Family Rules

November 23, 2011 By 4 Comments

By Robert

Way too often people go through life with no real idea why they value what they value, why they have the views they do, or why they have such a tendency to respond to life in certain ways.

It has taken me awhile to understand the concept of family rules. Yet as I got a hold of the concept, I found it to be quite simple. The basic idea is to discover the unspoken rules of your family system growing up because these rules have shaped us in many ways. But what are these rules, and how do you discern them?

It helps me to think in terms of what parents valued versus what they did not value. This could be as simple as comments about something. “Look at that kid’s hair, no wonder he’s in trouble.” Or, “Look at that guy’s work ethic, no wonder he’s prospered.” It could be what we were disciplined over versus what was winked at. “We will not tolerate lying,” maybe was said before a spanking; yet, maybe there was no real concern with who I hung out with or who I dated.

We can have a tendency to look at discovering our unspoken family rules as finding all the things that were wrong and ignoring the positives of our upbringing, yet, most families were a mix of the good and bad. My dad was an alcoholic and there were hurtful things communicated; never-the-less, he had an amazing ability to simply try things and take on challenges without fear.

When I was only eight-years-old my dad came home with a motorcycle and simply said, “Get on and ride,” with no apparent doubt I couldn’t do exactly that. And I did! I had great fun on that motorcycle. He also would just start a business and somehow know it would work. Years later when it came time for me to move to the mission field, I believe that it was this freedom to simply step out and try something, that my dad modeled for me, that gave me a faith to move to another culture and language and job description that would have an incredible steep learning curve.

We cannot help but to take on some of our parents values as well as despise some of their other ones. This can include views on politics, religion, economic status, fashion, education, social conduct, disciplining of children, and so forth.

Discovering these “rules” and working through them can have a profound impact on our lives. Our families affect us whether we acknowledge that or not. We all have conduct received by tradition from our fathers, (1 Peter 1:18). Ways that I am not differentiated from my family will come out in my interaction with others later in life, and we can choose to embrace the good values our parents modeled for us while coming to terms with the not-so-good.
This involves growing in empathy toward our parents’ shortcomings, freeing us to choose something new. This differentiating requires some work, some journaling, some talking things out, but it is well worth it.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, families, life skills Tagged With: , , ,

The Adventures of Super Fuzz

October 23, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

I was thinking back about how, when I was a child, our family used to take road trips all the time. My sister and I would sit in the back seat, she (the elder) with her drawing pad and me with my stuffed animals, sound effects and silliness. These were the days before built-in DVD players in cars, computer tablets, smart phones, Game Boys, portable CD players and, yes, even before “Walkmans.” (Such a dark age compared to today.) All we had were road games and our imagination. And our imaginations were pretty lively.

On one such trip, us two girls in the back seat came up with a comic-strip character: Super Fuzz, a super-hero cat who could do amazing antics. My sister would draw as we developed the feline’s traits and devised stories of brave and courageous adventures. I was always writing something when I was younger…stories, poems, songs. Who would have thought back then that one my main jobs would be writing when I grew up?

We never know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future, as the cliche´goes. But it’s true. I felt like the Lord just wanted me to write an encouraging word about not giving up. We all have dreams or something we want to accomplish, whether it be getting married, having a baby or becoming a famous actor. The choices are wide open. I know we can feel trapped or limited by those circumstances and persons around us, but God has no limits or boundaries. He is outside, above and over all!

My favorite verse since I was 10 has been Phil. 4:13 – ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Don’t let someone tell you what you can’t do, let God tell you what you can do. Keep looking for that job, keep practicing your scales, your pirouettes; keep saving to get out of debt, keep exercising and eating right. Whatever it may be, keep believing. Ask for His strength. Let your imagination run wild. You never know what the future holds. You may become a writer, a musician, a pastor, an investor, a grandma, a coach, a politician, a painter, a business owner, an architect, a chef, a father. There are so many options and phases in life.

You could even be a super-hero comic-strip cartoonist. Feed your dreams with the Word. Let God be your guide and director of your affairs. Don’t give up. Choose to be like the character my sister and I created, Super Fuzz, and have adventures and live fully.

Filed Under: Personhood Tagged With: , ,

If You’re Happy and You Know It

May 9, 2010 By 3 Comments

By Cyndi

Are you happy? If so, are you showing it? What is happiness based on anyway? It could be wealth, health, family, or a job—to name a few things. Happiness can be determined by how nice a vacation you had, or what size house you have. Maybe your son or daughter getting accepted in a specific college would make you happy. Maybe driving a nicer car or having a brand new flat-screen TV would boost your happiness level up a notch. But does your happiness have to depend on external things?

I remember one day, several years ago, when we were living in the Dominican Republic. I was at the kitchen sink bleaching out fresh lettuce, rinsing it for the third time, looking around at my unfinished cabinets with no doors, through the iron bars in the windows at the clothes hanging on the line outside. Day-to-day life took a lot more work down here, I’d thought. Dust constantly blew in through the open windows of the house, the electricity would randomly go off—we never knew when or for how long. Our groceries had to be bought at the market in town, where you would weave in and out of about four city-blocks worth of little stalls, and I was homeschooling my son. Oh, and there was all the ministry things to do too. But that day, standing in my bleach-stained T-shirt and incomplete kitchen, an overwhelming sense of happiness came over me. I was living with less “things,” making less money, but truly satisfied with my life.

Now, we live back in the states and I try to remind myself of that particular day, especially when I start feeling unhappy and dissatisfied. I remind myself that happiness can come from very simple things. It can come from reading a book, listening to rain, or taking a walk. It can come from watching my son play soccer, fluffing up my cat, or singing songs at church. Laughter, gratitude, friends, family—all these things make me happy.

So what makes you happy? I mean, really happy. That deep down in your core happy. I encourage you to find out. It may be something simple like enjoying time with your family, lying under the stars at night, watching a sunset with your spouse, or having lunch with an old friend. We can choose to be grateful for the things we do have, and not focus on what we don’t.

God has given us a free will to choose and make decisions for ourselves. We can make a choice to be happy and grateful, even when the entire world around us is down and depressed. Being thankful is a choice. If you’re happy and you know it, show it. Happiness can be contagious—catch it and spread it around.

Filed Under: Christianity, families, happiness Tagged With: , , ,

The Blank Page and the Goodness of God

November 20, 2009 By 5 Comments
Ah, the proverbial blank page. Now they are on computer screens so you cannot crumple them up when they have only one or two lines of dead ideas that are getting you nowhere and toss them purposefully to the trash can.  At least then you could have racked up some points.  But this morning as I open up my Word document to a glaring white rectangle staring at me, I must testify of the goodness of God.
blank page
Last night as my son was heading into the computer room to work on an English paper, it violently occurred to him that he forgot to bring home the article he was supposed to write about.  His mood turned frantic, as this was an important paper, and he tried to think of all the ways possible to do it, but no one could help, so he might as well hope for the best and turn it in a day late. He never even got to the blank page.

Now is the part where the goodness of God comes in. As he conceded to his fate and I began washing the dishes it occurred to me that this article might possibly be on the internet. I relayed my idea to him, he quickly searched the web, joyfully found said article, and began writing his paper.

I continued washing the dishes smiling within at how full of loving-kindness Father God is. Oh, how He reveals things to me and guides me in such little things. Sometimes it is just simple help with my son’s homework, but His goodness is immeasurable.

And now this blank page in front of me has been filled. I could easily take many more words and use innumerable adjectives to describe how wonderful and caring my Father is, but it would probably be better if you opened up your own blank page and started yourself.

Filed Under: Christianity, faith, Father's Love Tagged With: , ,