Failures Are Not Permanent

April 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

There are times where it’s good to look back and reflect on life. Ruminating over what you’ve been through, how you’ve grown, how you’ve changed. Seeing Divine Providence working in our families, our jobs, our situations. Kids grow up, friends and relatives pass on, we move to from place to place. As we do this reminiscing, there may be some things that we may glance at and feel a twinge of pain–that feeling of remorse or regret.

No One Lives a Perfect Life
In pondering our lives’ mistakes, we can get into the “I wish”s. You know what I mean. “I wish I would have taken more time with my kids.” “I wish I would have never moved away for that job.” All of those experiences that we did or didn’t do.

I was feeling this way about a few things not too long ago and while reading a Dave Ramsey book on finances, I ran across this statement: “Failure is not permanent.” I knew this. I had heard all the stories of Thomas Edison’s process of inventing the light bulb, of Abraham Lincoln trying to get elected, and Babe Ruth’s phenomenal baseball records. I knew you had to strike out a bunch of times before you got home runs. But all of a sudden, God illuminated this statement and a deeper revelation came to me.

Training Wheels
It’s not just about falling off a bike while trying to learn how to ride. It’s not just about investing in the wrong stock at the wrong time or filing for bankruptcy. It’s about everything! God knows we are not perfect (do we?). But we are supposed to learn from our mistakes and use them to help us grow and mature. Take some time to really look at those doosies and see why we did or didn’t do whatever it was. Check our motives, check our boundaries.

Let It Go
And as we search through our rubble, just like in the book of Nehemiah, God will use the very mishaps and failures we made for something good. He can build with that rubble and those broken pieces. Rom. 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” So to allow God to work it for good, we have to let go of the grief. Jesus bore our sorrows on the cross so we don’t have to. Take them off of your shoulder and put them on His, then look for the treasure you’ve gained from them. The past is passed. Release it, let it go, and grow from it. Keep pressing on towards the mark; failures are not permanent, they are foundations to built on.

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Prayer Ministry, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Army of the Healed Broken

March 24, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Compensation
God’s divine power has given us all things that pertain unto life and godliness. 2 Pet.1:3

I grew up in a broken home. My dad was an addict, angry, and abusive. I had a very limited support system for knowing how to succeed socially, academically, or financially.

In 2003 I found myself teaching 100 pastors from Cambodian villages about Father God’s love. A pastor had come with me to Cambodia to share the teaching load and he was having some trouble connecting to the people. Even though I didn’t speak their language, I was very much connecting with them; they all had come from broken homes like me. Not 50%, like in the US, but all of them had been abandoned by their dads or abused by them. Also, because I had pastored a church in a poor area of the Dominican Republic, I understood their circumstances and how they lived. I knew how to teach principles of God’s word to people with little or no formal education. My life experiences had perfectly equipped me for this situation.

God had compensation for me; He had given me all I would ever need for life and godliness. Not just for overcoming my past but for fulfilling my destiny. And here’s some great news. Everyone of you reading this also has compensation from God. You may not have discovered it or unpacked it yet, never-the-less it is there. God has given to you all things that you need for life and godliness.

Beauty for Ashes
If you consider the stages of grief, the final stage is finding some good out of the loss. For example, a mother who lost her teenager to a drunk driver founded MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. The most meaningful core values in our lives are often derived out of the most substantial pain we have gone through.

The Army of the Healed Broken
I have the privilege of working daily with people that grew up in some really broken homes. These are often the bravest people I’ve ever met. Many of them have a real passion for God that isn’t always seen in those who grew up in healthy families. What’s exciting is that as these people overcome the abuses they’ve experienced, they are uniquely equipped to help others that have been through similar things.

This is very exciting to me. I believe there will be one last great harvest of souls. I believe this is what the ends times are about, not God vindicating His bruised ego. I don’t believe God has issues with inferiority or rejection. I believe the end times are about God’s final outpouring of His incredible love to see as many saved as possible before the conclusion of the age. This will require an army of people that have worked through their own wounding and know how to help others. We live in a generation where the dark is getting darker. Kids are growing up in single parent homes with video games as their nannies. Yet as the dark gets darker, the light also increases. We are seeing huge advances in how to bring God’s healing to people and I believe it will become as main stream as the grace message did in the ’80s and ’90s.

Filed Under: Father's Love, Leadership Coaching Tagged With: ,

A Picture of Undeveloped Relationship Skills

March 18, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

I came across an interesting quote concerning what happens to those who grow up in and live with abuse.
“Both the tyrant and the victim in the system have a very limited sense of themselves as persons, inadequate development of relationship skills, and no understanding of the nuances of intimacy.”

This sums up nicely what emotional and spiritual maturity looks like.

Limited Sense of Self
Do I have a sense of being secure, that basically I’m safe, that my rights will be respected, my boundaries of thought, feeling, choice, and physical space will be honored? Or, do I constantly fear rejection and have an “us versus them” mentality and walk in a constant low level suspicion?

In feeling safe, do I have a sense of my strengths and weaknesses? Am I free enough to be in a learning relationship with God and life? Or, is everything either right or wrong, good or bad, in or out and so everything has a box I quickly apply? The Pharisees lived like this, so insecure they sought to take all of the “unpredictable” out of life with their laws for everything. This makes it impossible to ever learn or grow.

Inadequate Relationship Skills
With no sense of my own self, no sense of ways I’m growing and needing to grow and making proactive choices toward growth, it becomes hard to relate well with others. If I see everything as either “in or out,” then I’m going to treat you that way also. If it feels like there is something inadequate or shameful in me if I don’t know something or haven’t learned something, I will apply that same perfectionism to you. I will have little ability to live and let live, to flow with the currents of life.

Nuances of Intimacy
All the latest studies, especially in the area of brain development, point toward intimacy in relationships as being the foundation to emotional and spiritual health. When I can live connected to God and man there is a sense of grounding. I can risk loving and living and trying new things. I can flow with the give and take of relationship without being overly insecure. My sense of being loved and valued grows as well as my ability to be life-giving and self-sacrificing to my community around me.

God shows Himself as loving and safe and highly valuing of freedom. Jesus said the father gave the inheritance to the prodigal son knowing he was making wrong choices. He didn’t force his will upon his son. Father sent Jesus for us while we were yet in sin, yet making wrong choices. God didn’t fear rejection and didn’t seek to control our freedom. He so loved that He gave. If we are insistent on going to hell, God will let us. However, love awaits us if we simply choose to receive Him. He will never leave us; we are safe in His love. He gives us dignity, a place in His family. God gives us the love and security we need to grow into healthy intimacy.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Evaluations and Comparisons

March 11, 2011 By 4 Comments

By Cyndi

Sometimes I find myself evaluating and comparing everything to something or someone else: my appearance, my house, my finances, my car. And then there’s church. I evaluate the message, the worship, the temperature in the building…you get the idea.
But evaluating and being evaluated by others results at worst in fear and at best in conditional love.

I went to the grocery store the other day and the cashier was going a bit slower than I would have liked her to, so I broke out my evaluation meter in my head. I rated her on a scale of 1-10, thinking she’s about a 3 or 4.  Now did I think she felt the “meter reading”? Probably through my non-verbal communication. Depending on how secure she was, she might have even feared my judgment and disapproval. In my mind, she was “failing” at doing her job. However, if my acceptance of her is based on how well she executes her task, that’s conditional love, and that’s not reflecting the Father’s heart to those around me.

So why do I do this? Why does my evaluation meter come out all the time looking at everything through some sort of a “good/bad-could be better/could be worse” kind of a measurement? It’s like I have a need to weigh the whole universe and everything in it! What it came down to is not what is “out there,” but what is “in there” in my heart. And looking into my heart can be scary at times, because I don’t always like what I find.

And what I usually find is shame–hiding behind lies and ungodly beliefs that have convinced me that I will never measure up, be accepted for who I am, or loved unconditionally. If I compare myself to others, that puts me in the role of the judge, a very lofty place. I can be the one who determines the standard. But God is the only Righteous Judge. My evaluations only reveal the shame and insecurity that are still hidden deep within me.

So the Lord convicted me, then challenged me. After repenting and uprooting a few core lies, Father asked me to put away my evaluation meter. He asked me to try to walk without measuring anything, just accepting things for what they are. The driver in front of me, the service of the waitress, the songs we sing in church, even what I’m wearing (I’m not even worrying if it makes me look fat). He wants me to live in peace, letting go of all comparisons, and just reflect His unfailing love.

Filed Under: control, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

Legalism or Intimacy

March 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Fasting
Around a year ago I was attempting a season of fasting and not doing very well with it. A friend pointed out to me how hard I was being on myself instead of accepting where I was at with it, focusing on what progress I was making and seeing what I could learn about myself from the experience.

Shame and condemnation lead to control (being hard on myself). Romans 7:5 says it is law (control) that stirs up the sinful passions of the flesh. Control takes many forms, two prominent ones are 1) being critical and 2) being a perfectionist.

Control Issues
Understanding that legalism is the biblical word for control issues can open up our understanding. We too often have a narrow definition of legalism, considering it in its “hyper” form only. I had a simplistic view that law was bad and grace was good. What I didn’t fully get was that law was a response to my feelings of inadequacy.

However, simply “having grace” on myself was not a full answer either. I can choose not to beat myself up over a poor diet and lack of exercise; never the less, the consequences of heart disease, type II diabetes and many other things will likely occur. I can give myself a break for getting angry in traffic, however, it is still a behavioral pattern that impedes intimacy. I can say I’ve had a long day and decide it is okay to watch hours of TV, however, a prayer-less life that involves little learning of new things has consequences.

Intimacy
The Father’s love really is the answer. But not some amorphous belief He really, really loves me. If it hasn’t touched my shame and control issues, it hasn’t gone deep enough. I had viewed my fast as an “all or nothing” proposition (perfectionism). In this scenario, I was unable to walk in meekness. I was too focused on how I was failing (critical), so there was no room for being in a learning relationship with life.

Intimacy occurs when I can embrace where I’m at and allow God to teach me what I need to learn in order to grow. I’m not beating myself up nor hiding from my pain in “grace.” I’m facing my issues a step at a time in Father God’s love.

Filed Under: control, Father's Love, Leadership, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

Non-Verbal Statements

February 18, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Cyndi

We’ve all made them and we’ve all picked up on them from others. Non-verbal statements. Our eyes, our facial expressions, our arms, our stance, all have ways of communicating without words. And they can make statements about ourselves.

Not making eye contact with someone or even dropping your head down when others approach can be a non-verbal way of expressing shame or a sense of unworthiness about yourself. Keeping your arms wrapped around you or clinching your fist can be signs of anxiety or tension. Our bodies know what we believe. We are a triune being, spirit, soul, and body, so what happens in one area will naturally affect the others.

Many of us are not aware of what we are “saying” with our body language. As a parent I may verbally agree to something my son wants, yet he looks at me with that, “Are you sure?” look, and I notice my eyebrows are furled and my arms are folded with a defensive posture. If I would take a moment to feel for a little while, I would notice that my heart really needed more time to think about this proposition before giving my consent to it. My body expressed better than my words what my heart already knew.

What about meeting new people at church or at a friend’s house? What is our non-verbal communication saying there? Are we walking around stating we are loved by the King of kings and Lord of lords, that Father God, the Creator of the universe is our loving Daddy, and that the Spirit of God is alive and dwelling in us? Or do we hide alone in a corner not wanting to talk to anyone, hoping everyone will ignore us and not find out who we are.

Now I realize we each have different personalities that God gave us, and I’m not saying we all have to be these boisterous, loud, outgoing party people. What I am trying to communicate here (and if I could physically see you I would be looking directly into your eyes) is that you are so special to God and His thoughts towards you are only good ones (Jer. 29:11). He made you the way He wanted to. You are not a mistake or an accident. Receive His love and reflect it in how you think about yourself. Hold your head high, smile your brightest smile, open your arms to hug those around you. Say it non-verbally: “I am a treasured child of God!”

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , ,

Pragmatism In The Father’s Love

January 28, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Spooky Love
“You just need an experience in the Father’s love,” is what many teachers give as a pat answer to all challenges in life. And this is wonderful for those who have had that experience. However, it can seem elusive to many that look for it, get prayed for to receive it, try to believe for it, and yet never quite find it.

While I fully agree there is validity to experiencing the Father’s love and believing in it, I struggle when these become a formula for everything. There is a practical, less “spooky” side to this.

Rubber Meets the Road Christianity
Jack Frost taught on experiencing the Father’s love, however, he also put a huge emphasis on walking it out. Examples like repenting for ways we have misrepresented Father’s love to our families and others,  how well we relate to authority–with our parents, spiritual leaders, employers–these were simple ways where he showed how to express the Father’s love in our lives. First the natural, then the spiritual: How can I say I love God and submit to Him, if I cannot do that with man?

Many ministers stand in the pulpit and give all sorts of incredible testimonies and prophetic proclamations, but Jack would always say, “I want to know what the wife and kids think.” If it’s not good at home, then it’s just not good.

There are many practical skills we can learn to walk in and thereby experience the Father’s love. Jack focused on loving our families, making them our first ministry and walking in sonship. If we break that down even further, we can look at dynamics of emotional health. Let’s do that.

Skill Development
Abuse tears down personhood—I say the wrong thing and get slapped or I get that look that says I have no value. The three core rules to survive abuse are:

Don’t talk    Don’t trust    Don’t feel

Don’t talk means not being able to ask for help; it’s not okay to even have a problem. Don’t trust means keeping a wall around my heart and not letting anyone in. Don’t feel protects me from all the painful feelings bottled up over the years. But if I can’t acknowledge my painful feelings, how can I ever resolve them?

A small step is to simply start growing in awareness. Start trying to notice what triggers you, or sets you off, and stop denying feelings so much. Spend time praying it through. Take it to the Lord and ponder, “What bothered me about that? Why did that produce an emotional reaction in me?”

Beginning to be aware of your emotions and what things trigger you from day to day will get you moving in a pragmatic, proactive way toward an experience in the Father’s love.

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Personhood, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Unadorned

December 18, 2010 By Leave a Comment

By Cyndi

I’m sitting here writing next to my undecorated Christmas tree. It’s about six feet tall–no lights, no ornaments, no icicles, not even a star at the top yet. Only crookedly poised in its stand, with a lean to the left, and a blanket around the bottom. There it is. Naked and bare, by Christmas standards. Then I thought, “Isn’t this how we stand before God? Naked at the foot of the cross?”

In Psalm 139:14 it says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Just the way we are. Without ornaments, without ribbons, without lights or flashy commercialized decorations. God loves us. Period.

Isn’t that what Christmas is about anyway? This is the time of year we celebrate God sending His Son, Jesus, to be born in our world as a baby. Just like us. Without hoopla, without formal announcements, without Facebook friends commenting. He came.

He humbly came to reveal His great love for us. We weren’t getting it through the prophets and teachers. We weren’t getting it through the laws and commandments. We weren’t getting it through the kings and priests who were leading us. We needed to see Him face to face, to eat dinner with Him, to laugh at jokes with Him, to know He understood where we’re coming from. He came.

So it’s okay that my Christmas tree is still bare. I’ll decorate it soon. But it’s beautiful just as it is. A reminder. He loves me just the way I am.

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: , ,

Defaulting to Joy

December 9, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Just Love

Cyndi and I married in our mid-twenties. We’d met at the church we’d been attending for several years. A couple years later, Darren was born. What a moment of joy that was! I’d heard people speak of a love that hits you with the birth of a child. Now I felt it, a love so strong I instantly knew, I would die for that child if necessary.

Love as the Foundation to Joy

We came home from the hospital and I’d just stare at him in wonderment. So beautiful.  So vulnerable. So precious. He didn’t have to do anything for my love. Just looking at him in my arms was incredible. I remember thoroughly enjoying each stage of Darren’s growth. As an infant he first rolled over at my in-laws. Then there was the trip to the mountains when he was four, and we could actually climb the rocks together. So many memories through the past 17 years.

Dr Jim Wilder in The Life Model, “In a child’s first years, the desire to experience joy in loving relationships is the most powerful force in life. Some neurologists now say that the basic human need is to be the ‘sparkle in someone’s eye.’ When you catch a glimpse of a child’s face as he runs toward an awaiting parent with arms outstretched in unrestrained joy, you can witness firsthand that incredible power that comes from ‘being the sparkle in someone’s eye.’ ”

When mom and dad express this basic love, it produces joy–joy at being alive, joy at being valued just for who you are. This is God’s plan, that we feel the love that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Joy is to be our default emotion. When troubles come, we should have the capacity to return to joy.

This prepares us to naturally connect with our heavenly Father, who loves us passionately even though He knows everything about us, and to connect again and again to His heart as we face life’s challenges.

Joy Strength

“Having enough joy strength is fundamental to a person’s well being. We now know that a joy center exists in the right orbital prefrontal cortex of the brain. It has executive control over the entire emotional system. When the joy center has been sufficiently developed, it regulates emotions, pain control, and immunity centers; it guides us to act like ourselves; it releases neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin; and it is the only part of the brain that overrides the main drive centers – food and sexual impulses, terror and rage.”

God rejoices over you with joy and singing because He is so thrilled to be your Father! You truly are the apple of His eye.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made! (Zep.3:17; Deut. 32:10; Ps. 139:14)

Friesen, James G., E. James Wilder, Anne M. Bierling, Rick Koepeke, and Maribeth Poole. Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. Pasadena: Shepherd’s House, 2004.

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: , , , , ,

Servant-Leadership

November 7, 2010 By 2 Comments

By Robert

Here are four pictures from Mark 10 of servant-leadership and walking in the Father’s love.

Mk.10:13-16 Children
Little children were coming to Jesus. The disciples tried to stop it. “Don’t bother the master, where are your manners,” they said. Jesus became indignant, “Being childlike is the only way to enter the kingdom.” He said it is not about hierarchal leadership, making people respect a position. It is about childlike simplicity, childlike wonder and awe, childlike faith that you can crawl into God’s lap without thought of self-consciousness.

Mk.10:17-24 Rich Young Ruler
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom.” Again Jesus speaks to those that have position, power, or security in temporal things as opposed to those who have greater riches in eternal things. This is a very hard word for those whose identity is in the temporal.

Mk.10:35-45 Sons of Zebedee
They wanted position: “Jesus, we want you to do for us whatever we ask.” But apparently they had no fear to talk with Jesus about such things. He was very approachable. He was not hung up on positional authority being honored. Jesus said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them…Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Mk.10:46-52 Blind Bartimaeus
He cries out and the disciples shush him, believing that Jesus is too important to be disturbed by a meager blind man. Jesus, not only stops to talk to the man, but even asks what He can do for him. Jesus allows Himself to be interrupted in order to heal (serve) someone.

It’s all about love–putting more value on people and relationships than positions and protocol. He was a true servant-leader. Picture that.

Filed Under: Servant-Leadership Tagged With: ,
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