By Robert
So Simple We Miss It
Remember TV shows like The Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, The Waltons, and Little House On The Prairie? In the typical story, one of the family members faces a challenge they think is too big to handle, or something happens where they get their feelings hurt. They wrestle with the problem, talk it out with the family, feel emotionally supported as they struggle with it, and find a way forward in a way that brings personal growth.
This seems simple enough; however, there are some very profound principles here.
Perfectionism and Abuse
“No son of mine will get grades like that.” “I can’t believe you acted that way.” “You better not
talk to your dad for a while; he’s not at all happy with you.”
There are definable characteristics of families that operate in a shame-base versus a respect-base manner of interaction. Perfectionism is one of them. With perfectionism there is no middle ground, something is either right or wrong, in or out. Perfectionism is a control behavior that uses shame. Anything can be under its scrutiny; eating, cleaning, school grades, personal grooming, having money and how it is used, even physical health are subject to the perfectionism standard. The individual’s worth as a person is always in question.
The three well-known characteristics of a dysfunctional, or shame-based family are: don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. In this environment, there is no learning about who we are, or personal growth, because it is not okay to make a mistake. If I happen to say the wrong thing, I get rejected and shamed. Nobody talks about what happened, what was going on in my heart that prompted my statement, nor is there any emotional support to work through what was in me.
A Respect-Based Family
With a respect-based family, people are free to make mistakes. There is a safe environment. Blame and talking about others faults is not condoned. There are still consequences for wrong actions and bad behavior, but they are handled in a way that does not take away the person’s dignity. The person is thus free to discover what their feelings were and what went wrong. Growth therefore is possible.
Healthy Emotional Awareness and Its Fruit
People that grow up in respect-based families reach their adult years and have some sense of knowing who they are. It was safe to feel their feelings, so they have a sense of what their strengths and weaknesses are. They were allowed t
o make mistakes, face consequences, and therefore learn some autonomy, therefore, they don’t struggle with a victim mentality. They have a “life is possible” outlook, and there is confidence to step out and try new things. They are not threatened by others that are different or who have opposing view points, nor are they afraid to hold their own view point when it goes against the tide, yet without needing to move into devaluing others.
This also has huge implications for the church. We have had an incredible amount of preaching based in the perfectionism standard. Consequently, not much growth has occurred. Some people who have been Christians 20 or 30 years still have “childish” issues they have not overcome. Christians often have little sense of who they are and what their calling is, let alone the hope in fulfilling it. The world often views us as condescending and sanctimonious, it is no wonder they have little interest in what we offer.
I truly believe in the coming years we will see an emotionally mature church, a spotless bride at Christ’s return. One who emotionally supports, loves, and respects all people.
Good morning Robert and Cyndi, I really enjoy your monday readings and find them insightful. They are a blessing for me. I struggle in a different area where as I was raised unrestricted as I reached my teen years and did not have the type of authority to rein me in from getting involved in the wrong areas of life. I find it difficult to learn that discipline that would have served me well as a young adult. It seems I still learn the hard way. I pray for a God to give me a new heart, I do a Bible study every morning, and I try to serve God at church in being invovled in praisers and the drama team. It seems I have a lack of confidence in my future and allow my hopes to be dash too easily. I feel I am too old and have made too many mistakes and that life has passed me by. I know the scriptures tell me that I am forgiven and that I can do all things thru the Lord Jesus that strengthens me. Yet I struggle in this area. I know that I have come along way but feel sometimes, ( alot of times ) that I should have made more progress by now. Cyndi, you once told me that I am a catipilar and that I am metemorhising? What more should I be doing to progress? God Bless Dave
Dave, first of all thanks for writing and being so transparent. I do believe you are metamorphosing, these things take time. You didn’t get where you are now in one week. It’s never too late for healing. There’s probably just a need to look at the root of things—-the “why” you’re where you are. More than likely there are some hidden core beliefs, some lies, that were embraced when you were young. Those have to be uprooted and replaced with God’s truth. Sometimes His truth doesn’t “stick” because there’s a lie there blocking it. Watch for this next week’s blog post. Call us if you need any help Dave. (904.270.9472)
I am sure I need some one on one counseling to as you pointed out to get to the root or core of what causes me to not have the confidence I need to move forward in God’s plans and purposes for my life. Even in my business life my confidence has been shaken. I do not know that I can afford to get the help from you that I need but i will speak with you about it and see if it is in my budget. Thanks Dave