Why Personal Growth?

June 24, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

I was watching a video on YouTube when the person speaking talked about personal growth for the workplace. This got me thinking. We deal with emotional health and personal development every day here at Fountains of Life, but how do other people see it? How many people think that this is really necessary? How many Christians even know what it is? Is personal growth and development just some new buzzword that’s going around?

Well, honestly I think God is very interested in our personal growth and development. He is all about relationships, and seeing us grow up to be mature “fathers” in the Lord.  The Biblical term is sanctification. We too often view that as the dying process we grudgingly submit to. He’s a personal God and has specific plans for our lives if we are willing to take the time to explore who we are and what He’s created us for.

I don’t believe God is random, yet much of my life “just happened” to me. I floated along like a raft down a river, knowing He was directing me, and yes, He did. But I bumped over some rocks and hit a few obstacles that I probably could have avoided if I had purposefully been paddling and steering more intentionally.

And that’s what personal development really does–it makes us more intentional about our lives. It’s not “hoping” to mature past a level where traffic jams don’t bother me anymore; it’s taking the time to intentionally examine why traffic jams cause me to loose my peace. Personal growth is about finding my strengths and weaknesses, my identity, and improving the relationships in my life. We all have such potential God has placed in us. If we actively seek out ways to improve, to grow, to advance, and to fulfill our calling, we would change the world!

God has called us to be overcomers, people of destiny, men and women of faith and power, fathers and mothers to the hurting, and reapers of the harvest of lost souls on this earth. Jeremiah 12:5 says,“If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?” (NIV) We need personal growth so we can run with the horses and we can aggressively chop down any thickets the enemy puts in our way!

Getting emotionally healthy and dealing with past issues that are keeping us from moving into our future are vitally necessary if we’re wanting to live life to the fullest and see His glory over all the nations!

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Leadership, Personhood Tagged With: , ,

A Journaling Tool for Forward Movement

June 19, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Ever feel stuck?
Picture being in the office at your desk. Your boss makes you nervous in the best of circumstances. You’ve been hurt by male authority in the past and he represents that well. He’s overbearing, demanding, demeaning. Now he’s standing over you waiting for you to finish typing out something he asked for. You feel tense and it’s hard to think clear and not fumble and mess it up. Later you just can’t stop thinking about what a jerk he is.

Has someone treated you poorly and you just can’t stop thinking about it? Maybe it’s a personal challenge, a battle you’ve struggled with for years. Maybe it’s a family member that won’t respect your boundaries no matter what you do. These types of things can really affect us emotionally, locking us into a state of agitation and anger or worry and anxiety. When our minds cannot make sense of something and don’t see any way forward, we feel stuck and play the tape over and over again.

Journaling for Emotional Health
Sometimes you need to receive prayer ministry. Yet, often you can work it out with the Lord. Here are some steps:
1) Treat your emotions as an objective reporter. Distance yourself a bit. When you get stuck, you enter a state of mind that impairs your ability to think clearly. Step back and look at yourself.
2) Write out step by step what’s occurred that bothers you. Remember, you are just journaling, putting it all down between you and God, so there’s no need to hold back.
3) Write out your feelings as best you can at each step of what happened. By making note of your feelings and emotions, you engage the right side of the brain which then works together with the left side’s logical documentation of events. With the blending of the two together it helps to make sense of what happened.
4) Write out why the other person may have acted as they did. What may have been their motives? What may have been their insecurities? Again, trying to journal this out as an objective observer, not judging it right or wrong, appropriate or not, in context or not. Simply brainstorming different scenarios. Try putting yourself in their shoes.
5) Tell the Lord what makes you angry about it, why it seems unfair. Tell Him what makes you fearful about it, what makes you feel threatened, how it makes your body feel. By notating your body sensations, this too, helps make connections in the brain that will open the way for better understanding.
6)  Ask the Lord His perspective at the different steps of what happened. Write out what you think He may be telling you.

In reflecting and journaling about an issue, we can gain much understanding about ourselves and others. We may begin to see some core issues of why we are anxious or fearful, or stubborn or irritated. And by engaging both right and left sides of the brain, science is proving that we are able to make sense of the events in our life, get unstuck, and continue to move forward. And isn’t that what we all want—to walk with the Lord, not stand still? This is a great tool and life skill to help us tend well the garden of our heart.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, life skills, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , ,

Striving Is About Shame

May 8, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Years ago I was on a sales call with a friend. We were meeting an executive at a trucking company my friend knew. I was expressing fear: “Do you think he’ll get mad we didn’t call first?” “If he seems too busy, we can just leave some information with his secretary.”

My friend finally said, “It’s not that delicate.” That phrase turned a light on for me. I wasn’t even aware of the fear I was experiencing. I hadn’t realized my stress and lack of rest.

So often I have been afraid of saying the wrong thing in front of people I considered important. My turmoil would lead to inward striving. This fear made it hard to step out and try things. It’s made it hard to be comfortable in my own skin and simply be at rest.

Striving is about shame, an inner feeling of inferiority; that something is bad, wrong, flawed about me. This shame shows up when I’m trying to do a given thing and I feel it is not okay to make a mistake or fail because if I do, my self-worth is in question. But if I can see these dynamics–how shame leads to fear and striving–then there is hope. God is able to comfort me and love me out of them (I John 4:18–perfect love casts out fear). God really does have a life of rest available for us!

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Prayer Ministry, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

The Simplicity of Prayer Ministry

May 1, 2011 By 1 Comment

Prayer Ministry is defined in so many ways; everything from godly counsel, to spooky stuff like the healing of memories. But what is it really? What makes it work?

Frank’s boss informed him at the last minute that he will need to stay late as the deadline of a project has just been moved up…again. On the way home from work, his mind was locked onto all the ways he disliked his boss. These negative tapes had been playing in his thought life for over a year. However, through prayer ministry, Frank was able to find complete resolution on this issue.

Simplicity
Prayer Ministry is so incredibly simple, many times we step right over it thinking, “there has to be more to it than this,” and we add complication. But it really boils down to only three core things. Consider these scenarios:

Anger, Unforgiveness
Not long ago someone on your job was a real jerk to you. Whenever you think about that individual, it drives you nuts. You get angry, or agitated and maybe tense up just at the mention of their name. Finally, with someone you trust, they help you get honest about your feelings and work through forgiveness. That’s Prayer Ministry.

Sorrow, Loss, Regret
Maybe you felt a loss as a really good friend moved away and finally you talk to someone about the pain you are feeling. They help you acknowledge your sorrow and work through letting it go. That’s prayer ministry.

Identity Lies
Perhaps there was a time when a friend rejected you, even demeaned you in front of others. Ever since then you’ve struggled with feelings of rejection, insecurity, and inferiority. Finally, a Christian brother helps you to look back at this event and to ask God about it, and God says you are loved, you are the apple of His eye, and that person’s treatment wasn’t about you anyway; he was only reacting from the hurt in himself. That’s Prayer Ministry.

Prayer Ministry is simply getting honest about our pain, coming to the light with it, and letting God heal it so it doesn’t interfere with our daily walk anymore. As mature Christians, these things can happen naturally as we relate to the Lord day by day. However, there are times when we get stuck and the process stalls. That’s when prayer ministry can really help.

These scenarios are simple. Never-the-less, helping people face these three things–anger, sadness, or lies about their identity–is the crux of Prayer Ministry. We work with individuals who have minor wounding all the way to those with the deepest, most unimaginable abuses, and we see consistent results. The healing always involves going to Jesus with one of these three core issues.

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Leadership Coaching, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: ,

Rooting Up Habits

April 8, 2011 By 4 Comments

By Cyndi

As the weather is turning to springtime, many of us are beginning to work in our yards again. Our backyard is pretty much dirt with some weeds in it. My son just runs them over with the lawn mower. But give it a few days and those weeds will come right back.

Sin habits are much like weeds. We like to “mow over them” by trying to behave better. At times we even come up with a plan: we vow to stop eating/using/viewing (you fill in the blank); whatever it is, we vow to stop doing it, and start doing something better. We may even throw away some of our stash and get rid of the “evidence” so it won’t tempt us.

Then we plan to replace this habit with something else instead: we vow to pray more, read our Bible more, volunteer more, eat healthier, exercise (fill in this blank too). And there are occasions when we can make this work for a day, a week, even a month or so, but usually there’s a breakdown and eventually we fall back into our habits and hangups once again.

Why does this happen? We had strong convictions. We had determination and motivation. We even bought the gear and gadgets to help us do this! Emotionally we feel like a failure or at least some negative thoughts about ourselves get stuck in our minds. Where’s the problem? It’s simple. We’re treating our habits like weeds.

Most of us know weeds will keep coming back unless we pull them up by their roots.    Getting down on our hands and knees, getting our hands dirty, we have to dig them out.  I personally despise dollar weeds because they have so many “links” to each other and you have to follow their trails to get them all uprooted. It can take some time and trouble pulling up these things from their roots.

And habits are just like this. It takes time and effort to find their root and pull it up. If we just try to stop the habit (mow it over), we haven’t looked at how and why we acquired it in the first place. There is a reason for everything (Ecc. 3:1).

Robert and I have the privilege of seeing many set free from addictions, fears, and habits, who are able to live life without condemnation and shame. Yes, it does take time and effort, just like weeding does, but seeing your life, your “yard,” cleaned out and landscaped with God’s glorious freedom is worth it.

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, life skills, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , ,

Legalism or Intimacy

March 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Fasting
Around a year ago I was attempting a season of fasting and not doing very well with it. A friend pointed out to me how hard I was being on myself instead of accepting where I was at with it, focusing on what progress I was making and seeing what I could learn about myself from the experience.

Shame and condemnation lead to control (being hard on myself). Romans 7:5 says it is law (control) that stirs up the sinful passions of the flesh. Control takes many forms, two prominent ones are 1) being critical and 2) being a perfectionist.

Control Issues
Understanding that legalism is the biblical word for control issues can open up our understanding. We too often have a narrow definition of legalism, considering it in its “hyper” form only. I had a simplistic view that law was bad and grace was good. What I didn’t fully get was that law was a response to my feelings of inadequacy.

However, simply “having grace” on myself was not a full answer either. I can choose not to beat myself up over a poor diet and lack of exercise; never the less, the consequences of heart disease, type II diabetes and many other things will likely occur. I can give myself a break for getting angry in traffic, however, it is still a behavioral pattern that impedes intimacy. I can say I’ve had a long day and decide it is okay to watch hours of TV, however, a prayer-less life that involves little learning of new things has consequences.

Intimacy
The Father’s love really is the answer. But not some amorphous belief He really, really loves me. If it hasn’t touched my shame and control issues, it hasn’t gone deep enough. I had viewed my fast as an “all or nothing” proposition (perfectionism). In this scenario, I was unable to walk in meekness. I was too focused on how I was failing (critical), so there was no room for being in a learning relationship with life.

Intimacy occurs when I can embrace where I’m at and allow God to teach me what I need to learn in order to grow. I’m not beating myself up nor hiding from my pain in “grace.” I’m facing my issues a step at a time in Father God’s love.

Filed Under: control, Father's Love, Leadership, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

Shame Is The Root

February 24, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

Shame
All families have ways they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any   abuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments. A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful words?

Personhood
Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough.

Force Behind Addictions
All addictive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is driven and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some addictive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All addictive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in our hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves us condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies we have believed and dismantling our interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Christian Coaching, control, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: , , , , ,

Pragmatism In The Father’s Love

January 28, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Spooky Love
“You just need an experience in the Father’s love,” is what many teachers give as a pat answer to all challenges in life. And this is wonderful for those who have had that experience. However, it can seem elusive to many that look for it, get prayed for to receive it, try to believe for it, and yet never quite find it.

While I fully agree there is validity to experiencing the Father’s love and believing in it, I struggle when these become a formula for everything. There is a practical, less “spooky” side to this.

Rubber Meets the Road Christianity
Jack Frost taught on experiencing the Father’s love, however, he also put a huge emphasis on walking it out. Examples like repenting for ways we have misrepresented Father’s love to our families and others,  how well we relate to authority–with our parents, spiritual leaders, employers–these were simple ways where he showed how to express the Father’s love in our lives. First the natural, then the spiritual: How can I say I love God and submit to Him, if I cannot do that with man?

Many ministers stand in the pulpit and give all sorts of incredible testimonies and prophetic proclamations, but Jack would always say, “I want to know what the wife and kids think.” If it’s not good at home, then it’s just not good.

There are many practical skills we can learn to walk in and thereby experience the Father’s love. Jack focused on loving our families, making them our first ministry and walking in sonship. If we break that down even further, we can look at dynamics of emotional health. Let’s do that.

Skill Development
Abuse tears down personhood—I say the wrong thing and get slapped or I get that look that says I have no value. The three core rules to survive abuse are:

Don’t talk    Don’t trust    Don’t feel

Don’t talk means not being able to ask for help; it’s not okay to even have a problem. Don’t trust means keeping a wall around my heart and not letting anyone in. Don’t feel protects me from all the painful feelings bottled up over the years. But if I can’t acknowledge my painful feelings, how can I ever resolve them?

A small step is to simply start growing in awareness. Start trying to notice what triggers you, or sets you off, and stop denying feelings so much. Spend time praying it through. Take it to the Lord and ponder, “What bothered me about that? Why did that produce an emotional reaction in me?”

Beginning to be aware of your emotions and what things trigger you from day to day will get you moving in a pragmatic, proactive way toward an experience in the Father’s love.

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Personhood, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Defaulting to Joy

December 9, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Just Love

Cyndi and I married in our mid-twenties. We’d met at the church we’d been attending for several years. A couple years later, Darren was born. What a moment of joy that was! I’d heard people speak of a love that hits you with the birth of a child. Now I felt it, a love so strong I instantly knew, I would die for that child if necessary.

Love as the Foundation to Joy

We came home from the hospital and I’d just stare at him in wonderment. So beautiful.  So vulnerable. So precious. He didn’t have to do anything for my love. Just looking at him in my arms was incredible. I remember thoroughly enjoying each stage of Darren’s growth. As an infant he first rolled over at my in-laws. Then there was the trip to the mountains when he was four, and we could actually climb the rocks together. So many memories through the past 17 years.

Dr Jim Wilder in The Life Model, “In a child’s first years, the desire to experience joy in loving relationships is the most powerful force in life. Some neurologists now say that the basic human need is to be the ‘sparkle in someone’s eye.’ When you catch a glimpse of a child’s face as he runs toward an awaiting parent with arms outstretched in unrestrained joy, you can witness firsthand that incredible power that comes from ‘being the sparkle in someone’s eye.’ ”

When mom and dad express this basic love, it produces joy–joy at being alive, joy at being valued just for who you are. This is God’s plan, that we feel the love that says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Joy is to be our default emotion. When troubles come, we should have the capacity to return to joy.

This prepares us to naturally connect with our heavenly Father, who loves us passionately even though He knows everything about us, and to connect again and again to His heart as we face life’s challenges.

Joy Strength

“Having enough joy strength is fundamental to a person’s well being. We now know that a joy center exists in the right orbital prefrontal cortex of the brain. It has executive control over the entire emotional system. When the joy center has been sufficiently developed, it regulates emotions, pain control, and immunity centers; it guides us to act like ourselves; it releases neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin; and it is the only part of the brain that overrides the main drive centers – food and sexual impulses, terror and rage.”

God rejoices over you with joy and singing because He is so thrilled to be your Father! You truly are the apple of His eye.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made! (Zep.3:17; Deut. 32:10; Ps. 139:14)

Friesen, James G., E. James Wilder, Anne M. Bierling, Rick Koepeke, and Maribeth Poole. Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. Pasadena: Shepherd’s House, 2004.

Filed Under: Father's Love Tagged With: , , , , ,

A Slave Mentality or Sonship Teachability

November 27, 2010 By 1 Comment

Where the Power Lies

Slave mentality statements say: “I can’t ever make a good grade in that class, the teacher just doesn’t like me.” “That person makes me so mad, how do they not understand the passing lane is for passing?” “My boss makes  me feel hopeless, he has no idea what it takes to do this job!”

What do all these statements have in common?

They declare that the power lies with others and a lack of sonship. Other people have the power to make me fail a class, make me angry, or even to make me feel hopeless. This is an outward locus of control. The location of control, or the power to determine a thing, lies with an another person or circumstance rather than with myself.

These are common struggles that get dealt with in Prayer Ministry and most everyone struggles with these at some level. Almost no one is able to always take initiative, to always take appropriate responsibility for their actions and their circumstances. Generally, the greater the shame base someone grew up with, the more they will struggle with being proactive, taking responsibility and living by core values rather than the opinions of certain others who are seen as the “one’s who really count.”

The Power of Being Teachable

This presents some crucial challenges to growth, especially to our ability to be teachable.

When power lies with others, life has a sense of randomness. We are never entirely sure if we are in or out of favor. To defend against this, we may take on suspicion, prejudice (opinion formed without knowledge or examination of facts), even intolerance, legalism, and control issues. So since the power lies with others, life really is unknown and unpredictable. And if this is true, what other “tools” are available to protect ourselves?

This has huge implications for being able to learn new things and grow. If we have no ability to take responsibility within ourselves, we are unable to learn new revelations and learn from our life experiences. We end up with the good/bad mentality, and acting as God’s policemen. We try and live by formulas rather than principles. There are whole ministries dedicated to pointing out how other ministries are “off.” There are Christians who have been saved for years but never experience any significant growth.

God wants to place tools in our hands as sons to possess our individual promised land. We really can shed these “Israel in the wilderness” mentalities and become sons who can fight successfully in the promised land.

Filed Under: sonship Tagged With: , , , ,
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