How to be Free of Almost Anything

How to be Free of Almost Anything or Have You Got Shame?

Family Systems

Understanding shame is an absolutely huge key to freedom. In psychology, there is a concept called Family Systems. It is simply a consideration of a family’s patterns or “systems” of interaction with one another. For example, most of us would be familiar with the idea that in an alcoholic family everyone gets sick, not just the one drinking. But there are two core ways family members interact with one another: 1) on a foundation of respect, or 2) on a foundation of shame. The reality is that the majority of families have some mixture of both. What does this have to do with walking in freedom? Everything!  (Please see psychology footnote)

Respect vs. Shame

A respect base, in a nutshell, has to do with valuing one another’s opinions, rights, or personhood. Problems and conflicts do not result in attacking the other’s identity. Disagreements are talked out and resolution is found. A shame base mixes behavior and identity. It communicates insult-the person not only did wrong, but they are wrong! People communicate this in a thousand different ways. A key concept behind shame is that it treats a person as an object, disregarding their feelings, their personhood. Just as pornography treats a woman as an object, so relationship “cutoffs” (an expression of shame) treats any person as an object. Most families have some level of shaming interaction. Shame-based interaction supports and maintains all addictive and compulsive behavior, including drug, alcohol, and sex addiction, as well as struggles with overeating, overspending and even emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Intimacy

A relationship “cutoff” is when in any way my words or attitudes demean another, or any time I give someone the silent treatment. This communicates shame to the one receiving it. These little foxes are not so little. They do not just cut off general relationship, they cut off intimacy. The problem is that God created us for intimacy, and if we do not find it in legitimate ways, we will find it in illegitimate ways. This is why shame brings anxiety and loneliness, and drives us to fill that void with “something” (drugs, sex, food, money, control).

Learning to recognize shame does not solve all our problems but it does reveal to us where the problems lie. If we can see that we can see how to pray over it and get free.

Footnote

Psychology – “Psych” means soul and “ology” means the study of. Just as with biology or geology or any other science, things can be learned through observation and testing. This in no way implies that we can bypass the cross and blood of Jesus for any real help anyone can receive. However, the insights can be very useful in helping us understand how to apply the cross and the blood. Nowhere does the Bible claim to be an exhaustive study of man’s behavior. Just because the Bible does not explicitly spell out the concept of family systems does not mean we cannot glean some insight from the concept. The Bible also does not spell out the laws governing aerodynamics or the combustion engine either, but none of us contemplates ceasing to drive or fly. To hit a little closer to home, there is nowhere in the Bible where anyone ever prayed a sinner’s prayer.