Abuse Creates Powerlessness

May 18, 2012 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Powerlessness
Tom has worked hard on his job. He’s always the first one there and the last to leave. There’s an opening for a promotion and Tom plans on being the one to get it. He’s all in, this is the dream, he’s worked hard.

The big day finally comes. There are knots in his stomach as he arrived that morning. It’s almost lunch and nobody seems to know anything. When he returns from lunch he keeps noticing people congratulating Monica and his stomach drops.

Tom’s wife had been telling him for months to tell his boss of his intentions. Even now she suggests he go and ask what happened. Maybe there’s something he can learn for the future. Yet, he just can’t bring himself to do it. Fear overcomes him every time.

Initiative
If we were to look into Monica’s life we’d see a real go getter, a mover and shaker. She let her boss know a long time ago she was interested in the position. She had confidence in her competence. She wasn’t afraid to try. She figured, “If this company doesn’t see my value, someone else will.”

Foundations
Many people have experienced disappointment in their walks with God. They’ve had prayers that have gone unanswered, dreams unfulfilled. That healing that didn’t come, that ministry outreach that never got off the ground, etc.

The root of powerlessness is often in a weak identity. Identity — “I’m a child of God with all of the rights and privileges that come with that. I have access to my Father, His wisdom and resources. I’m not a red-headed step-child.“

How do we get this level of self-worth? We first learn our identity in our homes growing up. If our parents could use boundaries rather than shame, we learn self-worth. We have to learn to be potty trained, not to play with breakables, not to pull our sister’s hair, how to throw the ball, etc. If it was okay to make a mistake, if patience was used with correction we learn that we have worth as a son/daughter. As the teens approach and our own thoughts and feelings were respected, yet healthy consequences were not erased, maturity begins to take root. We have the freedom to try, to take initiative, to not be devastated by a mistake.

All abuse on the other hand, tears down identity and thus creates powerlessness. When I don’t do something right I’m told something’s wrong with me. If I like the latest style “all the kids are wearing,” I’m told only freaks wear that.

All of this stuff gets transferred to how we view God. If someone struggles with condemnation, powerlessness, putting a lot of pressure on themselves and others, striving, performance–the roots may be in a weak identity as a child of God. We feel God, like people, is also demanding and not respectful of our boundaries.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Motivation and Control

April 20, 2012 By 8 Comments

Boundaries with Darren

My wife and I used to argue with our son over his chores. We were trying to get him to do what was right. One day I had an idea. When he came home from school I told him, “Darren, Mom and I have been talking and we have decided you do not have to do your chores anymore; you can even skip your homework if you want to.” He was in blissful shock! After a pause I continued, “But you cannot have any privileges such as TV, computer, or spending time with friends either, unless you take care of your responsibilities. We love you and we are not going to pressure you or argue anymore. We’d love for you to have your privileges but they only come with responsibility.”

He tested it and we did not get angry or pressure him or shame him. We did not even close our hearts toward him at all; we were quite friendly and loving. The entire next day, however, he did not have any privileges. After a time or two the battle was over and now it is never a fight to see him take care of his chores and homework.

Gal 5:1, 2 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Indeed I, Paul, say to you that if you become circumcised, Christ will profit you nothing.

What is Legalism?

Is legalism the judgmental Pharisees of the Bible? Is it the church where women cannot wear makeup? What is its underlying principal?

I believe law is based in man’s efforts and in fear. If I can make a rule about something, then I can take things into my own hands, be in control and create my own “security.” This is all fear motivated. I am afraid God will not be there for me and that is what moves me toward law.

The whole world system and man’s fallen nature pushes us toward law. In the verses above, the Galatians knew truth and freedom but the traditions of a lifetime – fears they might not measure up – and the pressure of peers, all served to push them back toward circumcision.

Once I start moving towards law, things now depend on me; I am afraid I may not measure up and so I feel pressure all the time. What if I cannot meet my own needs? What if I cannot measure up and be acceptable?

Legalism is About Control

If I do not trust someone to do the right thing, I apply some pressure. Rules are applied through tactics of intimidation, anger, shaming and fear. We make statements to our children like, “What’s wrong with you?”  A sales manager states, “Whoever is at the bottom of the sales board at the end of the month will be fired.” A minister preaches, “You are either for God or against Him; if you aren’t giving to evangelism (or the building project, or the mission trip…) you won’t be blessed;” or “Jesus died on the cross for us and we can’t even give Him our best?”

Our identities get tied into these things. Fear that our son or employee or church member might make us look bad, might hinder us from applying rules and being successful, acceptable.

How We Motivate Others

At the moment we accepted Jesus, God could have installed in us a zapper, like those electronic collars for dogs used with the invisible fence. The electrical wire is buried under ground and when the dog with the collar crosses it he gets a “zap!” He very quickly learns where he can and cannot go. God could have done that with us at salvation. We go to spread a little gossip, tell a lie or express some lust and “Zaaap!” If this were the case, I believe the body of Christ would quickly rise to whole new levels of obedience, BUT… would it be outward conformity? Would it simply be obedience based on law and fear?

Filed Under: Agape Reformation, control, Father's Love, Obedience, Spiritual Maturity Tagged With: , , , ,

Facebook Parenting: For the Troubled Teen Considered

February 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Video of father shooting his daughter’s laptop

This video of a father shooting his daughter’s laptop has gone viral.

Some applaud this father’s actions. They have an appearance of expressing discipline, of this father not enabling his daughter’s bad behavior. However, it might be interesting to consider where his daughter learned this type of behavior. If we talk about life skills for a moment, we could consider how differences are dealt with in a given family unit and even how discipline is applied. The question always come back to dignity versus shame, treating another as a person or an object. A nail is an object. You don’t care how it feels, you beat on it at will. Objectification of others involves not respecting their thoughts, feelings, choices, and physical space. What does dignity interaction look like?

Both the father and daughter in this video attack each other’s identity by derogatory language and judgments. The life skills of treating each other as a child of God might include:

  • An attempt to look past the hurt with empathy and consideration of what was happening in the other person’s heart that produced these actions. Instead there was judgment and acting out.
  • Having dialogue about the issue that is not agreed on. Even though there are differences, each person’s thoughts and feelings are respected, the other person’s heart is listened to.
  • If discipline is necessary it is done with dignity, a boundaries approach.

If this daughter had grown up in this kind of an environment it is doubtful she would have even made a Facebook post like the father read. Many people lack the skills of healthy, respect based interaction. However, that is not the biggest problem. These skills can be learned. I believe the bigger problem is when we celebrate these types of shaming interactions and don’t even see the need for change.

WARNING: This video contains some curse words. There is a warning on the video page also.

Link to Video: Facebook Parenting: For the troubled teen

 

 

Filed Under: Shame Tagged With: , ,

Coming to the Light

January 20, 2012 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Have you ever hidden things about yourself? Maybe ways you’ve felt jealous of someone or threatened by someone? Ways you’ve struggled with a habitual sin? Maybe it’s walking around with an angry edge but never really addressing it. This can often lead to feelings of condemnation, hopelessness, struggles with loneliness, or anxieties. One night at a restaurant I observed another couple who didn’t talk or look at each other the entire meal. The husband just sat there reading a book as they ate. There was no intimacy between them. Clearly they had some issues in their hearts that had not come to the light.

Hiding things about ourselves hinders fellowship and keeps us from feeling clean on the inside.

So often we try to handle things on our own, putting up a strong front, but this is independence. Independence is the opposite of fellowship. Independence is what blocks our true heartfelt connection with God and man. What is the key to effectively deal with this? It starts with understanding how to come to the light.

We come to the light when we risk trusting someone enough to open up to them. Exposing our interior secrets and struggles to another person shines a light into the dark corners of our hearts.

Is there someone who really knows you? Someone who knows you well enough to see your patterns? One to whom you trust enough to put the walls down and allow to speak into your life?

1 John 5:7 says, “If we walk in the light… we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin.”

There are two primary things here. One, light brings us to experience true, effective fellowship wherein we feel connected and no longer lonely. And two, light is where the blood cleanses us, where it becomes effective, where our heart can truly receive forgiveness, and we feel clean.

If you’ve been in emotional pain, feeling cut off, struggling with anger or fear, take a step. Find someone you trust and begin coming to the light.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, How to Change, life skills, Spiritual Maturity Tagged With: , , , ,

What Is Darkness?

January 13, 2012 By 1 Comment

By Cyndi

We live in a world that values strength and belittles weakness. We idolize characters such as Rambo, John Wayne, and Jason Bourne. It is so easy to feel that there is no way to advance in life if people see our weaknesses, our personal struggles. So we tend to be drawn toward hiding these things about ourselves. We want to put them in the dark where no one can see them. Yet, if we can’t even acknowledge we have struggles, how can we ever hope to overcome them? Understanding what is darkness and what is light puts a huge tool in our hands for growth.

Blatant sin, of course, is darkness; however, there can be smaller, less noticeable ways where we might be living in the dark. 1 John 1:6 says,”… if we say we have fellowship with God, but we continue living in darkness, we lie and do not follow the truth.” So what exactly does this “living in darkness” mean? Simply put, anything that is hidden and not exposed. To paraphrase Andrew Murray’s definition of humility, darkness is not being willing to be known for who we really are.

If we are humble – being known for who we really are – then we find no reason to hide our past, our present struggles, or our future dreams. But being open and transparent like this involves risk. If we were to divulge certain things about ourselves, people may reject us or make fun of us, or even worse, they may not love and accept us. And it’s possible they may abandon us.

It’s much easier to stay in the dark than to take the chance of living in openness and transparency, but unfortunately, there are “friends” that tend to hang around us there. Fear, worry, anxiety, shame, guilt – all of these can be our ‘best friends’ when we’re in darkness. And there’s no peace or rest there. Only by embracing light do we position ourselves to experience growth.

We can be free from our past and live emotionally present in all our relationships today! By facing the hidden darkness in our lives, we can find freedom to be who we really are, unashamedly. Light is the place where we have the actual experience of feeling secure in our Father’s arms and live open-hearted to the world.

Filed Under: Christianity, Father's Love, humility, Shame, Spiritual Maturity Tagged With: , , , , ,

North Winds Blowing

December 11, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

Have you ever been in a Nor’easter? Here in Florida we get them throughout the winter season. Unlike the summertime when the sky touches the water on a flat line and the wind is calm and the air is balmy, the cold weather blows in with white caps streaking like a blanket over the ocean and the horizon’s straight line is now wavy from the peaks and valleys on the water.

And you know what else happens with a Nor’easter? All the soft sand on the beach blows away and exposes the shells and everything else underneath it. Herein lies our lesson. What happens when the Lord allows the Nor’easters in our lives to blow over us and the things we have hidden get exposed? How do we respond when we feel like those shells lying uncovered on the beach for everyone to see?

We all have things hidden under the sand. Most of us don’t want to talk about them, but the Lord knows they are there. The winter seasons can bring about pain and unresolved issues as holidays bring together broken families and sometimes old memories we’d hoped to forget. The strong winds lay the wounds wide open at times.

But instead of hiding our hurts, what if we brought everything out into the open? What if we were truthful with our hearts, and put things out before the Lord, asking Him to help us? Healing could finally come. An unknown cancer living in our bodies can’t be healed if we don’t know it’s there. Likewise, pushed down anger, bitterness, jealousy, or unforgiveness can’t be released if we can’t acknowledge it. Not that we do so to blame or purposefully harm anyone, but keeping things in the dark doesn’t allow the light of God to touch it.

If the Lord is blowing a Nor’easter your way, that’s okay. There are treasures to be found hidden under the soft sand. Let us know if we can be of any help.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Emotional Intelligence, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , , ,

Daily Shame

November 20, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

I recently attended a meeting of professionals who were well-educated, had good jobs and good families. A person came in and inconsiderately interrupted the meeting. No one said anything to this person but the majority of those in the meeting gave fleeting glances of disgust or disapproval. This is shame in action.

In years past I had not realized how common shame is. I had heard statements like, “Guilt says you have done something bad, shame says that you are bad;” and “Shame only grows in the dark.” I thought shame only occurs in someone who has really been exploited or victimized in some way. I certainly didn’t see how it applied in my life and definitely not in any regular kind of way.

Identification and recognition are key first steps to overcoming shaming interactions.

Why is this important?
When I judge another human being I am effectively saying that I am better than they are, that I would never fail in the type of way they did. This serves to put a wall up around my heart, a barrier between that person and myself.

I was recently on the subway in Seoul where I saw a Muslim man with his wife who was covered in a burqa. I had previously judged that if foreign women have to wear the appropriate clothing in Muslim nations, then Muslim women can adjust in non-Muslim nations. As I saw this couple I thought to myself, “Dude, men are not after your wife. You don’t have to keep her covered like that.” Immediately I realized – that was a judgmental thought. It put a barrier up in my heart between he and I and blocked the flow of love and compassion and any hope of sharing the gospel with this man.

Our Foundation
1 John 4:18-21 says we can talk a good game, but if we have a wall up toward a brother, we have one up toward God as well. When I block myself from love, it opens the door to many difficulties such as less desire or discipline to pray and more desire to escape into television or food.

The Christian life is designed so that it only functions well on the foundation of a heart open to love. Without this, I can go through the motions of prayer or Christian service, but there’s no life in it. Keeping my heart “on-line” to love is a crucial skill.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

Standing in Dignity

October 14, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Robert

Everyone feels fearful or hurt from time to time; conflicts and misunderstandings are a part of life. There are basically two ways people respond: shame and condemnation, or guilt and accountability.

Challenges
Ron had a terrible day at work. His boss accused him of a mistake on a major project and he feels his job might be in jeopardy. He comes home wired, tense, longing for the refuge of his Lazy Boy/TV cave. His wife immediately hits him with, “the car won’t start” and “by the way, Jr. is failing math.” Then Ron loses it; he gets bitterly sarcastic with his wife and down right caustic with his son, “What’s the matter with you boy, are you an idiot? I told you to lay off those video games and study more.”

Shame and Condemnation
In a shame-based family system individuals respond to conflicts in shame perpetuating ways. There is a constant underlying message of devalue, not just communicating you did wrong but that you are wrong. These individuals have lived with the pain of shame instead of dignity and so spend their time protecting themselves from this pain by never allowing anything to be their fault. Since it is impossible to never be wrong, everything must be subject to judgment and charged accordingly. This ‘moral monitoring’ means that the littlest mistakes like, forgetting to floss, not rinsing off a dish, not taking your shoes off at the door, can get you “a look” that communicates, “What’s wrong with you?” The Pharisees lived here. Their hearts were never open to mercy and the smallest infractions were subject to their censure.

Shame is a hidden belief about self that “I am flawed.” This belief is triggered anytime something goes wrong. Therefore, life’s challenges can’t be seen on their own merits and viewed simply as a problem to be solved, but instead someone must always be to blame. I can’t allow it to be me, so it must be you. So Jr. doesn’t just need more study time or perhaps a tutor, Jr. needs to suffer for his insolence.

Personhood and Abuse
Personhood is the quality of being an individual person and so worthy of dignity. The origin of shame is abuse that violates and diminishes personhood. This is done through crossing mental, emotional, and physical boundaries by attacking another persons’ right to choose what they think or what action they’ll take. This plays out in statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What were you thinking?” or it could be a backhand across the face.

These attacks are in two categories: fight or flight. “Fight” is anything from a sarcastic remark, to a demeaning statement, to physical harm. “Flight” can be anything from the silent treatment, to not being willing to discuss certain issues, or even to full on abandonment.

Healthy Guilt and Accountability
All of us make mistakes sometimes. The provision for that is healthy guilt and accountability. If I have made a mistake, guilt is appropriate. Guilt is a painful feeling that I have violated one of my values. It is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Healthy guilt leads me to take responsibility, walk in accountability, and make repair. If someone has acted inappropriately toward me, accountability has to do with honoring the other as a person yet not covering the consequences they face for their actions.

Unconditional love and healthy guilt allows people to make mistakes. When there’s a base of unconditional love and healthy guilt to resolve conflict rather than shaming behaviors to handle what bothers us, people can live in healthy community and growth takes place.

Growing in God’s love should move us toward treating others with dignity, even those we very much disagree with. The question of another person’s worth or dignity should never come into play. This has a huge affect on our walk with God. If I treat others with condemnation, I will not be able to escape feeling like God treats me that way. This is a milestone that must be crossed if we are to learn to walk in a depth of obedience to the Lord.

Filed Under: Emotional Health, Father's Love, Personhood Tagged With: , , ,

The PreAbuse Setup

May 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Dan Hitz
What makes one person more vulnerable to abusive situations than another?

When emotionally healthy people check out a spiritually abusive church, they don’t stay.  They recognize the dysfunction.  Healthy people put up boundaries which unhealthy people try to violate or outright reject. However, brokenness created in the “pre-abuse setup” produces a susceptibility to further abuse.

I have a friend who says, “Home is where the outside matches the inside.” It is the reason why a woman who has grown up with an abusive alcoholic father and doesn’t deal with her wounds can find herself married to her second abusive alcoholic husband. The way her husband treated her while dating felt familiar to her “normal” feelings growing up. She may even feel uncomfortable around healthy men – she sees herself way below his level. Those wounded by abuse often fall prey to “learned helplessness.” Those abused when they actually were powerless to stop it, continue to believe that they are helpless victims long after they actually have the resources to overcome.

Pre-abuse factors include past physical, sexual, and emotional abuse or neglect. The atmosphere is familiar, but surely a church must be a safe place. Those who grow up in a dysfunctional family without an appropriate mother or father figure may be used to – or addicted to – chaos. An abusive religious system offers structured chaos. The chaos is ordered around “scriptural” issues which seem to be worth fighting for. Those who are socially isolated are susceptible because they are looking for an accepting community.

His Chapel (not the real name of the church) was our family. We had many brothers and sisters who all believed as we did – who all suffered the same reproach for what we held dear. People outside the system were deemed “unsafe” so we stuck together.  However, we found out later that our relationships were only as strong as our adherence to the system. Abusive systems play off of the members’ guilt and shame. “No one else would accept me like these people if they knew what I struggled with.” I did find much forgiveness and confidentiality inside the system, but I also knew that implications could be made if I left.

People with poor life skills lack the interpersonal boundaries and assertiveness necessary to stand strong against abuse. They also fear that they can’t stand on their own. Learned helplessness leaves them vulnerable to the dictates of the system. Along with poor life skills comes poor or no foundation for evaluation of appropriateness. The system offers them so much of what they are looking for, but they lack the ability to perform a mental cost/benefit analysis. “Does the perceived benefit of staying in the system outweigh the emotional toll of performing to system specifications?” is a question that many are unable to adequately answer.

Reconciliation Ministries

Filed Under: control, Emotional Intelligence, life skills, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Striving Is About Shame

May 8, 2011 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Years ago I was on a sales call with a friend. We were meeting an executive at a trucking company my friend knew. I was expressing fear: “Do you think he’ll get mad we didn’t call first?” “If he seems too busy, we can just leave some information with his secretary.”

My friend finally said, “It’s not that delicate.” That phrase turned a light on for me. I wasn’t even aware of the fear I was experiencing. I hadn’t realized my stress and lack of rest.

So often I have been afraid of saying the wrong thing in front of people I considered important. My turmoil would lead to inward striving. This fear made it hard to step out and try things. It’s made it hard to be comfortable in my own skin and simply be at rest.

Striving is about shame, an inner feeling of inferiority; that something is bad, wrong, flawed about me. This shame shows up when I’m trying to do a given thing and I feel it is not okay to make a mistake or fail because if I do, my self-worth is in question. But if I can see these dynamics–how shame leads to fear and striving–then there is hope. God is able to comfort me and love me out of them (I John 4:18–perfect love casts out fear). God really does have a life of rest available for us!

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Prayer Ministry, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,
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