Last week I wrote about Sonship in terms of feeling safe with fathers and opening our hearts to allow their influence in our lives. I want to build on that this week. Healthy sonship identity leads to increased capacity for autonomy. This is where maturity really happens.

Think of physical abuse for a moment, a slap across the face when you didn’t even realize you were saying something wrong. This treats a person like an object, diminishing sonship identity, because it does not respect their thoughts or feelings. It causes the person to experience feelings of powerlessness, to struggle with initiative, and with taking personal responsibility.

Romans 8:16 says, “For the Holy Spirit speaks to us and tells our spirit that we are children of God.” This is our identity, we are children of God. “For He planned in love, for us to be adopted as His own children…accepted in the beloved” (Eph1:5, 6 Amp.).

Man rebelled. Adam choose the independence of knowing good and evil, to choose for himself how he would live life. Even though God created Adam, the air he breathed, the water he drank, and the food he ate, God didn’t destroy him for his betrayal. God tried to talk with Adam but he did not take responsibility for his actions, he blame shifted, “That woman you gave me.” It is also noteworthy that God also did not act in co-dependence and rescue Adam from the consequences of his choices. This is good parenting that builds a healthy identity. It is important to know Father God as one who respects free will and one who is also secure enough to allow us to learn from our wrong choices. This is well exemplified in the story of the prodigal. The father never closed his heart toward the rebellious son, nor did he run to him in the pig pen.

“Think about healthy childhood development. A wise parent will allow increasing autonomy, encouraging the child to make decisions and face the consequences. When we see a person who has never grown up they often blame shift and justify, not accepting responsibility for their choices. Such a person takes little or no initiative but is highly responsive to outside influences, blown this way and that according to the prevailing wind of other persons. This may be extreme, but everyone is challenged by this some.” Ted Ward

When we can see God’s heart toward us and receive His discipline, knowing it is for our actions, and not an attack on our person, we mature. We are able to see how our wrong behavior hurts our relationship with God and others. We learn reciprocity in the world that teaches us greater community, openness, humility, empathy, and core values. These values become integrated in us producing greater autonomy. Not because we have to or we’ll be rejected, but rather because we have a healthy identity in God’s love and value that love and desire to give it to others from a deep place inside of us.

Picture two nine year old boys staring out the window of an orphanage longing for simple things. A family to be with on Christmas morning, the taste of warm cookies and milk after school. God put a deep longing in us for loving family. Closeness with God is founded in being a son comfortable with his father. Living as fatherless leaves us languid, without an inheritance, without emotional resources and opportunities that only fathers can give. How do we learn sonship?

Was dad there with acceptance and comforting love when I gave it my all but still struck out and my teammates sneered and scoffed? Did he rejoice with me when I worked hard and aced my final exam? When I wrecked the car and dad was upset, did I still know he was safe? Was dad’s love and authority a safe and warm place for my heart to rest?

Many of us had parents in the home, but their emotional absence or abuse left us feeling like orphans. Walking with God is about embracing a posture of sonship. It is more than loyalty and obedience, it is a heart responding to love, crying out, “Abba Father.” However, if you didn’t learn this growing up, how do you get there?

Daniel LaRusso grew up without a father. High school age, he moved from New Jersey to Los Angeles and promptly found himself being picked on. Enter Mr. Miyagi. He knew how to father, how to believe in someone who doesn’t believe in themselves. He knew how to see potential in Daniel and draw it out of him. Daniel gained the ability to risk because Miyagi gave him the fathering presence that was a sure emotional foundation to risk from. Daniel was able to risk fighting the Cobra Kai martial arts team, facing potential harm, with no guarantee of success. Many of you know this as the Karate Kid story, but the truth is, we all long for a spiritual father to believe in us.

To grow as a son you have to be willing to open your heart to a father. He won’t be perfect, he may not fit your perception of how a father does things, but he’ll change your life if you let him. Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel to be teachable, taught him to work hard and not ask questions. Daniel had to take on the posture of a son if he wanted the inheritance Miyagi offered.

Romans 8:14 says we have to be led (teachable) in order to be sons. Verse 15 says that by being led, the Spirit frees us of the fears that come from living in independence, fear of having to fend for ourselves because we can’t let a father be there for us. God gives us adoption to sonship wherein we cry Abba (Daddy) Father. Hebrews 12:8, 9 says it this way: if we can’t receive correction from Father, we are as illegitimate sons. No father equals no inheritance. Verse 9, If we can receive correction, we LIVE. God’s life flows through us. Back to Romans 8, verse 17 confirms this that when we live led, we get inheritance, we are heirs with Christ. We mature into what God has for us and make a difference in the world in the unique way God created us for.

1 John 4:20 says we don’t have in the spiritual what is not seen in the natural. In other words, if I have a heart of sonship toward God, you will see evidence of that in how I relate to spiritual fathers and authority figures, on earth. It starts with opening my heart, taking on the posture of a son. God has some Cobra Kai for you to fight. Will you take the risk?

Many of us have understood grace and the Father’s love, yet we struggle to walk in this daily. We so often get stuck in our fears, worries, frustrations, and irritations. But shining light on God’s heart can help us get moving again. Picture this:

“Daddy!” the little boy says as he runs, smiling, to hug his father returning from work. Both father and son feel joy and connection as they embrace. This “connecting” is attachment, which is simply the capacity for healthy emotional relationships.

The initial parent-child relationship develops our ability for attachment. The infant’s brain receives signals from the nurture of a loving mother – her holding, rocking, soft words, and smiles – and neural connections are made. In this way attachment grows. Attachment is the foundation of emotional health and maturity.

The Gospel
Adam’s fall was about independence and separation from God, the opposite of attachment. “I’ll get the knowledge of good and evil and then I can decide things on my own.” It would not be too much of a stretch to say that independence is at the root of all sin. Think of the younger and older brothers in the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. The younger self medicated, symbolizing, in a nut shell, the sins of the flesh. The older brother tried to strive, perform, and be good enough. There are the Pharisaical-type sins. In either case, both are in independence rather than loving relationship with God. Jealousy, gossip, competition, striving, addiction, most everything traces back to attachment pain.

Let’s Extrapolate
We have much more scientific understanding today of how the brain works in the area of relationship and what emotional health looks like. There can be many good neural connections for attachment or very few. If we combine this with the Biblical truth that we know, what do we get? A new light on the idea that God came to have relationship with us.

Attachment is at the crux of Christianity. God so loved that he gave. Jesus came to give us the ultimate gift of attachment, and then we are to give it away to the world. The more I connect daily with God’s love for me and walk that out in showing kindness to others, the more healthy I become and the more I express the heart of the gospel. But the more I get stuck in negativity, gossip, speaking ill of others, and fears, the more I build wrong structures in the brain and will struggle with being unhealthy emotionally.

Slave mentality statements say: “I can’t ever make a good grade in that class, the teacher just doesn’t like me.” “That person makes me so mad, how do they not understand the passing lane is for passing?” “My boss makes  me feel hopeless, he has no idea what it takes to do this job!”

What do all these statements have in common?

They declare that the power lies with others and a lack of sonship. Other people have the power to make me fail a class, make me angry, or even to make me feel hopeless. This is an outward locus of control. The location of control, or the power to determine a thing, lies with an another person or circumstance rather than with myself.

These are common struggles that get dealt with in Prayer Ministry and most everyone struggles with these at some level. Almost no one is able to always take initiative, to always take appropriate responsibility for their actions and their circumstances. Generally, the greater the shame base someone grew up with, the more they will struggle with being proactive, taking responsibility and living by core values rather than the opinions of certain others who are seen as the “one’s who really count.”

The Power of Being Teachable

This presents some crucial challenges to growth, especially to our ability to be teachable.

When power lies with others, life has a sense of randomness. We are never entirely sure if we are in or out of favor. To defend against this, we may take on suspicion, prejudice (opinion formed without knowledge or examination of facts), even intolerance, legalism, and control issues. So since the power lies with others, life really is unknown and unpredictable. And if this is true, what other “tools” are available to protect ourselves?

This has huge implications for being able to learn new things and grow. If we have no ability to take responsibility within ourselves, we are unable to learn new revelations and learn from our life experiences. We end up with the good/bad mentality, and acting as God’s policemen. We try and live by formulas rather than principles. There are whole ministries dedicated to pointing out how other ministries are “off.” There are Christians who have been saved for years but never experience any significant growth.

God wants to place tools in our hands as sons to possess our individual promised land. We really can shed these “Israel in the wilderness” mentalities and become sons who can fight successfully in the promised land.

Joe felt so disconnected, always on the outside, at work and school and church. As he was growing up his dad had never been around. There had never really been a man in his life to call forth his identity. Julie felt an almost continual low-level anxiety—constantly afraid things might fall apart. She had a sense of impending doom, a fear of financial disaster, or some grave illness or family crisis. It was so hard to believe God would be available to her.

Eph 3:14-15 (AMP) For this reason I bow my knees before the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, For Whom every family in heaven and on earth is named [that Father from Whom all fatherhood takes its title and derives its name].

Fathering, mothering, and family are all God’s idea and God’s design. Every little boy and little girl needs to know dad and mom love them, and be secure in that love. Children need a sense of connection and identity. They need to know they are supported in all the life skills they must acquire to grow up.

When these foundational elements are missing (connection, identity, and support), wounding often takes place. God’s plan is for a divine exchange to happen, where Christians shift from the family model their parents gave them, to connecting directly with God’s love. We should feel like sons in His family rather than orphans. Most all wounding is based right here in these three elements. Think about it. Any fears I have—anxieties over finances, health, family, destiny—are all rooted in a difficulty believing God will be there for me. It is orphan living.

All healing needs to be based in these three things as well. Finding a connection to God’s love, and having our identity in that rather than performance or independence, is what brings about healing. There is a safe place in His love for both emotional and physical needs.  Just forgiving those who hurt us or trying to get rid of pain should not be the goal. Having intimacy with God, learning to live a connected, Fathered life, daily walking in His love and in sonship, is what He wants for all of us.

By Robert

Dominion or Domination

I know of a martial arts instructor who has clearly mastered his art. Not too many could mess with this guy. He can also impart his knowledge to others in a life-giving way. He does not lord his knowledge over others, nor is he on an ego trip. He does not get threatened or feel inferior if a student does not learn quickly enough. He teaches, he imparts, he empowers.

Many of us remember the antagonist instructor in the movie the Karate Kid. He clearly was on an ego trip. It was not about the kids, it was about him. He was dominating, demeaning, and cruel.

These two styles of authority play out in many ways from business managers, educators, coaches, to even pastors and missionaries. I have met many missionaries who were on the field for all the wrong reasons. They were belittling toward the people group they worked with and arrogant toward other missionaries who “did not know as much as they did.”

Dominion through identity

Wounded people seek authority in order to dominate others. Basic emotional wholeness and a solid identity enable an individual to move into dominion that is life-giving to those under him. Healthy dominion is rooted in our identity and not in our authority. Our identity comes primarily from the way we were fathered.

Basic Trust

The way a father responds to his children builds identity in them. When the father has been diligent in establishing the child’s identity there is a freedom, wholeness, and willingness to risk.

Many people and ministries are struggling at this time in receiving their needed resources. I believe that for the childlike, the teachable, those who have not grown cynical and critical but can still be in awe of what God can do—fresh, out of the box ideas are coming like never before!

Where to Find Resources

We teach a series called “Living a Fathered Life, Going from Slavery to Sonship.”

Israel in the wilderness had a slavery mentality (no faith to try anything new, always gravitating to the negative, no awe of Father) and so could not enter the promised land. There is no inheritance for slaves.

In Luke15 the older brother complained, “You have never given me anything,” and the father said “Son, you own it all.”  The son was complaining because his father did not give him liquid assets, instant solutions. The father was trying to show him that he had given him so much more than that, something so much higher. So often in our prayers we are asking God for finished products, liquid assets – “God give us the money for this venture”; “God make my business or ministry successful, in Jesus name.”

How Sons Receive

However, God often deals with sons by giving them raw materials. The older brother could go out to the field and choose any goat he wanted, catch it when he wanted, butcher it, cook it, call his friends and have a party—anytime. There was no shortage of resources there, only a shortage of perspective.

Perspective

He could not see liquid assets and so thought he did not have any assets. The father said, “Son, you are a builder, you can put things together, you have been running my whole operation for years. You know how to put together a business plan and implement it. Help yourself, go take the raw materials and do what you want.”

Press In

Why not daily ask God to anoint your eyes, to show you raw materials instead of liquid assets. When I worked with the subsistence farmers of the Dominican Republic, I would continually be amazed at their resourcefulness. One time Tulio and I went up the mountain for some poles to build a back porch. He knew where to look to find just the right trees for the job. He found some vines nearby that he cut for rope. He looked around for what was needed. Here in the US we are addicted to the finished product. We have lost the understanding of how to be a builder like our farmer forefathers had.

Challenge – spend 30 days asking God to show you the raw materials that are already there and to coach you how to pray like a son instead of a slave. Instead of praying, “Give me the finished product,” pray, “God show me how to put together these raw materials in a way I have never seen before.”

(This material comes from Arthur Burk’s new teaching, “Social Entrepreneurs”)