The Nature of Obedience

July 22, 2010 By robert 2 Comments

By Robert

Absolute Thinking
“Adam and Eve should have been obedient to God.” “We need to humble ourselves and pray and turn from our wicked ways.” “God’s judgment is coming on America for all her wickedness.” These statements have some truth in them, and yet this line of thinking can miss a vital point.

Basic Trust
All abuse involves the crossing of boundaries. When I make a wrong statement and my dad backhands me, shame has just been communicated to me. Growing up, I was not free to think whatever I wanted. My opinions had no value unless they lined up with dad’s, and my physical space was not honored as I was slapped. This led me to the conclusion that something must be “wrong” with me– shame came.  Just as crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries communicates shame, the respecting of these boundaries communicates worth and dignity. When a person grows up with safety and value for their personhood, trust develops. Trust is the springboard of obedience. When I trust someone, I can open my heart to them and give myself to them.

Disobedience
All disobedience flows out of a misunderstanding and mistrust of God’s nature. God first of all values free choice, personhood. All intimacy flows from here. This does not mean in any way that there are not consequences for our actions–there are. But it does mean that God does not demean or shame us for our wrong thoughts, feelings, or choices. God is safe.

Filed Under: Emotions, Obedience, Personhood, Shame, families, self awareness Tagged With: acceptance, Boundaries, Obedience, Personhood, Shame

The Drawing of the Lord

July 17, 2010 By cyndi 4 Comments

By Cyndi

The other day I was reading through John 4 about Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well, and I saw such an intricate plan of God revealed in their conversations. First I noticed how Jesus gently engages with her, asking for a drink, and how He entices her with a riddle to prick her mind–”Sir, you have nothing to draw with…where do you get that living water?” He draws her in closer, explaining how wonderful this water is and how there is hope and life in it. She leans into His words.

But then He mentions the issue about her husband, or rather, husbands, and she goes into all kinds of diversions, hoping to avoid the true issue in her heart. She is living in denial, trying to ignore the giant love deficit in her life. It is extremely painful for her to look into her heart and really see what is there, yet Jesus’ mercy and kindness is so pure, she ventures in. He slowly exposes her, all the while tenderly showing His love, even in the midst of the ugliness–but truth–of her past. His compassion finally gets to the core of her being as she uncaringly leaves her water jar at the well and runs back into town.

In this story, the Lord draws this Samaritan woman to Himself and she feels true, unconditional love probably for the first time in her life. Her sins were uncovered, yet she felt a blanket of love around her. This great love gave her the courage to unmask herself to the point that she even tells others about Him, and how He can make them also feel such freedom.

This is such a wonderful example of how the Lord draws us. There are many times when I sense the Lord probing me. Sometimes I am in denial about issues in my life and I’m trying to avoid dealing with them. I don’t like feeling the pain so I stuff them into a corner of my heart with a “Do Not Disturb” sign over them daring anyone to bring up the matter.

But God is faithful to gently draw me to Himself, even as He did this woman. He unveils and exposes me, not to ridicule and shame me, but to cleanse me and heal me.

May we all be attentive to His drawing this week.

Filed Under: Emotions, Father's Love, emotional responsibility, self awareness Tagged With: acceptance, Father's Love, Gods goodness, Shame

Two Levels of Obedience

June 18, 2010 By robert 2 Comments

By Robert

Why do I speak kindly with my wife and show her patience? Is it just because it is the right thing to do? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to look like someone who is curt or angry. Maybe I fear God will be angry with me if I don’t. These types of responses all represent one level of obedience, actually a level where many of us live.

Empathy is higher.

A second level is a place where love compels us, not fear. We could say that this is “really” living. When we live and obey at this level, we have moved from a semi-depersonalized existence into agape. But to do this requires a developed personhood where I have value for my own thoughts and feelings first. I need to be in a place of feeling comfortable in my own skin, embracing and rejoicing in who God has made me to be—where issues of shame that have made me feel like an object have been resolved, and I’m walking in the dignity of being God’s child, fearfully and wonderfully made. It is then that I can express that to others.

Empathy: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Father's Love, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: acceptance, empathy, Father's Love, love, Personhood

No Points For Trying

June 5, 2010 By cyndi 6 Comments

By Cyndi

Do you ever feel like you have to live up to expectations that seem higher than you can fulfill? Do you live with pressure from others to perform to perfection, and if you don’t, you’re not accepted? Many of us live in daily stress, hoping to gain acceptance from what we do or don’t do.

Acceptance can come in many forms. It can be a promotion or an increase in pay at our job, a pat on the back from our coach, the words “Nice work!” written on the top of a page from a teacher, or a loving glance from our spouse.Whatever it might be, and from whomever it may come, each of us have a God-given need for acceptance. Unfortunately, the world teaches us we have to do something to get it. And not just do something, but do it right. That’s it—it’s either black or white, right or wrong—no points for trying.

My father used to have a saying: “Don’t tell me you can’t, tell me you’ll try.” I think he realized there were many things in life that seem like insurmountable obstacles, and just because you can’t get it right the first time, doesn’t mean you don’t get points for trying. History records multiple accounts of those who didn’t succeed the first time—Abraham Lincoln, Babe Ruth, Thomas Edison. Sometimes we will strike out many times before we will set any world records, but that doesn’t mean we should give up. We can learn from our failed attempts.

God accepts us whether we get things right or not. Oh, I believe He wants us to try—-(see James 1:3 & 1 Peter 1:7) -–and the “points” we get for trying are scored by our growth and maturity in the Lord. We have some high standards put before us, like the Ten Commandments, that seem higher than we can fulfill, but these have nothing to do with how much Father God loves and accepts us.

Our acceptance is not based on our performance, but on His love. 1 John 4:19 says, “He first loved us.” We are His children and He loves us simply because of who we are, not for what we do. But this doesn’t mean we should stop trying, but only try from the safety of knowing you are already loved and accepted just the way you are.

Filed Under: Christianity, destiny Tagged With: acceptance, Christianity

Connection, Identity, and Support

May 1, 2010 By robert 1 Comment

By Robert

Joe felt so disconnected, always on the outside, at work and school and church. As he was growing up his dad had never been around. There had never really been a man in his life to call forth his identity. Julie felt an almost continual low-level anxiety—constantly afraid things might fall apart. She had a sense of impending doom, a fear of financial disaster, or some grave illness or family crisis. It was so hard to believe God would be available to her.

Eph 3:14-15 (AMP) For this reason I bow my knees before the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, For Whom every family in heaven and on earth is named [that Father from Whom all fatherhood takes its title and derives its name].

Fathering, mothering, and family are all God’s idea and God’s design. Every little boy and little girl needs to know dad and mom love them, and be secure in that love. Children need a sense of connection and identity. They need to know they are supported in all the life skills they must acquire to grow up.

When these foundational elements are missing (connection, identity, and support), wounding often takes place. God’s plan is for a divine exchange to happen, where Christians shift from the family model their parents gave them, to connecting directly with God’s love. We should feel like sons in His family rather than orphans. Most all wounding is based right here in these three elements. Think about it. Any fears I have—anxieties over finances, health, family, destiny—are all rooted in a difficulty believing God will be there for me. It is orphan living.

All healing needs to be based in these three things as well. Finding a connection to God’s love, and having our identity in that rather than performance or independence, is what brings about healing. There is a safe place in His love for both emotional and physical needs.  Just forgiving those who hurt us or trying to get rid of pain should not be the goal. Having intimacy with God, learning to live a connected, Fathered life, daily walking in His love and in sonship, is what He wants for all of us.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Christianity, Counseling, Father's Love, sonship Tagged With: acceptance, Chrisitianity, connection, Father's Love, identity, sonship, support

Idiosyncrasies

March 7, 2010 By cyndi 7 Comments

By Cyndi

The other night I was helping my son study for a vocabulary test, and I have to admit, there were some words on the list that I didn’t know. But one which I did know was idiosyncrasy. What a great word. Isn’t it fun just to say it? It has a unique feel about it. I feel different just for saying it. The definition of it, according to dictionary.com, is “a characteristic, habit, mannerism, or the like, that is peculiar to an individual.” Hmm…I know a verse that mentions the word “peculiar,” 1 Peter 2:9—“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people…”

It is so interesting to see how diversified we all are. Each one of us has certain quirks and tell-tale signs that identify us. We have different likes and dislikes. We have our own marked style of how we talk, how we walk, how we dress, and how we eat. For example, take eating Oreo cookies. You will find multiple modes of what some say are the “right” way to do this. I know within my family there are at least three “best” procedures to eat them, and they all must include milk. However, the fact is, there is no right or wrong method, just your own.

One of my idiosyncrasies is how I put my shoes and socks on always left foot first. The order has to be left sock, left shoe, right sock, right shoe. I do not know why I do this, but I do. Just like I have always put my left earring on first before my right, and wear my watch on my right wrist instead of my left. I have some peculiar habits that make me who I am and not someone else.

God delights in our individuality. He created us in His image (Gen. 1:26), yet has given each one of us our own characteristics, distinguishing us one from another. We all develop unique habits and mannerisms that pertain solely to us, making us peculiar people. We are supposed to be diverse. Revel and enjoy your idiosyncrasies. You are special.

Filed Under: Father's Love, Rest Tagged With: acceptance, Father's Love, individuality, love

The Crossing of Emotional Boundaries

February 27, 2010 By cyndi 15 Comments

The other day Robert and I were going to go grab a bite to eat for lunch. He suggested a sandwich shop or a pizza place, but I was in the mood for Chinese food. After a brief discussion, we ended up getting Chinese take-out. I knew what I had wanted so I stated it clearly, but not demandingly. As we drove away, the Lord reminded me of some changes that have taken place in my life over the last few years.

There was a point in time where I could hardly make a decision on my own. If you would have asked me what I wanted to do, without thinking I would have replied, “I don’t care, whatever you want.” If you would have asked me where I wanted to go out for dinner, I would have replied, “I don’t care, wherever you want.” If you would have asked me what movie I wanted to see, I would again have replied, “I don’t care, whatever one you would like.” It wasn’t that I really didn’t care, though I thought so at the time, it was that I didn’t know what I truly felt. I didn’t take the time to think and ask myself those questions—I thought my point of view had no value.

My emotions had been pushed so far down in order to please others and “follow the rules,” that I had stopped considering what my own feelings were or what opinions I might have.  This happened because I allowed my emotional boundaries to be crossed—I had allowed others to tell me what I should think and feel.

Boundaries are where one thing stops and another thing begins.  Think about borders of countries or even a fence, for example—one area is separated from another.  In people, there can be physical, mental and emotional boundaries that define who we are, and who we are not. Whenever these lines are crossed without permission, it takes away from my personhood, blurring the point of what makes me, me and you, you.

If I agree with everybody and everything, changing my beliefs, opinions, and morals to morph with whomever I am with, then I am not defined. I become like a child, as Paul states in Ephesians 4:14, who is “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine.”

Others can influence me to the point where I really don’t know what I believe, nor why. My own personhood doesn’t get developed. I stop making decisions based on what I think or want because I’m more concerned with what others think or want. Eventually, for me, this led to believing that they really do know what’s best and that my views or impressions didn’t have any value or worth.  I didn’t set an emotional boundary that said, “You have a right to your likes and dislikes, and I have a right to mine.”

At times I still struggle to set boundaries with others, but knowing Father God sees me as a unique individual with value, and Who made me different from others for a reason, has given me great strength and courage to define myself.  My decision making has gotten better too. Now, if I say, “I don’t care, whatever you want,” then it’s because I already thought about it, and I truly don’t have a preference. Although Chinese food is one of my favorites.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Father's Love, authority Tagged With: acceptance, Boundaries, Father's Love

My Father’s Workshop

October 3, 2009 By cyndi 6 Comments

By Cyndi

When I was a little girl, I used to love to go out back into my father’s workshop. It was a separate building behind our house where he had a big table saw, a long place to work on and tools hanging on nails all along the walls. Sheets of plywood of all different sizes from various projects were leaning on one side of the room, and a cabinet with multiple boxes of nails, screws, washers and other things was mounted on the far corner.  Underneath the table my dad kept a bucket of scrap wood just for me.  I could use anything in it to pound nails into or create and build whatever I wanted. Sawdust was everywhere so I got a bit dusty at times, but I liked the smell of it.

I loved hanging out with my father “out back,” as we would say, because he was always working on something and I just liked being around him. It was fun. We built all kinds of things, everything from shelves for the hall closet to a deck around our above-ground pool. My job was usually the holder, you know, the one who holds the end of the board while it’s being sawed so it doesn’t break off and fall.  But for me it wasn’t so much about working on a project necessarily, it was about spending time together.

He would explain how all the different tools were used for different reasons, how sometimes it’s better to use screws instead of nails, how particle board is different from masonite, how sometimes you use fine sandpaper instead of rough, all that kind of stuff. One of my favorite things was using his chisel set to chisel out my name or some design in a piece of wood. He would show me how to gently tap it to make smaller dents or to use a thick one and hit it hard if I was taking a whole section out. It was a time of impartation, of communion. It was a time of sharing.

I often picture myself with Father God “out back” in a workshop. It’s not so much about what we’re working on—I have plenty of things in my life to work on, for sure—but it’s about having communion with Him. Sometimes I just read one or two scriptures and let Him explain it to me, like my dad did with the tools. Sometimes I pull thoughts or dreams from my “scrap bucket” and want to just create—thinking, talking, singing, joking—no real agenda. But that’s it—no real agenda. Simply fellowship. Much is imparted to me simply by being in His presence. We’re spending time together, and there are even moments when I think I smell sawdust.

Filed Under: Christianity, Father's Love Tagged With: acceptance, Chrisitianity, Father's Love, love

Who Am I?

June 28, 2008 By robert 4 Comments

By Cyndi

One of the phrases I used to use constantly was: “It doesn’t matter to me”. You could ask me if I wanted to go shopping or to the beach or whatever and that’s what I’d say. You could ask me where I wanted to go out to lunch or dinner or whether I wanted to take a break and that’s what I’d say-”Oh I don’t care, it doesn’t matter”.  What’s wrong with that? I came across to others as a real humble, selfless, caring for others type of person, but was I really? Maybe a little, but not totally. I didn’t realize I had given up my own identity a long time ago, and I really didn’t know what I wanted or felt. It wasn’t that it didn’t matter, but that I wouldn’t take the time to ask myself whether it did or not.

We all have a freedom of choice in most things. But I gave up my freedom to others, because what they thought of me, or what I thought they thought about me was more important than what I thought of me (got it?) As a child growing up, my parents of course expected me to behave, like most parents do. They were not harshly demanding or controlling but with my personality, I was what many would call the “compliant” child or the “peacemaker” in the family. I relinquished my rights to make decisions and found a much easier life in just letting others make decisions for me. Plus it made my family happy, my friends happy, even my enemies happy! And who doesn’t like to see others happy?

So as I got older I wasn’t sure who I really was. Who am I? What do I feel? What matters and doesn’t matter to me? Am I still what others want me to be, or can I take on my own identity? I can read what the Word says I am: I am the righteousness of God; I am the head and not the tail; I am God’s beloved child in whom He is well pleased. But what does all this really mean to me? How is the Word affecting my life and my actions? Well, who we are really depends on who we believe we are. For as a man thinks, so is he ( Prov.23:7 ). So what am I believing?

We do not need to understand ourselves before we can believe in ourselves. Belief comes first. “Understanding is the reward of faith”, says Aurelious Augustous.  As I began to believe in myself, what the Word said about me and to believe that Father God really does love me unconditionally, I allowed myself to start saying what I wanted or didn’t want regardless of what others thought. I started to take chances-to put myself “out there” to possibly fail or look bad, because it didn’t matter anymore, I knew I was loved whatever the end result was. I started to lead worship, to teach, to touch, to pray for others. I started to say what I would like for dinner or what I’d like to do-and as I did, I began to understand myself more. God began revealing to me who He really made me to be, what my unique calling and destiny was. He showed me how He made me unlike any one else, who has my own special gifting, personality, opinions and that it’s good being me! I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and it doesn’t matter what others say or think. I am constantly growing in my understanding and belief in what He says I am which empowers me more to live out my life for Him and not others.

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: acceptance, love