God has called all of us to walk in authority and dominion. The trap of the enemy is to get us focused on other people rather on the destiny God has for us. “Judy grew up in a household with a father who got drunk every weekend, and her whole family had been organized around trying to keep father on an even keel.” (Facing Shame) This really tends toward victim thinking and the idea that our destinies are tied up into the response of others.

I also grew up in an alcoholic home. We all felt we had to walk around on eggshells. What I did not see for a long time is that tiptoeing around is a form of control; it’s trying to control another person’s mood. The alcoholic is sometimes of the pathetic variety, but more often than not, he is abusive. He controls through fear, threat, and intimidation. When you grow up in an environment of fear, trying to keep an abuser happy, it is hard to be free of the idea that the world is a scary place and if you are not careful, someone will get mad at you.

Anybody I feel I have to be careful around is a person seeking to push me into a shame pattern. If we embrace walking on tiptoes, we have abdicated our authority and entered a cycle of shame-them trying to control us, and us trying to control them.  The person that tries to control others through moodiness or sharp comments or anger needs boundaries not appeasement. It is hard to come into the health and destiny God has for us when our focus is on another person instead of on God. I believe this is part of learning how to walk in our authority and walk free from the fear of man.

The Insidiousness of Shame

Understanding shame is a huge key to freedom. Shame is a force, meaning it does not just strike once, but can be a continuing factor in our lives with its delegitimizing effect. Shame can operate in many hidden ways to wreak its havoc in our lives. Gershen Kaufman says, “Shame can be the source of depression, alienation, self-doubt, isolation, loneliness, compulsive disorders, perfectionism, and a deep sense of inferiority, inadequacy and failure.” What is the power of shame and how can we be free of it?

A False Self

Shame attacks our identity and makes us feel defective.

“Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing… it is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, one needs a false self which is not defective and flawed,” John Bradshaw.

 We end up living for an image, for example, trying to appear successful in order to keep shame off our doorstep. Many try to “keep up with the Jones’” in hot pursuit of the American Dream. Some will try to appear spiritual, like the Pharisees, (that was me!). Most teenagers live their lives trying to be “cool”. It can even be an image of “poor me” by running to fear and rejection all the time, perpetually blaming others for problems so that they themselves never have to take responsibility. Living for these images is basic idolatry. However, preaching at someone to repent for his or her idol worship probably is not going to help him move to freedom.

Freedom from Addiction

Many say that overeating is all about controlling anxiety. Anxiety is actually the basis for most addictions. Here is how it works. My boundaries are crossed-people have related to me, or I have related to myself in a way that is demeaning rather than respectful. Demeaning shame can happen in three key ways: physically, emotionally, and mentally.

• My physical boundaries are crossed, as in physical or sexual abuse.
• I am violated emotionally, my feelings do not count.
• Mental boundaries are not respected; my opinions and thoughts are not valued.

When our boundaries are crossed, we feel the pressure from shame to stay in control. We are trying to keep up the image so we can somehow feel okay about ourselves. The pressure comes in the form of fear and anxiety and fuels the need for relief in some form. The more pressure I feel to have to “keep it together,” the more often I need a release in the form of some type of compulsive behavior.

Acceptance is the Key

If we can identify these patterns in our lives and bring their sources to the cross, we can then find our acceptance solely in our Heavenly Father. This enables us to begin relating to others and ourselves in accepting and valuing ways.

If you identify with any of these issues of shame or addictions, and would like some help to find freedom, Fountains of Life ministries is available to serve you. Please feel free to call our office.