Control and Release

Addiction
Samuel had an addictive relationship with exhibitionism. Since adolescence, he episodically and secretly caught women by surprise and exposed himself to them.

Denial
In his state of denial, Samuel had regarded each one of the hundreds of occurrences as an isolated loss of control.

Shame and Control
After each event, Samuel felt extremely shameful and self-hating and promised himself that he would never again engage in this behavior.

Samuel became a clergyman in hopes that a religious life would provide the control he consciously willed. In retrospect, the piety and intensified control in his life only seemed to make the secret release, when it came, that much more exciting and compelling.

Control and Release Cycle
The shame and fear he felt after each episode further intensified his fervor in controlling all aspects of his experience. Overtly he threw himself into working harder, longer hours, demanding more of himself and his colleagues, and being more critical of his wife and children. He lived with tension between the control that he consciously willed, and the release from it, which he found in his addiction.