor as you love yourself (Matt.22:39). The foundation is first knowing you are loved and accepted unconditionally by Father God. When we understand this and can love ourselves – having mercy on our own faults, mistakes and failures – we can then, in turn, risk loving others with all their faults and problems.

This is the test. Are we able to risk loving? Are we able to hold our heart open? Are we able to give, knowing that we may be rejected, ignored, made fun of, or even despised in return? Many times our own pain keep us from opening up our hearts – we’ve been hurt before, so what makes us think this time will be any different? This insecurity only goes away when we fully receive His love and deal with our wounding.

Jesus was so secure in His Father’s love that He could endure the ridicule, the humiliation, and the judgement of others, even to the point of never retaliating or defending Himself. He was grounded in love. He always walked in optimism and joy.

So when I pass my Saturday-morning encourager, cheering on and lifting up those around him, this fellow reminds me of Jesus. And I feel happier. I feel included in the human race and accepted to just be me. The atmosphere around me has been charged with kindness and I can’t help but smile. Now it’s my turn to share it. Am I secure enough to give it away?

Filed Under: Encouragement, Father's Love, happiness, Love, self awareness Tagged With: , , ,

Motivation and Control

April 20, 2012 By 8 Comments

Boundaries with Darren

My wife and I used to argue with our son over his chores. We were trying to get him to do what was right. One day I had an idea. When he came home from school I told him, “Darren, Mom and I have been talking and we have decided you do not have to do your chores anymore; you can even skip your homework if you want to.” He was in blissful shock! After a pause I continued, “But you cannot have any privileges such as TV, computer, or spending time with friends either, unless you take care of your responsibilities. We love you and we are not going to pressure you or argue anymore. We’d love for you to have your privileges but they only come with responsibility.”

He tested it and we did not get angry or pressure him or shame him. We did not even close our hearts toward him at all; we were quite friendly and loving. The entire next day, however, he did not have any privileges. After a time or two the battle was over and now it is never a fight to see him take care of his chores and homework.

Gal 5:1, 2 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.

What is Legalism?

Is legalism the judgmental Pharisees of the Bible? Is it the church where women cannot wear makeup? What is its underlying principal?

I believe law is based in man’s efforts and in fear. If I can make a rule about something, then I can take things into my own hands, be in control and create my own “security.” This is all fear motivated. I am afraid God will not be there for me and that is what moves me toward law.

The whole world system and man’s fallen nature pushes us toward law. In the verses above, the Galatians knew truth and freedom but the traditions of a lifetime – fears they might not measure up – and the pressure of peers, all served to push them back toward circumcision.

Once I start moving towards law, things now depend on me; I am afraid I may not measure up and so I feel pressure all the time. What if I cannot meet my own needs? What if I cannot measure up and be acceptable?

Legalism is About Control

If I do not trust someone to do the right thing, I apply some pressure. Rules are applied through tactics of intimidation, anger, shaming and fear. We make statements to our children like, “What’s wrong with you?”  A sales manager states, “Whoever is at the bottom of the sales board at the end of the month will be fired.” A minister preaches, “You are either for God or against Him; if you aren’t giving to evangelism (or the building project, or the mission trip…) you won’t be blessed;” or “Jesus died on the cross for us and we can’t even give Him our best?”

Our identities get tied into these things. Fear that our son or employee or church member might make us look bad, might hinder us from applying rules and being successful, acceptable.

How We Motivate Others

At the moment we accepted Jesus, God could have installed in us a zapper, like those electronic collars for dogs used with the invisible fence. The electrical wire is buried under ground and when the dog with the collar crosses it he gets a “zap!” He very quickly learns where he can and cannot go. God could have done that with us at salvation. We go to spread a little gossip, tell a lie or express some lust and “Zaaap!” If this were the case, I believe the body of Christ would quickly rise to whole new levels of obedience, BUT… would it be outward conformity? Would it simply be obedience based on law and fear?

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, control, Father's Love, Obedience, Spiritual Maturity Tagged With: , , , ,

Are You Fathered?

February 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Picture two nine year old boys staring out the window of an orphanage longing for simple things. A family to be with on Christmas morning, the taste of warm cookies and milk after school. God put a deep longing in us for loving family. Closeness with God is founded in being a son comfortable with his father. Living as fatherless leaves us languid, without an inheritance, without emotional resources and opportunities that only fathers can give. How do we learn sonship?

Was dad there with acceptance and comforting love when I gave it my all but still struck out and my teammates sneered and scoffed? Did he rejoice with me when I worked hard and aced my final exam? When I wrecked the car and dad was upset, did I still know he was safe? Was dad’s love and authority a safe and warm place for my heart to rest?

Many of us had parents in the home, but their emotional absence or abuse left us feeling like orphans. Walking with God is about embracing a posture of sonship. It is more than loyalty and obedience, it is a heart responding to love, crying out, “Abba Father.” However, if you didn’t learn this growing up, how do you get there?

Daniel LaRusso grew up without a father. High school age, he moved from New Jersey to Los Angeles and promptly found himself being picked on. Enter Mr. Miyagi. He knew how to father, how to believe in someone who doesn’t believe in themselves. He knew how to see potential in Daniel and draw it out of him. Daniel gained the ability to risk because Miyagi gave him the fathering presence that was a sure emotional foundation to risk from. Daniel was able to risk fighting the Cobra Kai martial arts team, facing potential harm, with no guarantee of success. Many of you know this as the Karate Kid story, but the truth is, we all long for a spiritual father to believe in us.

To grow as a son you have to be willing to open your heart to a father. He won’t be perfect, he may not fit your perception of how a father does things, but he’ll change your life if you let him. Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel to be teachable, taught him to work hard and not ask questions. Daniel had to take on the posture of a son if he wanted the inheritance Miyagi offered.

Romans 8:14 says we have to be led (teachable) in order to be sons. Verse 15 says that by being led, the Spirit frees us of the fears that come from living in independence, fear of having to fend for ourselves because we can’t let a father be there for us. God gives us adoption to sonship wherein we cry Abba (Daddy) Father. Hebrews 12:8, 9 says it this way: if we can’t receive correction from Father, we are as illegitimate sons. No father equals no inheritance. Verse 9, If we can receive correction, we LIVE. God’s life flows through us. Back to Romans 8, verse 17 confirms this that when we live led, we get inheritance, we are heirs with Christ. We mature into what God has for us and make a difference in the world in the unique way God created us for.

1 John 4:20 says we don’t have in the spiritual what is not seen in the natural. In other words, if I have a heart of sonship toward God, you will see evidence of that in how I relate to spiritual fathers and authority figures, on earth. It starts with opening my heart, taking on the posture of a son. God has some Cobra Kai for you to fight. Will you take the risk?

Filed Under: Father's Love, Jack Frost, Leadership, Servant-Leadership, sonship Tagged With: , , , , ,

What Is Darkness?

January 13, 2012 By 1 Comment

By Cyndi

We live in a world that values strength and belittles weakness. We idolize characters such as Rambo, John Wayne, and Jason Bourne. It is so easy to feel that there is no way to advance in life if people see our weaknesses, our personal struggles. So we tend to be drawn toward hiding these things about ourselves. We want to put them in the dark where no one can see them. Yet, if we can’t even acknowledge we have struggles, how can we ever hope to overcome them? Understanding what is darkness and what is light puts a huge tool in our hands for growth.

Blatant sin, of course, is darkness; however, there can be smaller, less noticeable ways where we might be living in the dark. 1 John 1:6 says,”… if we say we have fellowship with God, but we continue living in darkness, we lie and do not follow the truth.” So what exactly does this “living in darkness” mean? Simply put, anything that is hidden and not exposed. To paraphrase Andrew Murray’s definition of humility, darkness is not being willing to be known for who we really are.

If we are humble – being known for who we really are – then we find no reason to hide our past, our present struggles, or our future dreams. But being open and transparent like this involves risk. If we were to divulge certain things about ourselves, people may reject us or make fun of us, or even worse, they may not love and accept us. And it’s possible they may abandon us.

It’s much easier to stay in the dark than to take the chance of living in openness and transparency, but unfortunately, there are “friends” that tend to hang around us there. Fear, worry, anxiety, shame, guilt – all of these can be our ‘best friends’ when we’re in darkness. And there’s no peace or rest there. Only by embracing light do we position ourselves to experience growth.

We can be free from our past and live emotionally present in all our relationships today! By facing the hidden darkness in our lives, we can find freedom to be who we really are, unashamedly. Light is the place where we have the actual experience of feeling secure in our Father’s arms and live open-hearted to the world.

Filed Under: Christianity, Father's Love, humility, Shame, Spiritual Maturity Tagged With: , , , , ,

A Massive Skill

October 28, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

On Dancing with the Stars this week, Hope Solo’s dance partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, called judge Len Goodman out on his harshness. Len said, “This is your worst dance of the whole season.” The audience booed, and Len pulled out the “I’ve been in this business for 50 years” line. The tabloids claim Maksim “slammed” Len but he did not. There was not anger on his face nor in his tone of voice. He was simply saying, “Come on, that’s too harsh, these people are working hard.”

http://abc.go.com/watch/dancing-with-the-stars/SH559050/VD55149760/week-6 (at 1:00:5)

Standing up for yourself, without putting the other down
It’s not easy to stand up for yourself in a calm, non-attacking way. It doesn’t necessarily come with age. Len Goodman at 67 years old doesn’t know how to do this.

This is an essential skill in marriage. The marriage partners who receive respect and cooperation by their spouses are the ones who respond in ways which continue to foster that atmosphere in the home. They can state their side without resorting to criticism. They give respect, even in the face of stress or apparent bad behavior on the part of the other, yet they don’t back down.

This skill applies to not being run over on our jobs as well, and receiving respect from our peers.

It’s so easy to focus on how bad our boss is or controlling and abusive our spouse is, yet others can’t really control how we feel unless we let them.

God wants to develop this skill in all of us. The church has so often been either attacking or a door mat. This comes out in how we respond to the world, our spouses, difficult people in our churches, etc. We reject or quietly distance ourselves from the “problem person.”

What would happen if the hurting of the world started running into true spiritual fathers and mothers who were not threatened by the hurt-based behavior of others and could love them anyway and call them up higher?

Filed Under: Father's Love, life skills

Stillness

October 27, 2011 By 3 Comments

By Cyndi

Stillness. Stillness in mind, body and spirit. Got it? I don’t always. Many times my mind is racing with ideas or replaying events over and over again. My body usually wants to be moving, remaining active with chores or exercise when possible. And my spirit…well, I don’t always check in to see how my spirit’s doing. My spirit is typically the one who wants to be still. It’s deeper and it’s hearing the voice of my Beloved calling from the deep, yearning to connect with Him.

I find myself most of the time staying “on the surface” of life, like the stereotypical news, sports and weather persona. I’m too busy to connect emotionally with God or anyone else. I have things to do, people to see, places to go, a long list in front of me to get accomplished. And where does this get me? Well, sometimes I get a lot done, but my spirit is undernourished. You see, Father God made us to be relational beings, and if I’m not being relational, then what’s the point of being?

We were meant to have emotional connections every day. Connecting with our own emotions, those of our spouse, our children, our friends and co-workers, and of course, the Lord. Some people naturally tend to link emotionally with others, sharing their dreams and desires as well as being a good listener to those who, in turn, disclose their   bundles of feelings. And emotional awareness is needed to unite with God too.

King David constantly was pouring his emotions out to the Lord. As you read through the Psalms, there are numerous examples of him sharing his fears, his anxieties, his joys, his sorrows. And God didn’t complain about it. I think we think that showing our emotions is a sign of weakness or a lesser, negative quality; but the Bible is full of people, including Jesus, who were keenly aware of their emotional state and brought it before the Lord. Their deep calling to His deep, spirit to spirit. They chose to stay connected to the One who could understand, console, and help them.

But to connect with God this way I have to know what’s going on in myself first. I have to still my mind and body enough to know how my spirit is doing. Brother Lawrence and Madam Guyon have shown us that it’s possible to continue working while communing with God, yet it’s more than just offering prayers and petitions to Him. It’s a relational linking, a joining of emotions, my heart to His, a deep to deep in the stillness of my spirit.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love Tagged With: ,

Standing in Dignity

October 14, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Everyone feels fearful or hurt from time to time; conflicts and misunderstandings are a part of life. There are basically two ways people respond: shame and condemnation, or guilt and accountability.

Challenges
Ron had a terrible day at work. His boss accused him of a mistake on a major project and he feels his job might be in jeopardy. He comes home wired, tense, longing for the refuge of his Lazy Boy/TV cave. His wife immediately hits him with, “the car won’t start” and “by the way, Jr. is failing math.” Then Ron loses it; he gets bitterly sarcastic with his wife and down right caustic with his son, “What’s the matter with you boy, are you an idiot? I told you to lay off those video games and study more.”

Shame and Condemnation
In a shame-based family system individuals respond to conflicts in shame perpetuating ways. There is a constant underlying message of devalue, not just communicating you did wrong but that you are wrong. These individuals have lived with the pain of shame instead of dignity and so spend their time protecting themselves from this pain by never allowing anything to be their fault. Since it is impossible to never be wrong, everything must be subject to judgment and charged accordingly. This ‘moral monitoring’ means that the littlest mistakes like, forgetting to floss, not rinsing off a dish, not taking your shoes off at the door, can get you “a look” that communicates, “What’s wrong with you?” The Pharisees lived here. Their hearts were never open to mercy and the smallest infractions were subject to their censure.

Shame is a hidden belief about self that “I am flawed.” This belief is triggered anytime something goes wrong. Therefore, life’s challenges can’t be seen on their own merits and viewed simply as a problem to be solved, but instead someone must always be to blame. I can’t allow it to be me, so it must be you. So Jr. doesn’t just need more study time or perhaps a tutor, Jr. needs to suffer for his insolence.

Personhood and Abuse
Personhood is the quality of being an individual person and so worthy of dignity. The origin of shame is abuse that violates and diminishes personhood. This is done through crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries by attacking another persons’ right to choose what they think or what action they’ll take. This plays out in statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What were you thinking?” or it could be a backhand across the face.

These attacks are in two categories: fight or flight. “Fight” is anything from a sarcastic remark, to a demeaning statement, to physical harm. “Flight” can be anything from the silent treatment, to not being willing to discuss certain issues, or even to full on abandonment.

Healthy Guilt and Accountability
All of us make mistakes sometimes. The provision for that is healthy guilt and accountability. If I have made a mistake, guilt is appropriate. Guilt is a painful feeling that I have violated one of my values. It is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Healthy guilt leads me to take responsibility, walk in accountability, and make repair. If someone has acted inappropriately toward me, accountability has to do with honoring the other as a person yet not covering the consequences they face for their actions.

Unconditional love and healthy guilt allows people to make mistakes. When there’s a base of unconditional love and healthy guilt to resolve conflict rather than shaming behaviors to handle what bothers us, people can live in healthy community and growth takes place.

Growing in God’s love should move us toward treating others with dignity, even those we very much disagree with. The question of another person’s worth or dignity should never come into play. This has a huge affect on our walk with God. If I treat others with condemnation, I will not be able to escape feeling like God treats me that way. This is a milestone that must be crossed if we are to learn to walk in a depth of obedience to the Lord.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love, Personhood Tagged With: , , ,

Suffering Losses

October 9, 2011 By 5 Comments

By Cyndi

Into middle age now, I tend to look back on my life at times and reflect. In going through healing journeys of past wounding and processing pain these last few years, as well as seeing into the lives of those I counsel, I have come to an astounding conclusion. I believe accepting and grieving losses is one of the hardest parts of this passage called life.

As I walk through resolving life’s hurts and I find healing and wholeness, one of the final stages of each path is accepting a loss. It may be a physical loss of someone or something, it may be an emotional loss, or it may be a financial loss. There are many types of losses, but they all are painful.

We can never go back and change the past, we can only process it and resolve it in our hearts and minds. If our children are older, we can’t change how we raised them when they were younger. If we are parents have died, we can’t change what we said to them or they said to us. So many things we can look back on and want to change, but we can’t. Time only moves forward. But what we can do is move forward with it.

I remember walking along our downtown riverfront one day, looking at all the boats and remembering all the times my family used to sail in the river. We were highly involved in the local sailing community and my father was on race committees and many projects having to do with the St. Johns River. As a teenager, I loved sailing and it became a large part of my life. But that day, as I walked the riverfront, I realized it was all only memories now; I no longer have my dad to share those memories with anymore, much less make any “new” ones. He died 17 years ago. It’s a real loss and it hurts.

It’s not something that can be changed; it is what it is. So I took that loss and gave it to the Lord. Isaiah 53:4 tells us that Jesus came to bear our sorrows and carry our griefs. We just have to let Him. Let go and let God, as the saying goes. Cry, weep, shout, whatever it takes, but give it to Him. Then move on. This can be extremely hard, yet when you come through it, there will be peace.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love Tagged With: , , ,

Equanimity for Productivity

September 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Equanimity is a fancy word for the Biblical rest spoken of in Hebrews 4. It means I am neither striving to make things happen nor avoiding what God would use to cause growth in our lives.

Striving – everyone faces fears and insecurities sometimes, usually daily.
When we feel insecure we often strive. We try and make things happen, try and jimmy a door open. We become controlling in some way, becoming more aggressive with others or giving them the silent treatment. We may make lots of vows to work harder or lose weight or avoid that bad habit at all costs.

Avoiding – we also have many ways we put walls around our hearts. A person cuts us off in traffic, our spouse is insensitive to our needs, our boss yells at us – “That jerk,” we think. The minute we label someone we are blocking him from our heart.

Acceptance – when we can walk in acceptance, acknowledging God in all our ways, giving Him thanks in all things, there’s a rest. From this place of rest grows the fruit of the Spirit. We honor all men, we honor ourselves, we get things done.

Contemplative prayer – the discipline of contemplative prayer fosters rest. I say some words of love to God and I wait in His presence. Sometimes I sense His presence, sometimes my mind wanders like crazy. Learning to accept whatever happens as exactly what God has for me at that moment, with no sense of frustration. This fosters equanimity, rest. This begins to spill over into other parts of our lives. When I’m not worked up to make things happen nor frustrated at things I don’t like, life flows.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love Tagged With: , , , ,
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