Biblical Attachment

June 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Many of us have understood grace and the Father’s love, yet we struggle to walk in this daily. We so often get stuck in our fears, worries, frustrations, and irritations. But shining light on God’s heart can help us get moving again. Picture this:

“Daddy!” the little boy says as he runs, smiling, to hug his father returning from work. Both father and son feel joy and connection as they embrace. This “connecting” is attachment, which is simply the capacity for healthy emotional relationships.

The initial parent-child relationship develops our ability for attachment. The infant’s brain receives signals from the nurture of a loving mother – her holding, rocking, soft words, and smiles – and neural connections are made. In this way attachment grows. Attachment is the foundation of emotional health and maturity.

The Gospel
Adam’s fall was about independence and separation from God, the opposite of attachment. “I’ll get the knowledge of good and evil and then I can decide things on my own.” It would not be too much of a stretch to say that independence is at the root of all sin. Think of the younger and older brothers in the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. The younger self medicated, symbolizing, in a nut shell, the sins of the flesh. The older brother tried to strive, perform, and be good enough. There are the Pharisaical-type sins. In either case, both are in independence rather than loving relationship with God. Jealousy, gossip, competition, striving, addiction, most everything traces back to attachment pain.

Let’s Extrapolate
We have much more scientific understanding today of how the brain works in the area of relationship and what emotional health looks like. There can be many good neural connections for attachment or very few. If we combine this with the Biblical truth that we know, what do we get? A new light on the idea that God came to have relationship with us.

Attachment is at the crux of Christianity. God so loved that he gave. Jesus came to give us the ultimate gift of attachment, and then we are to give it away to the world. The more I connect daily with God’s love for me and walk that out in showing kindness to others, the more healthy I become and the more I express the heart of the gospel. But the more I get stuck in negativity, gossip, speaking ill of others, and fears, the more I build wrong structures in the brain and will struggle with being unhealthy emotionally.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love, sonship Tagged With: , , ,

Keeping My Heart

May 27, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

Prov. 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  

Most of us haven’t fully realized that:
1. Walls around our hearts are deadly.
2. Living open-hearted is the key to all good things.

It’s almost acceptable to be in a worry state, and we even show compassion to it. Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan states that we cannot comfort a fearful dog, as that may actually encourage his fear. We must lead him, give him confidence. Maybe there is a principle here for us as well.

Every struggle common to man starts with our hearts going “off-line” for some reason. I may have been triggered by some disappointment or betrayal, or perhaps a loss of some sort. This could have been big or small. Never-the-less, I lose connection with God and it causes me to seek comfort in wrong things, counterfeit affections. All struggle with addictions is rooted here. All issues of self-discipline and initiative lie here. The problem is not in my willpower, my faith, or my strength; it is in the awareness of what is happening in my heart and why. It is a very simple concept, yet a very big deal.

Moving into worry, anxiety, agitation, or impatience are signs my heart is closing. Here are a few more signs:
1. Are the lines at the grocery store or the heavy traffic driving me crazy today?
2. Have I replayed in my head a conversation or situation that pained me, or one that hasn’t even occurred yet?
3. Do I just want to get away from everyone and everything?
4. When others are talking, am I already figuring out what to say before they even finish?

Keeping my heart online determines everything, “for everything you do flows from it.” Understanding that we can learn to recognize emotions as they happen, both in ourselves and others, empowers us to respond in positive ways rather than in destructive ways. Living open-hearted in God’s love is the secret ingredient to fulfilling all our dreams. It is where healthy relationships are built, where creativity and initiative flow, and it is the place of rest and belonging where we don’t need false comforts or counterfeit affections.

Best of all, “keeping my heart” is a skill everyone of us can develop. We can learn what to look for, how to grow in our awareness, and learn what to do to get back “on-line.”

 

Robert Hartzell is the primary life coach and prayer minister at Fountains of Life. For more information or to set up a free consultation go to www.fountainsoflife.org.

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love Tagged With: , , , , ,

Tending My Garden– Emotional Responsibility

May 11, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Emotional awareness is a learned skill. Many things can sprout up in our hearts; little foxes can come in and ruin our vineyard. Learning to recognize and be responsible with our emotions is a huge key in spotting them. This is part of having emotional intelligence. Many people have no idea of what is actually happening in their hearts. They are living in “numb-numbville” through counterfeit affections, as Jack Frost would say. God has a better way.

Cyndi has a great example: “The other day I felt restless and bored all afternoon. I often took breaks, going to the kitchen and opening the food cabinets looking for a snack; I was checking my email and Facebook repeatedly, just looking for ‘something’ to make the bored feeling go away. Finally, I tried journaling my emotions and telling God what I was feeling. Connecting with God’s presence helped some, however, something was still trying to shut my heart down and make me want to eat junk food. Eventually, I realized it all started when a contractor came by to give us an estimate and the house wasn’t as clean as I would’ve liked. This triggered feelings of failure and insecurity in me. Finding the source then enabled me to give it to God.”

Consider these verses:
Song 1:6, 2:15, 4:12-14… they made me the keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept. Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom. A garden enclosed is my sister, my spouse… Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits, fragrant henna with spikenard, spikenard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense, myrrh and aloes…

The heart is like a garden – there are plants that bring forth fruit with wonderful life-giving nutrients but also weeds can pop up unawares. It is our job to know what is happening in the garden of our heart and to keep it well tended.

Every relational conflict, every craving, is connected to our hearts shutting down because of unrecognized emotional triggers. Knowing ourselves – awareness – is the answer to every problem – food, habits, lack of motivation, fear of failure, relational breakdowns…everything. This is the key to learning to work with yourself rather than fight yourself.

Our emotions are there for a reason. Honoring them and working with them rather than fighting and suppressing them makes a huge difference in how we walk out our lives. As the example with Cyndi shows, emotional awareness is a skill that can be developed.

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, life skills Tagged With: , , , , ,

Striving Is About Shame

May 8, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Years ago I was on a sales call with a friend. We were meeting an executive at a trucking company my friend knew. I was expressing fear: “Do you think he’ll get mad we didn’t call first?” “If he seems too busy, we can just leave some information with his secretary.”

My friend finally said, “It’s not that delicate.” That phrase turned a light on for me. I wasn’t even aware of the fear I was experiencing. I hadn’t realized my stress and lack of rest.

So often I have been afraid of saying the wrong thing in front of people I considered important. My turmoil would lead to inward striving. This fear made it hard to step out and try things. It’s made it hard to be comfortable in my own skin and simply be at rest.

Striving is about shame, an inner feeling of inferiority; that something is bad, wrong, flawed about me. This shame shows up when I’m trying to do a given thing and I feel it is not okay to make a mistake or fail because if I do, my self-worth is in question. But if I can see these dynamics–how shame leads to fear and striving–then there is hope. God is able to comfort me and love me out of them (I John 4:18–perfect love casts out fear). God really does have a life of rest available for us!

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Prayer Ministry, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Failures Are Not Permanent

April 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

There are times where it’s good to look back and reflect on life. Ruminating over what you’ve been through, how you’ve grown, how you’ve changed. Seeing Divine Providence working in our families, our jobs, our situations. Kids grow up, friends and relatives pass on, we move to from place to place. As we do this reminiscing, there may be some things that we may glance at and feel a twinge of pain–that feeling of remorse or regret.

No One Lives a Perfect Life
In pondering our lives’ mistakes, we can get into the “I wish”s. You know what I mean. “I wish I would have taken more time with my kids.” “I wish I would have never moved away for that job.” All of those experiences that we did or didn’t do.

I was feeling this way about a few things not too long ago and while reading a Dave Ramsey book on finances, I ran across this statement: “Failure is not permanent.” I knew this. I had heard all the stories of Thomas Edison’s process of inventing the light bulb, of Abraham Lincoln trying to get elected, and Babe Ruth’s phenomenal baseball records. I knew you had to strike out a bunch of times before you got home runs. But all of a sudden, God illuminated this statement and a deeper revelation came to me.

Training Wheels
It’s not just about falling off a bike while trying to learn how to ride. It’s not just about investing in the wrong stock at the wrong time or filing for bankruptcy. It’s about everything! God knows we are not perfect (do we?). But we are supposed to learn from our mistakes and use them to help us grow and mature. Take some time to really look at those doosies and see why we did or didn’t do whatever it was. Check our motives, check our boundaries.

Let It Go
And as we search through our rubble, just like in the book of Nehemiah, God will use the very mishaps and failures we made for something good. He can build with that rubble and those broken pieces. Rom. 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” So to allow God to work it for good, we have to let go of the grief. Jesus bore our sorrows on the cross so we don’t have to. Take them off of your shoulder and put them on His, then look for the treasure you’ve gained from them. The past is passed. Release it, let it go, and grow from it. Keep pressing on towards the mark; failures are not permanent, they are foundations to built on.

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Prayer Ministry, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Army of the Healed Broken

March 24, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Compensation
God’s divine power has given us all things that pertain unto life and godliness. 2 Pet.1:3

I grew up in a broken home. My dad was an addict, angry, and abusive. I had a very limited support system for knowing how to succeed socially, academically, or financially.

In 2003 I found myself teaching 100 pastors from Cambodian villages about Father God’s love. A pastor had come with me to Cambodia to share the teaching load and he was having some trouble connecting to the people. Even though I didn’t speak their language, I was very much connecting with them; they all had come from broken homes like me. Not 50%, like in the US, but all of them had been abandoned by their dads or abused by them. Also, because I had pastored a church in a poor area of the Dominican Republic, I understood their circumstances and how they lived. I knew how to teach principles of God’s word to people with little or no formal education. My life experiences had perfectly equipped me for this situation.

God had compensation for me; He had given me all I would ever need for life and godliness. Not just for overcoming my past but for fulfilling my destiny. And here’s some great news. Everyone of you reading this also has compensation from God. You may not have discovered it or unpacked it yet, never-the-less it is there. God has given to you all things that you need for life and godliness.

Beauty for Ashes
If you consider the stages of grief, the final stage is finding some good out of the loss. For example, a mother who lost her teenager to a drunk driver founded MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. The most meaningful core values in our lives are often derived out of the most substantial pain we have gone through.

The Army of the Healed Broken
I have the privilege of working daily with people that grew up in some really broken homes. These are often the bravest people I’ve ever met. Many of them have a real passion for God that isn’t always seen in those who grew up in healthy families. What’s exciting is that as these people overcome the abuses they’ve experienced, they are uniquely equipped to help others that have been through similar things.

This is very exciting to me. I believe there will be one last great harvest of souls. I believe this is what the ends times are about, not God vindicating His bruised ego. I don’t believe God has issues with inferiority or rejection. I believe the end times are about God’s final outpouring of His incredible love to see as many saved as possible before the conclusion of the age. This will require an army of people that have worked through their own wounding and know how to help others. We live in a generation where the dark is getting darker. Kids are growing up in single parent homes with video games as their nannies. Yet as the dark gets darker, the light also increases. We are seeing huge advances in how to bring God’s healing to people and I believe it will become as main stream as the grace message did in the ’80s and ’90s.

Filed Under: Father's Love, Leadership Coaching Tagged With: ,

A Picture of Undeveloped Relationship Skills

March 18, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

I came across an interesting quote concerning what happens to those who grow up in and live with abuse.
“Both the tyrant and the victim in the system have a very limited sense of themselves as persons, inadequate development of relationship skills, and no understanding of the nuances of intimacy.”

This sums up nicely what emotional and spiritual maturity looks like.

Limited Sense of Self
Do I have a sense of being secure, that basically I’m safe, that my rights will be respected, my boundaries of thought, feeling, choice, and physical space will be honored? Or, do I constantly fear rejection and have an “us versus them” mentality and walk in a constant low level suspicion?

In feeling safe, do I have a sense of my strengths and weaknesses? Am I free enough to be in a learning relationship with God and life? Or, is everything either right or wrong, good or bad, in or out and so everything has a box I quickly apply? The Pharisees lived like this, so insecure they sought to take all of the “unpredictable” out of life with their laws for everything. This makes it impossible to ever learn or grow.

Inadequate Relationship Skills
With no sense of my own self, no sense of ways I’m growing and needing to grow and making proactive choices toward growth, it becomes hard to relate well with others. If I see everything as either “in or out,” then I’m going to treat you that way also. If it feels like there is something inadequate or shameful in me if I don’t know something or haven’t learned something, I will apply that same perfectionism to you. I will have little ability to live and let live, to flow with the currents of life.

Nuances of Intimacy
All the latest studies, especially in the area of brain development, point toward intimacy in relationships as being the foundation to emotional and spiritual health. When I can live connected to God and man there is a sense of grounding. I can risk loving and living and trying new things. I can flow with the give and take of relationship without being overly insecure. My sense of being loved and valued grows as well as my ability to be life-giving and self-sacrificing to my community around me.

God shows Himself as loving and safe and highly valuing of freedom. Jesus said the father gave the inheritance to the prodigal son knowing he was making wrong choices. He didn’t force his will upon his son. Father sent Jesus for us while we were yet in sin, yet making wrong choices. God didn’t fear rejection and didn’t seek to control our freedom. He so loved that He gave. If we are insistent on going to hell, God will let us. However, love awaits us if we simply choose to receive Him. He will never leave us; we are safe in His love. He gives us dignity, a place in His family. God gives us the love and security we need to grow into healthy intimacy.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Evaluations and Comparisons

March 11, 2011 By 4 Comments

By Cyndi

Sometimes I find myself evaluating and comparing everything to something or someone else: my appearance, my house, my finances, my car. And then there’s church. I evaluate the message, the worship, the temperature in the building…you get the idea.
But evaluating and being evaluated by others results at worst in fear and at best in conditional love.

I went to the grocery store the other day and the cashier was going a bit slower than I would have liked her to, so I broke out my evaluation meter in my head. I rated her on a scale of 1-10, thinking she’s about a 3 or 4.  Now did I think she felt the “meter reading”? Probably through my non-verbal communication. Depending on how secure she was, she might have even feared my judgment and disapproval. In my mind, she was “failing” at doing her job. However, if my acceptance of her is based on how well she executes her task, that’s conditional love, and that’s not reflecting the Father’s heart to those around me.

So why do I do this? Why does my evaluation meter come out all the time looking at everything through some sort of a “good/bad-could be better/could be worse” kind of a measurement? It’s like I have a need to weigh the whole universe and everything in it! What it came down to is not what is “out there,” but what is “in there” in my heart. And looking into my heart can be scary at times, because I don’t always like what I find.

And what I usually find is shame–hiding behind lies and ungodly beliefs that have convinced me that I will never measure up, be accepted for who I am, or loved unconditionally. If I compare myself to others, that puts me in the role of the judge, a very lofty place. I can be the one who determines the standard. But God is the only Righteous Judge. My evaluations only reveal the shame and insecurity that are still hidden deep within me.

So the Lord convicted me, then challenged me. After repenting and uprooting a few core lies, Father asked me to put away my evaluation meter. He asked me to try to walk without measuring anything, just accepting things for what they are. The driver in front of me, the service of the waitress, the songs we sing in church, even what I’m wearing (I’m not even worrying if it makes me look fat). He wants me to live in peace, letting go of all comparisons, and just reflect His unfailing love.

Filed Under: control, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

Legalism or Intimacy

March 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Fasting
Around a year ago I was attempting a season of fasting and not doing very well with it. A friend pointed out to me how hard I was being on myself instead of accepting where I was at with it, focusing on what progress I was making and seeing what I could learn about myself from the experience.

Shame and condemnation lead to control (being hard on myself). Romans 7:5 says it is law (control) that stirs up the sinful passions of the flesh. Control takes many forms, two prominent ones are 1) being critical and 2) being a perfectionist.

Control Issues
Understanding that legalism is the biblical word for control issues can open up our understanding. We too often have a narrow definition of legalism, considering it in its “hyper” form only. I had a simplistic view that law was bad and grace was good. What I didn’t fully get was that law was a response to my feelings of inadequacy.

However, simply “having grace” on myself was not a full answer either. I can choose not to beat myself up over a poor diet and lack of exercise; never the less, the consequences of heart disease, type II diabetes and many other things will likely occur. I can give myself a break for getting angry in traffic, however, it is still a behavioral pattern that impedes intimacy. I can say I’ve had a long day and decide it is okay to watch hours of TV, however, a prayer-less life that involves little learning of new things has consequences.

Intimacy
The Father’s love really is the answer. But not some amorphous belief He really, really loves me. If it hasn’t touched my shame and control issues, it hasn’t gone deep enough. I had viewed my fast as an “all or nothing” proposition (perfectionism). In this scenario, I was unable to walk in meekness. I was too focused on how I was failing (critical), so there was no room for being in a learning relationship with life.

Intimacy occurs when I can embrace where I’m at and allow God to teach me what I need to learn in order to grow. I’m not beating myself up nor hiding from my pain in “grace.” I’m facing my issues a step at a time in Father God’s love.

Filed Under: control, Father's Love, Leadership, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

Non-Verbal Statements

February 18, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Cyndi

We’ve all made them and we’ve all picked up on them from others. Non-verbal statements. Our eyes, our facial expressions, our arms, our stance, all have ways of communicating without words. And they can make statements about ourselves.

Not making eye contact with someone or even dropping your head down when others approach can be a non-verbal way of expressing shame or a sense of unworthiness about yourself. Keeping your arms wrapped around you or clinching your fist can be signs of anxiety or tension. Our bodies know what we believe. We are a triune being, spirit, soul, and body, so what happens in one area will naturally affect the others.

Many of us are not aware of what we are “saying” with our body language. As a parent I may verbally agree to something my son wants, yet he looks at me with that, “Are you sure?” look, and I notice my eyebrows are furled and my arms are folded with a defensive posture. If I would take a moment to feel for a little while, I would notice that my heart really needed more time to think about this proposition before giving my consent to it. My body expressed better than my words what my heart already knew.

What about meeting new people at church or at a friend’s house? What is our non-verbal communication saying there? Are we walking around stating we are loved by the King of kings and Lord of lords, that Father God, the Creator of the universe is our loving Daddy, and that the Spirit of God is alive and dwelling in us? Or do we hide alone in a corner not wanting to talk to anyone, hoping everyone will ignore us and not find out who we are.

Now I realize we each have different personalities that God gave us, and I’m not saying we all have to be these boisterous, loud, outgoing party people. What I am trying to communicate here (and if I could physically see you I would be looking directly into your eyes) is that you are so special to God and His thoughts towards you are only good ones (Jer. 29:11). He made you the way He wanted to. You are not a mistake or an accident. Receive His love and reflect it in how you think about yourself. Hold your head high, smile your brightest smile, open your arms to hug those around you. Say it non-verbally: “I am a treasured child of God!”

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , ,
« Older Posts
Newer Posts »