Absolute Thinking
“Adam and Eve should have been obedient to God.” “We need to humble ourselves and pray and turn from our wicked ways.” “God’s judgment is coming on America for all her wickedness.” These statements have some truth in them, and yet this line of thinking can miss a vital point.

Basic Trust
All abuse involves the crossing of boundaries. When I make a wrong statement and my dad backhands me, shame has just been communicated to me. Growing up, I was not free to think whatever I wanted. My opinions had no value unless they lined up with dad’s, and my physical space was not honored as I was slapped. This led me to the conclusion that something must be “wrong” with me– shame came.  Just as crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries communicates shame, the respecting of these boundaries communicates worth and dignity. When a person grows up with safety and value for their personhood, trust develops. Trust is the springboard of obedience. When I trust someone, I can open my heart to them and give myself to them.

Disobedience
All disobedience flows out of a misunderstanding and mistrust of God’s nature. God first of all values free choice, personhood. All intimacy flows from here. This does not mean in any way that there are not consequences for our actions–there are. But it does mean that God does not demean or shame us for our wrong thoughts, feelings, or choices. God is safe.

Crossing boundaries is like coloring outside the lines in a coloring book. The lines are what make the picture—they define it, express it, they reveal what it is supposed to look like. They help us learn to improve our coloring skills by giving us a framework to function within. Children scribble-scrabble with their crayons. Coloring books help them learn small motor skills, to control hand movements and train them to do what they desire. As youngsters mature, instead of haphazard strokes on a page, mindful and purposeful marks and colors are chosen to create a picture in the way they wish to express it.

Boundaries have a purpose in our lives; they define our picture, who we are. My boundaries, like the coloring book page, are a picture of what I will or will not do.  When someone tries to get me to do something I don’t want to, and they begin to push me, they have crossed my boundary. As I see it, they colored outside the line—my line. This might take the form of a spouse using the silent treatment, or someone using anger to manipulate or control me into doing something I have already said no to. If I am talking with someone and indicate I need to go, and they continue to draw me into conversation, they are coloring across my line.

Many times those who do not respect boundaries and scribble-scrabble over others are struggling with insecurity and fears of being rejected. They are still learning the “small motor skills” of self-control. Part of growing in our spiritual walk is understanding how to honor one another’s rights, choices, and feelings rather than randomly coloring all over the page. We also need the maturity to set loving boundaries with others in a way that still values them. By doing this, it helps us all mature and learn to color within the lines, freely expressing ourselves, yet respecting everyone else’s picture.

Last week’s article on “Personhood” defined abuse as crossing spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical boundaries. It is violating someone’s right to think what they think, feel what they feel, and choose what they choose. The act of crossing someone’s boundaries is inherently shaming in nature. Respecting another’s boundaries is honoring and valuing in nature. Everyone has experienced shame at some level. So when we have lived in abuse, what does it look like to move into freedom?

The first two squares in the graphic above represent shaming interaction. There is the “hot” or “active” side of abuse, including physical violations, emotional abuse, anger, and violence. Next is the “cool” or “quiet” side of abuse including threats to abandon, the silent treatment, relationship cutoffs, sarcasm and devaluing looks. Most abuse happens here with the occasional flare-ups into the hot side. Both active and quiet abuse can also include presumptions about someone’s thoughts or feelings, boundary invasions, and demeaning communication. Shaming interaction is failure to acknowledge another person.

Respectful interaction, the last two squares, is the opposite of shame; it involves engagement with one another as separate persons. It includes: expressing one’s thoughts and feelings, listening to each other, and acknowledging the interchange.

The calm box represents behavior which is decent, orderly, careful and conscious of form. People are nice to each other here, they listen respectfully, they do not intrude upon one another. Yet many families coming out of abuse get stuck here.

Real freedom happens as people move into the final phase of “hot” intimate interaction. Here there is room for unpredictability and spontaneity in the interaction. For people coming out of abuse, a sense of losing control can be quite scary. In the past, this meant someone was about to get hurt. They do not really have a model yet of respectful, spontaneous contact. They have to learn how to play, and have conflict, and engage with each other in respectful spontaneity.

Here the family is intimate and nurturing, playful. People interact with one another often and freely with an underlying knowing that everyone is respected. They have a flow which is less self-conscious or contrived. No one expects perfection. Mistakes are made, people get hurt and angry, yet everyone is accountable for their behavior. There is always a way back. Repair is expected and available and is brought into the dialogue of relationships. Many old television shows were based on this like The Brady Bunch, 7^th Heaven, and Little House on the Prairie.

In Bible school, another student once told me, “I don’t see anywhere in the Gospels where Jesus ever laughed.” I believe God has so much more for us than a careful, controlled life.

Fossum, Merle, Mason, Marilyn (1986). Facing Shame. Canada: Penguin Books

There was a point in time where I could hardly make a decision on my own. If you would have asked me what I wanted to do, without thinking I would have replied, “I don’t care, whatever you want.” If you would have asked me where I wanted to go out for dinner, I would have replied, “I don’t care, wherever you want.” If you would have asked me what movie I wanted to see, I would again have replied, “I don’t care, whatever one you would like.” It wasn’t that I really didn’t care, though I thought so at the time, it was that I didn’t know what I truly felt. I didn’t take the time to think and ask myself those questions—I thought my point of view had no value.

My emotions had been pushed so far down in order to please others and “follow the rules,” that I had stopped considering what my own feelings were or what opinions I might have.  This happened because I allowed my emotional boundaries to be crossed—I had allowed others to tell me what I should think and feel.

Boundaries are where one thing stops and another thing begins.  Think about borders of countries or even a fence, for example—one area is separated from another.  In people, there can be physical, mental and emotional boundaries that define who we are, and who we are not. Whenever these lines are crossed without permission, it takes away from my personhood, blurring the point of what makes me, me and you, you.

If I agree with everybody and everything, changing my beliefs, opinions, and morals to morph with whomever I am with, then I am not defined. I become like a child, as Paul states in Ephesians 4:14, who is “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine.”

Others can influence me to the point where I really don’t know what I believe, nor why. My own personhood doesn’t get developed. I stop making decisions based on what I think or want because I’m more concerned with what others think or want. Eventually, for me, this led to believing that they really do know what’s best and that my views or impressions didn’t have any value or worth.  I didn’t set an emotional boundary that said, “You have a right to your likes and dislikes, and I have a right to mine.”

At times I still struggle to set boundaries with others, but knowing Father God sees me as a unique individual with value, and Who made me different from others for a reason, has given me great strength and courage to define myself.  My decision making has gotten better too. Now, if I say, “I don’t care, whatever you want,” then it’s because I already thought about it, and I truly don’t have a preference. Although Chinese food is one of my favorites.