Codependent Control

June 8, 2009 By 4 Comments

God has called all of us to walk in authority and dominion. The trap of the enemy is to get us focused on other people rather on the destiny God has for us. “Judy grew up in a household with a father who got drunk every weekend, and her whole family had been organized around trying to keep father on an even keel.” (Facing Shame) This really tends toward victim thinking and the idea that our destinies are tied up into the response of others.

I also grew up in an alcoholic home. We all felt we had to walk around on eggshells. What I did not see for a long time is that tiptoeing around is a form of control; it’s trying to control another person’s mood. The alcoholic is sometimes of the pathetic variety, but more often than not, he is abusive. He controls through fear, threat, and intimidation. When you grow up in an environment of fear, trying to keep an abuser happy, it is hard to be free of the idea that the world is a scary place and if you are not careful, someone will get mad at you.

Anybody I feel I have to be careful around is a person seeking to push me into a shame pattern. If we embrace walking on tiptoes, we have abdicated our authority and entered a cycle of shame-them trying to control us, and us trying to control them.  The person that tries to control others through moodiness or sharp comments or anger needs boundaries not appeasement. It is hard to come into the health and destiny God has for us when our focus is on another person instead of on God. I believe this is part of learning how to walk in our authority and walk free from the fear of man.

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Prayer Ministry

How to Receive from the Father

May 30, 2009 By 2 Comments

“Robert, you have a wrong theology of receiving.” As soon as I heard that, I sensed that there was something to it. It took me some time to unpack that. What errors might there be about my understanding of how I receive what I need in life? I discovered two main ways I needed to adjust my thinking-ways I thought like a victim. One had to do with who my source was and the other had to do with who was in control. Learning how to receive properly from the Father is a huge key to our future!

I have found it a slippery thing to have expectations toward man. I have realized that any time I am angry that someone did not meet my needs, or if I am resentful, feeling like things are unfair, I am looking to man instead of God. Whenever I seek to pressure or manipulate others, I am looking to man. James clearly says, “Every good gift is from above, and comes down from the Father” (Ja.1:17). Every gift, all of them, is from Father. God often uses human means as His conduit to bless us, but He is still our source.

I have been on a lifetime journey of learning to look only to God for my needs and to allow God to determine how He wants to meet them and in what order. At age 21, I felt a call to ministry and had already read about some of the great men of faith: Reese Howells, Smith Wigglesworth, Praying Hyde. I knew that was my path, to be a mighty revivalist. However, ministry did not happen right away for me and, as it did happen, it was nowhere even close to unfolding as I had imagined. I ended up pasturing a church of poor subsistence farmers and their families on the mission field. I felt it was far away from the tangible anointing Reese and Smith seemed to have had, and not even on the level of a respectable American church.

One day I had a thought: “These third-world people are every bit as precious to God as anyone, anywhere, in any church. I would just as soon be here as anywhere.” Something happened that day. I quit trying to tell God what He needed to do for me and acknowledged that He gives me all the things I need for life and godliness (2 Pet.1:3). I also quit trying to determine when He should give me what I need, acknowledging He has the master plan and He alone knows the timing.

I developed an incredible love for those people that continues to this day. Moreover, little did I know, it was preparing me to minister cross-culturally all around the world. God really did have a sequence for my life that was perfect. God has a dynamic plan for all of us. As long as we are disappointed in man for not meeting our need or we are disappointed in God for not giving us what we think He should or when we think He should, we will be hindered. Acknowledging He has given us everything we need and going to Him over and over to unpack things according to His plan and timing leads to a life full of adventure and fulfillment.

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change

Respect-Based Families Vs Shame-Bound Families

May 24, 2009 By 2 Comments

“Wow, a dirt bike track!” The year was 1978 and we had just moved to Sparks, Nevada. I had never seen a BMX track. I took off down the hills and around the curves enjoying the thrill. As I came around one curve, out of nowhere, a group of bicycles racing forced me off the track, causing me to crash over the side of the berm. I was so mad I started cursing those guys out. They came back and starting fighting me. I got beat up bad-swollen lip, black eye. It was a shaming experience and I felt rejected and alone. But worse than the fight was the idea of having to go home and face my dad. The pain I carried was not just from this isolated event, but from a whole system of family life that I lived in. Two key dynamics operate in family systems and effect how we mature: acceptance and vulnerability.

Acceptance versus Judgment

There is no acceptance in the shame system, rather everything is “weighed in the balance” and usually you are “found wanting”. Therefore, there is no flexibility and no room for error. You are either right or wrong. These families do not consider life events on their own merits; rather they judge the person as right or wrong. So secrecy becomes huge. I tried waiting a long time before going home that day. I wanted to see if the swelling would go down and maybe Dad would not notice. Facing my dad’s disappointment and anger only added to the sense of shame I already felt. I could not have put it into words back in those days, but something in me knew it was not okay to have lost a fight. It was not okay to have weakness of any kind; I was either right, or I was out. There was neither comfort nor help to overcome, only judgment and more shame.

Vulnerability

In a respect-based family, the pain would have been just as bad from the fight but I would not have feared going home. I would not have felt “on the outside” with my own family. I would have known Dad would have been on my side. I could have expressed my feelings of indignation to a listening ear that would not ‘weigh me in the balance’ but would have shown comfort and empathy. Merle Fossum says, “People in respect-based families talk openly with one another about their lives rather than manage their relationships with secrets. They are openly vulnerable and dependent or needy at times without judgment.”   

Intimacy with Man and God

In my struggle that day, intimacy and personal development could have grown. I could have learned that I will receive comfort in my weakness, that it is okay to fail, and okay not to be perfect. I could have grown in empathy and ability to live in community. Instead, my pain was denied and judged, which taught me to isolate and have unrealistic standards of perfectionism-only perfect people that can defeat a whole gang of kids are accepted.   

Shame does not just disappear on its own. If we cannot show vulnerability and weakness to people and still feel okay about ourselves, we will not have a capacity for that kind of intimacy with others or even God. This is why people put on masks and try to appear successful or hyper-spiritual. It has been prophesied for years that there will be an end-time people that know their God, walk in radical intimacy and do exploits (Daniel 11:32). I do not believe it will happen by accident. It will happen as we learn principles from the Bible and apply them.

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Prayer Ministry

From Shame to Acceptance

May 15, 2009 By 4 Comments

The Insidiousness of Shame

Understanding shame is a huge key to freedom. Shame is a force, meaning it does not just strike once, but can be a continuing factor in our lives with its delegitimizing effect. Shame can operate in many hidden ways to wreak its havoc in our lives. Gershen Kaufman says, “Shame can be the source of depression, alienation, self-doubt, isolation, loneliness, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, and a deep sense of inferiority, inadequacy and failure.” What is the power of shame and how can we be free of it?

A False Self

Shame attacks our identity and makes us feel defective.

“Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing… it is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, one needs a false self which is not defective and flawed,” John Bradshaw.

 We end up living for an image, for example, trying to appear successful in order to keep shame off our doorstep. Many try to “keep up with the Jones’” in hot pursuit of the American Dream. Some will try to appear spiritual, like the Pharisees, (that was me!). Most teenagers live their lives trying to be “cool”. It can even be an image of “poor me” by running to fear and rejection all the time, perpetually blaming others for problems so that they themselves never have to take responsibility. Living for these images is basic idolatry. However, preaching at someone to repent for his or her idol worship probably is not going to help him move to freedom.

Freedom from Addiction

Many say that overeating is all about controlling anxiety. Anxiety is actually the basis for most addictions. Here is how it works. My boundaries are crossed-people have related to me, or I have related to myself in a way that is demeaning rather than respectful. Demeaning shame can happen in three key ways: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

  • My physical boundaries are crossed, as in physical or sexual abuse.
  • I am violated emotionally, my feelings do not count.
  • Mental boundaries are not respected; my opinions and thoughts are not valued.

When our boundaries are crossed, we feel the pressure from shame to stay in control. We are trying to keep up the image so we can somehow feel okay about ourselves. The pressure comes in the form of fear and anxiety and fuels the need for relief in some form. The more pressure I feel to have to “keep it together,” the more often I need a release in the form of some type of compulsive behavior.

Acceptance is the Key

If we can identify these patterns in our lives and bring their sources to the cross, we can then find our acceptance solely in our Heavenly Father. This enables us to begin relating to others and ourselves in accepting and valuing ways.

If you identify with any of these issues of shame or addictions, and would like some help to find freedom, Fountains of Life ministries is available to serve you. Please feel free to call our office.

Filed Under: Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, How to Change, Prayer Ministry

How to See Change

August 9, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Will Worship – How many times have I set my will to do better, pray more, and eat in a healthier way? Can we change ourselves? Exodus 31:13 God is the Sanctifier, Jehovah Mekadesh. Only He can help us change.

Surrender – Without realizing it I end up worshipping my own will. There is a key to transformation so simple that we often miss it. Change has to do with being simple enough to just wait in God’s presence. It is an act of surrender, faith and love. When God set me free from drugs, I had tried daily for six months to get clean. All my efforts amounted to continual defeat. Freedom came when I became weak enough to surrender. Surrender opens the way for faith as I yield my independence to trust God instead. The surrender and faith produce love in my heart as I look to God and He does for me what I cannot do for myself.

Waiting on God – The very act of waiting on God in prayer has a purifying effect. I give of my time to Him by faith and in love, not to receive anything from Him but simply to express my devotion to Him. Of course, when we give of ourselves to God we do receive; however, I believe the greatest maturity and purifying take place when we remain faithful even in the dry times.

Foster – Listen to the wise words of Richard Foster in the Celebration of Discipline: “We have only one thing to do, experience a life of relationship and intimacy with God. We rely on our willpower and determination; we pray against our habits, fight against it, set our will against it. But the struggle is all in vain, and we find ourselves once again morally bankrupt or, worse yet, so proud of our external righteousness that whitened sepulchers is a mild description of our condition. The moment we feel we can succeed and attain victory over sin by the strength of our will alone is the moment we are worshipping the will. Willpower will never succeed in dealing with the deeply ingrained habits of sin. Heini Arnold concludes, ‘As long as we think we can save ourselves by our own willpower, we will only make the evil in us stronger than ever.”

Filed Under: Christianity, How to Change

How to Receive Fathers

April 18, 2008 By 1 Comment

 I have had at least three significant spiritual fathers in my life.

Sam Gilpin was the first who led me to the Lord and took me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. This taught me deep things about transparency, surrender and restitution. This started me on a path to healing.

Pastor Steve McCoy was the second. Space does not permit me to share the many ways he has stood with me for 23 years. Certainly the foundation in God’s word that has kept me in the race all these years would be at the top of this list. The message of grace he preaches that has brought much healing was huge. Certainly counsel through all the years was also significant.

Jack Frost and Robert Hartzell togetherThe late Jack Frost was the third who took my healing from such a broken childhood much deeper. Jack taught me the messages of Sonship that I have been sharing. He taught me church etiquette for traveling ministries. Jack taught me how to impart a message of grace to churches with other paradigms for ministry in such a way that it is received. Jack was amazing to me because he had a vision of where the church needed to go to fulfill God’s plan, yet because of his sonship he could bring his message in a way that it would be received rather than being yet another “martyr” who has “revelation that no one else sees” and ends up judging the church for being so lukewarm and deserving of wrath.

These men of God were there for me even though I was not always so sure of that. Not only did I have to work through my abandonment issues, I had to learn how to relate to the spiritual fathers God had placed in my life. I had no example to draw from. I feared my earthly father and there was not anything functional about our relationship. There were times of not asking for help and counsel because, “They don’t have time for me”. There were times of longing for them to meet my needs instead of taking my own proper personal responsibility. Both of these attitudes represent a slave/master mentality. If a slave asks a wrong question he may be hit and yet he does not eat unless this abuser feeds him. We often carry these same dysfunctional patterns over to how we relate to God. When things go our way we are so happy. When things are going wrong we can take it as rejection, thinking, “God doesn’t care for me”.

Hebrews 13:17—Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.

When we can learn to walk in healthy submission, to be a blessing rather than place demands, to get under and support the vision of the fathers God has placed in our lives it is very profitable for us, we mature into all that God has for us. It seems weekly we hear of another Christian couple getting divorced or leaving the church offended only to repeat the cycle at the next church. I believe it almost always comes down to the issues I have shared in this message. What if I would have gotten offended and left one of the spiritual fathers I mentioned in this article? Look at the heritage, the growth I would have missed! It is so worth it to work through our “children in the wilderness” mentalities, (as a slave relating to a master) and learn how to receive and relate to the spiritual fathers God places on our lives!

Filed Under: Father's Love, Healings, How to Change, Jack Frost Tagged With: , , ,

Living a Fathered Life

April 18, 2008 By 3 Comments

“Why do I always have to be the mature one for the ‘fathers’ in my life?” This is something I said many times years ago. I felt like God had never really given me any spiritual fathers. I felt like I was left to work out my problems on my own and that there was no one there to help mature me and promote me. The man who led me to the Lord, Sam, had a wonderful ministry to alcoholics and drug addicts. He was gifted to reach out to people who wanted absolutely nothing to do with God. He would start working with them to get free from addiction and within a short time they would get saved. One time I went with him to a Bible study for reaching unbelievers. The people there spoke of everything from atheism to eastern mysticism. I became very dogmatic insisting that only the Bible and God must be followed; don’t even talk about anything else! People started putting walls up as I seemed to attack them during the discussion. On the way home Sam tried to talk to me about my comments but I could not see where he was coming from. I took this to mean that he was “not for me”, so that meant he was against me, rejecting me. I feared rejection and so I rejected him before he could reject me; I left. In reality Sam never rejected me and was always there for me. At the time, I wanted him to father me the way I wanted him to father me and any break from what I perceived as fathering, I interpreted as a weakness on his part, hence my saying, “I always have to be the mature one toward those who should be there for me”.

 

I did this same thing with my pastor. One time I brought him some counseling books. I knew my life was a mess, and I asked him to counsel me with them. He said he had never read these books. He recommended I get a foundation in the word of God; that from his experience this is what matures a person. I once again interpreted that as a father “not being there for me”. I did, however, follow his advice and looking back many years later I can see the wisdom in it. I know many people who came out of a dysfunctional background like me who have not made it. Many have gone from church to church, running away each time God would get them to a point of dealing with their issues. Others are no longer in the faith at all. Some even went on to join cults. By God’s grace I am still at the same church 23 years later because a “father” in my life helped me get a foundation in the word of God.

 

Why was I not able to receive the spiritual fathers God had placed in my life? It all came down to judgments I had made toward my birth father growing up. He really was never there for me and worse, he was abusive and I feared him. I thought I had forgiven him but yet the fruit in my life clearly demonstrated otherwise like these two examples reveal. As I worked through these issues in prayer ministry, I began to see that God has always been faithful to put ‘fathers’ in my life. But now I can receive them as they are and it does not have to be on my terms.

 

 

On all of our trips we generally take 1 or 2 days and do 1 on 1 prayer ministry appointments to help people work through their issues and get unstuck in their spiritual lives. We are now offering this in Jacksonville, Florida as well. 

Filed Under: Father's Love, How to Change, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , ,

Right Need Wrong Source

April 1, 2008 By 2 Comments

There was a time in my Christian experience where I felt I needed to work hard for God, to really “pay a price” if He was ever going to use me. I would try to fast almost every single day. Most days I would end up getting and eating a whole box of Cap’n Crunch cereal instead. Then I would feel so condemned, like I just did not meet the requirements to be a great in God’s army. At that time I sought out lots of preaching that said this very same thing. I thought that if I could hear hard enough preaching long enough, it would finally motivate me to live the disciplined Christian life that I knew I should.

All of us need comfort

A BIG misunderstanding I had about the Christian life was that it was about me growing in my ability to be disciplined. I would be able withstand any temptation if I could just mature enough in my faith. I would have discipline in my prayer life, diet, exercise and finances. I did not understand that God’s grace to stand comes to the humble, who know how to live in dependence, with no walls around their hearts. 1 Peter 5:5

What I have discovered is that we all need a SLAP, Security, Love, Affirmation and Purpose. I need to know I am cared for, safe and secure from being rejected and that I am unconditionally loved. I need to feel accepted and comforted in love. I need to feel affirmed and valued, that what I do counts and finally I need a sense of purpose and destiny for my life. These are God given needs. I can find these needs met in the loving arms of my heavenly Father and in my immediate and church families. This requires interdependence and humility. If I do not find these needs met legitimately my flesh will scream to get them met in illegitimate ways. This brings a whole new understanding to the verses below.

Eph 2:2, 3 In which at one time you walked [habitually]. You were following the course and fashion of this world [were under the sway of the tendency of this present age], following the prince of the power of the air. [You were obedient to and under the control of] the [demon] spirit that still constantly works in the sons of disobedience [the careless, the rebellious, and the unbelieving, who go against the purposes of God]. Among these we as well as you once lived and conducted ourselves in the passions of our flesh [our behavior governed by our corrupt and sensual nature], obeying the impulses of the flesh and the thoughts of the mind [our cravings dictated by our senses and our dark imaginings]. We were then by nature children of [God's] wrath and heirs of [His] indignation, like the rest of mankind. (Amplified Version)

There certainly are demonic influences that are in everyone’s life. (I do not believe influence is the same as possession). There is carnality. What is behind the carnally and demonically influenced behavior, however, is a God created need. These needs should draw us to God and family to live in community. If we are stubborn in our independence we will continually struggle. Many have preached a certain legalism that states God is angry at us for not straightening this stuff out. This adds to our feelings of insecurity, that we are only loved, accepted and valued if we meet certain conditions.

These messages basically say, “suck it up”, almost like a sports coach with his team. They put pressure on us to perform and they add condemnation and guilt when we fail to meet the standard. This is not an environment where we can feel secure and valued unconditionally and therefore we are not free to let down our walls of independence and trust that through God and family our needs will be met.

I believe God is restoring a foundation of love to His church in this hour. This base of love will restore fathers to children and children to fathers, Malachi 4:6. Fathers and mothers in Christ are arising that know how to show real and freeing love to the children God brings. This move will change God’s reputation on the earth. His body will no longer be viewed as a self-righteous group who point out others faults and who communicate a message of judgment to people like the backslidden or the homosexuals. God’s body will be a safe place, where pre-Christians; the hurting, the bound and hurt person can go and find a love so powerful and freeing that it casts out all their fears (1 John 4:18) and sets them free to trust and walk in humility and interdependence!

 

 

 

Filed Under: Father's Love, How to Change Tagged With:

Breaking in Fathers Love

March 31, 2008 By Leave a Comment

In Spanish people say, “Nadie reconoce sus errores” (no one recognizes their own errors). There was a time I felt a person who was close to me had really wronged me. We maintained a cordial relationship but you could always feel a wall between us. Of course I could lay out for you all the things this person had done and why I was right. I held on to this for a couple of years. I came to a time of wanting to grow deeper in God. So I began fasting and waiting before the Lord seeking to humble myself before Him and hear what He might say to me. Days turned to weeks with no word from God. In the third week I went into a time of solitude at a friend’s house and several days went by. I received some revelation from God’s word but no word of how I might grow or humble myself or see some real key for change I had not considered. Finally, on the fourth day, I heard this person’s name that I thought had wronged me and that I needed to seek forgiveness from this person. My defenses immediately sprang up to justify my position. “If anyone needs to ask forgiveness it is they from me”!Psalms 19:9-14 The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they then gold, Yea, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them your servant is warned, and in keeping them there is great reward. Who can understand his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults. Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; Let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, and I shall be innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.If I can just have God’s judgments over the areas of my life, to see them as He does, it is worth more than gold. What price can you put on two family members being restored to one another? This is what is so powerful about fasting, if I will use it to humble myself rather than to try and get God to do something. I can see the ways that I presume that I am right when in reality I am in sin.What does it take for any of us to lay down our judgments; why is it so hard for us? I believe it is because our very identity gets tied up in these things. My view of how I am “right” in a given situation is what I have trusted in to feel okay about myself. This is how I defend myself that I am okay rather than trusting in God’s righteousness for me. “If I were to admit that I was wrong would that not bring shame to my life?” There are certain ways I just cannot bear to see myself as a sinner.At Fountains of Life we see restoration of relationships in most every conference we do. In the first meeting or two, people are weeping at the altars as they forgive others who have hurt them and then receive God’s love washing over them. In the next meetings we start seeing people off to one side having a talk. We see mothers and daughters reconciling. We see ministers asking forgiveness of one another. It is a truly beautiful sight.Unfortunately, in so many cases reconciliation is not what we see. I know of many who are divorced today for an unwillingness to break. Many are out of the ministry, living with hurts and even diseases because they would not simply yield. When I first heard “breaking” taught in church it seemed so ethereal, so deeply spiritual, the long dark night of the soul and so forth. I have come to see that it is really quite simple. During that fourth day of my solitude I finally began to consider the possibility that I did have some culpability in some of what had happened with this other person. I decided to humble myself and go and asked for forgiveness. We ended up embracing and speaking blessings over one another as God brought restoration. God has so much more for us if we will simply embrace humility.

Filed Under: Father's Love, How to Change Tagged With:

Trusting in the Father’s Love to Surrender

March 29, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Trusting in the Father’s Love to Surrender

In my independence I ran from the Lord, I felt uncomfortable anywhere near a church; it confronted my lifestyle too directly. I was “in control” self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.

Our independence, I believe, is at the heart of our sin nature- my will, me being in control, to take care of myself and meet my own emotional needs.

At salvation I really “surrendered”, leaving all my old friends, a lifestyle of drugs and alcohol and I started attending church every time the doors were open. But, had Christianity now become my new way to get my own needs met? How many of us as Christians start out strong and zealous only to taper off into a lukewarm existence or worse completely backsliding? What happens? Is it that we realize that God is not going to be manipulated by us to meet our needs our way?

In Arthur Burk’s series on South Carolina he talks about the long dark night of the soul for him being a season of learning to surrender the ordering of his life to God, allowing God to determine what he needs and when. He came to surrender what he thinks God needs to do in his life at any given time. So often we have planned out all the ways God needs to work in our lives to heal us and mature us and raise us up. God, knowing the beginning from the end, has a much better plan for our lives than we do. At twenty one years of age I felt a call to ministry. I thought I would be pastoring before thirty.  After all, my pastor had his first church before twenty five. Instead God put me in my own business where I learned many lessons and at the same time learned many things about love as I ministered in a nursing home. Then, God sent me to pastor in the Dominican Republic and to direct a medical clinic. I had never thought about missions and certainly not a medical clinic. But here my business experience turned out to be quite helpful. The point is that God had a path for me I never dreamed of; I had to surrender over and over my plan. God was never late and knew exactly how to work in my life to bring me to the place He had for me.

How do we finally start relinquishing control? I believe it takes trust- trust that God will effectively meet our emotional and material needs. Many talk a good game here but how many really and truly surrender? Coming to know the Father’s love is the best way I know to begin developing the trust necessary to start surrendering at the deeper levels.

Arthur Burk link http://www.plumblineministries.com/south_carolina

Filed Under: Father's Love, How to Change Tagged With: ,
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