Dignity and Justice vs. Shame

April 23, 2011 By 3 Comments

By Robert

Think of that guy at work who is super friendly. He’s always quick to make you laugh, a great conversationalist, makes you feel liked and included. But, he’s often a little late to the office, there are times when he puts some of his workload off on others, and he sometimes doesn’t consider other people’s time boundaries.

What about the demanding boss who expects you to work extra hours without extra pay? He talks down to people and doesn’t use appropriate respect. Everything is always about his vision and the company and never about building people.

Now think of God being so kind to Israel in bringing them out of Egypt. God protected them, yet they turned to idols. God contracted with them to give them the Promised Land, yet they continually backed out of any responsibility on their end. Instead they used excuses that flowed out of a victim mindset.

Boundaries are not just a nice teaching that worked its way into the Body of Christ to help co-dependent women. Boundaries describe where everyone lives. The lack of boundaries is the lack of dignity and justice.

Dignity and justice are universal human problems, their absence always allows a boundary to be crossed, inducing shame. These dignity/shame dynamics are the central roadblock to growth and fulfillment.

For example, I ministered one time in Nigeria, sharing my story of painful experiences and how God met me and brought growth. Many of the pastors came up after the teaching and said, “We’ve never heard anyone share their weaknesses. We only share our strengths.” In their churches, they preached a standard of faith and victory that set the bar high. They themselves couldn’t live up to it, but they would never share that; if they did, people may no longer follow them. Here’s the point. This high standard by the leader made it “not okay” for anyone to live under that. So now, no one can be honest about their shortcomings and therefore no growth or maturing ever takes place.

Facing ways we’ve experienced injustice, attacks on our dignity, impossible standards that employers, churches, or society have communicated to us is the beginning of growth. So often, like the children of Israel, we don’t want to come into the light with our shame issues. However, when we do, they become the very stepping-stones to real growth. By doing this, true change is within reach.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Christian Coaching, Leadership Coaching, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Failures Are Not Permanent

April 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Cyndi

There are times where it’s good to look back and reflect on life. Ruminating over what you’ve been through, how you’ve grown, how you’ve changed. Seeing Divine Providence working in our families, our jobs, our situations. Kids grow up, friends and relatives pass on, we move to from place to place. As we do this reminiscing, there may be some things that we may glance at and feel a twinge of pain–that feeling of remorse or regret.

No One Lives a Perfect Life
In pondering our lives’ mistakes, we can get into the “I wish”s. You know what I mean. “I wish I would have taken more time with my kids.” “I wish I would have never moved away for that job.” All of those experiences that we did or didn’t do.

I was feeling this way about a few things not too long ago and while reading a Dave Ramsey book on finances, I ran across this statement: “Failure is not permanent.” I knew this. I had heard all the stories of Thomas Edison’s process of inventing the light bulb, of Abraham Lincoln trying to get elected, and Babe Ruth’s phenomenal baseball records. I knew you had to strike out a bunch of times before you got home runs. But all of a sudden, God illuminated this statement and a deeper revelation came to me.

Training Wheels
It’s not just about falling off a bike while trying to learn how to ride. It’s not just about investing in the wrong stock at the wrong time or filing for bankruptcy. It’s about everything! God knows we are not perfect (do we?). But we are supposed to learn from our mistakes and use them to help us grow and mature. Take some time to really look at those doosies and see why we did or didn’t do whatever it was. Check our motives, check our boundaries.

Let It Go
And as we search through our rubble, just like in the book of Nehemiah, God will use the very mishaps and failures we made for something good. He can build with that rubble and those broken pieces. Rom. 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” So to allow God to work it for good, we have to let go of the grief. Jesus bore our sorrows on the cross so we don’t have to. Take them off of your shoulder and put them on His, then look for the treasure you’ve gained from them. The past is passed. Release it, let it go, and grow from it. Keep pressing on towards the mark; failures are not permanent, they are foundations to built on.

Filed Under: Christian Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, Prayer Ministry, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Emotional Intelligence for Growth, Maturity, & Changing the World

March 25, 2011 By 3 Comments

By Robert

So Simple We Miss It
Remember TV shows like The Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, The Waltons, and Little House On The Prairie? In the typical story, one of the family members faces a challenge they think is too big to handle, or something happens where they get their feelings hurt. They wrestle with the problem, talk it out with the family, feel emotionally supported as they struggle with it, and find a way forward in a way that brings personal growth.

This seems simple enough; however, there are some very profound principles here.

Perfectionism and Abuse
“No son of mine will get grades like that.” “I can’t believe you acted that way.” “You better not talk to your dad for a while; he’s not at all happy with you.”

There are definable characteristics of families that operate in a shame-base versus a respect-base manner of interaction. Perfectionism is one of them. With perfectionism there is no middle ground, something is either right or wrong, in or out. Perfectionism is a control behavior that uses shame. Anything can be under its scrutiny; eating, cleaning, school grades, personal grooming, having money and how it is used, even physical health are subject to the perfectionism standard.  The individual’s worth as a person is always in question.

The three well-known characteristics of a dysfunctional, or shame-based family are: don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. In this environment, there is no learning about who we are, or  personal growth, because it is not okay to make a mistake. If I happen to say the wrong thing, I get rejected and shamed. Nobody talks about what happened, what was going on in my heart that prompted my statement, nor is there any emotional support to work through what was in me.

A Respect-Based Family
With a respect-based family, people are free to make mistakes. There is a safe environment. Blame and talking about others faults is not condoned. There are still consequences for wrong actions and bad behavior, but they are handled in a way that does not take away the person’s dignity. The person is thus free to discover what their feelings were and what went wrong. Growth therefore is possible.

Healthy Emotional Awareness and Its Fruit
People that grow up in respect-based families reach their adult years and have some sense of knowing who they are. It was safe to feel their feelings, so they have a sense of what their strengths and weaknesses are. They were allowed to make mistakes, face consequences, and therefore learn some autonomy, therefore, they don’t struggle with a victim mentality. They have a “life is possible” outlook, and there is confidence to step out and try new things. They are not threatened by others that are different or who have opposing view points, nor are they afraid to hold their own view point when it goes against the tide, yet without needing to move into devaluing others.

This also has huge implications for the church. We have had an incredible amount of preaching based in the perfectionism standard. Consequently, not much growth has occurred. Some people who have been Christians 20 or 30 years still have “childish” issues they have not overcome. Christians often have little sense of who they are and what their calling is, let alone the hope in fulfilling it. The world often views us as condescending and sanctimonious, it is no wonder they have little interest in what we offer.

I truly believe in the coming years we will see an emotionally mature church, a spotless bride at Christ’s return. One who emotionally supports, loves, and respects all people.

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

A Picture of Undeveloped Relationship Skills

March 18, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

I came across an interesting quote concerning what happens to those who grow up in and live with abuse.
“Both the tyrant and the victim in the system have a very limited sense of themselves as persons, inadequate development of relationship skills, and no understanding of the nuances of intimacy.”

This sums up nicely what emotional and spiritual maturity looks like.

Limited Sense of Self
Do I have a sense of being secure, that basically I’m safe, that my rights will be respected, my boundaries of thought, feeling, choice, and physical space will be honored? Or, do I constantly fear rejection and have an “us versus them” mentality and walk in a constant low level suspicion?

In feeling safe, do I have a sense of my strengths and weaknesses? Am I free enough to be in a learning relationship with God and life? Or, is everything either right or wrong, good or bad, in or out and so everything has a box I quickly apply? The Pharisees lived like this, so insecure they sought to take all of the “unpredictable” out of life with their laws for everything. This makes it impossible to ever learn or grow.

Inadequate Relationship Skills
With no sense of my own self, no sense of ways I’m growing and needing to grow and making proactive choices toward growth, it becomes hard to relate well with others. If I see everything as either “in or out,” then I’m going to treat you that way also. If it feels like there is something inadequate or shameful in me if I don’t know something or haven’t learned something, I will apply that same perfectionism to you. I will have little ability to live and let live, to flow with the currents of life.

Nuances of Intimacy
All the latest studies, especially in the area of brain development, point toward intimacy in relationships as being the foundation to emotional and spiritual health. When I can live connected to God and man there is a sense of grounding. I can risk loving and living and trying new things. I can flow with the give and take of relationship without being overly insecure. My sense of being loved and valued grows as well as my ability to be life-giving and self-sacrificing to my community around me.

God shows Himself as loving and safe and highly valuing of freedom. Jesus said the father gave the inheritance to the prodigal son knowing he was making wrong choices. He didn’t force his will upon his son. Father sent Jesus for us while we were yet in sin, yet making wrong choices. God didn’t fear rejection and didn’t seek to control our freedom. He so loved that He gave. If we are insistent on going to hell, God will let us. However, love awaits us if we simply choose to receive Him. He will never leave us; we are safe in His love. He gives us dignity, a place in His family. God gives us the love and security we need to grow into healthy intimacy.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,

Evaluations and Comparisons

March 11, 2011 By 4 Comments

By Cyndi

Sometimes I find myself evaluating and comparing everything to something or someone else: my appearance, my house, my finances, my car. And then there’s church. I evaluate the message, the worship, the temperature in the building…you get the idea.
But evaluating and being evaluated by others results at worst in fear and at best in conditional love.

I went to the grocery store the other day and the cashier was going a bit slower than I would have liked her to, so I broke out my evaluation meter in my head. I rated her on a scale of 1-10, thinking she’s about a 3 or 4.  Now did I think she felt the “meter reading”? Probably through my non-verbal communication. Depending on how secure she was, she might have even feared my judgment and disapproval. In my mind, she was “failing” at doing her job. However, if my acceptance of her is based on how well she executes her task, that’s conditional love, and that’s not reflecting the Father’s heart to those around me.

So why do I do this? Why does my evaluation meter come out all the time looking at everything through some sort of a “good/bad-could be better/could be worse” kind of a measurement? It’s like I have a need to weigh the whole universe and everything in it! What it came down to is not what is “out there,” but what is “in there” in my heart. And looking into my heart can be scary at times, because I don’t always like what I find.

And what I usually find is shame–hiding behind lies and ungodly beliefs that have convinced me that I will never measure up, be accepted for who I am, or loved unconditionally. If I compare myself to others, that puts me in the role of the judge, a very lofty place. I can be the one who determines the standard. But God is the only Righteous Judge. My evaluations only reveal the shame and insecurity that are still hidden deep within me.

So the Lord convicted me, then challenged me. After repenting and uprooting a few core lies, Father asked me to put away my evaluation meter. He asked me to try to walk without measuring anything, just accepting things for what they are. The driver in front of me, the service of the waitress, the songs we sing in church, even what I’m wearing (I’m not even worrying if it makes me look fat). He wants me to live in peace, letting go of all comparisons, and just reflect His unfailing love.

Filed Under: control, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , , ,

Shame Is The Root

February 24, 2011 By 2 Comments

By Robert

Shame
All families have ways they interact that are respectful of one another and ways that are shaming. Obviously any   abuse whether physical, sexual, or emotional is shaming. However, so is the silent treatment, snide remarks, and cutting comments. A simple test is to look at when you have a disagreement. Does the conversation stay respectful as you talk things out or does it move into hurtful words?

Personhood
Shaming interaction tears a person down. Shame says I am in some way bad, flawed, inadequate. Respectful interaction builds a person up. It treats the other with dignity and fosters intimacy in relationships. Intimate relationships are the key to self-esteem, confidence, the ability to take initiative, self-discipline, the freedom to try, and much more. This is a huge key because we so often think it is about trying harder or getting motivated enough.

Force Behind Addictions
All addictive behavior, whether it’s over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, or pornography is driven and maintained by roots of shame. The compulsion is a “fruit” not a “root,” and cutting it off will not solve the problem, it will grow back. We so often think our problem is the “loss of control,” and we assure ourselves we’ll change and not do it again. However, the real problem is the shame and the anxiety it produces. Anxiety needs an antidote and so we turn to some addictive behavior that provides a temporary numbing experience. All addictive behavior is about the trance-like state it brings, reducing our anxiety for a little while.

Hope
Understanding shame dynamics puts a huge tool in our hands. Fighting the “fruit” simply leaves us condemned, with feelings of failure. Getting at the shaming lies we have believed and dismantling our interactions that are not respect-based, brings lasting freedom.

Filed Under: Boundaries, Christian Coaching, control, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: , , , , ,

Non-Verbal Statements

February 18, 2011 By 1 Comment

By Cyndi

We’ve all made them and we’ve all picked up on them from others. Non-verbal statements. Our eyes, our facial expressions, our arms, our stance, all have ways of communicating without words. And they can make statements about ourselves.

Not making eye contact with someone or even dropping your head down when others approach can be a non-verbal way of expressing shame or a sense of unworthiness about yourself. Keeping your arms wrapped around you or clinching your fist can be signs of anxiety or tension. Our bodies know what we believe. We are a triune being, spirit, soul, and body, so what happens in one area will naturally affect the others.

Many of us are not aware of what we are “saying” with our body language. As a parent I may verbally agree to something my son wants, yet he looks at me with that, “Are you sure?” look, and I notice my eyebrows are furled and my arms are folded with a defensive posture. If I would take a moment to feel for a little while, I would notice that my heart really needed more time to think about this proposition before giving my consent to it. My body expressed better than my words what my heart already knew.

What about meeting new people at church or at a friend’s house? What is our non-verbal communication saying there? Are we walking around stating we are loved by the King of kings and Lord of lords, that Father God, the Creator of the universe is our loving Daddy, and that the Spirit of God is alive and dwelling in us? Or do we hide alone in a corner not wanting to talk to anyone, hoping everyone will ignore us and not find out who we are.

Now I realize we each have different personalities that God gave us, and I’m not saying we all have to be these boisterous, loud, outgoing party people. What I am trying to communicate here (and if I could physically see you I would be looking directly into your eyes) is that you are so special to God and His thoughts towards you are only good ones (Jer. 29:11). He made you the way He wanted to. You are not a mistake or an accident. Receive His love and reflect it in how you think about yourself. Hold your head high, smile your brightest smile, open your arms to hug those around you. Say it non-verbally: “I am a treasured child of God!”

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Father's Love, Shame Tagged With: , ,

Emotional Acuity

December 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

By Robert

Sharp Emotional Awareness

Cyndi and I have been attending an intense circuit training class. I have sore muscles in places I didn’t even know existed. Through this I am developing kinesthetic awareness quite well–all I have to do is notice where the soreness is.

Not only did God make us with kinesthetic awareness, but He also made us to have deep emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is the missing key in so many people’s lives. So many times it’s that missing piece that often never quite gets defined, yet without it you can’t move forward.

Misunderstanding Obedience to God

Jesus says if you obey His words, you build “your house” on the rock and not the sand (Matt.7:24-27).
Much of the church focuses on obedience to God and the consequences of disobedience, or on God’s covering grace. All of these can fall short of God’s best. Obedience is so misunderstood. It is not a result of being convinced enough or trying hard enough or being desperate enough. It is not a continual falling short but knowing God’s grace is enough. Obedience comes from maturity. A six-month old baby is not obedient at all. However, much more is expected of a teenager. Even then, if a relationship has not been cultivated that is based in respect and trust, obedience falls apart. Therefore, obedience to God, is all about emotional health.

Emotional Health is Foundational

One way to view “your house” in this passage, is as a representation of emotional health. When our emotional house is built on sand and any setbacks or contrary circumstances come, we crumble. Emotional health is vital. It determines whether we relate to God, ourselves, and others in a healthy, life-giving way. Consider these examples:

There are some people that buck at even the mildest suggestion of correction. To them it feels shameful to be wrong or have a fault of any kind, so they never learn or grow.

Also, there are people that allow others to completely run over them, usually not even realizing it happened until later.

Many people struggle with depression or lack of motivation and don’t know why. They have not been able to identify their disappointment, fear, or why they feel hopeless. It is hard to fix something when you can’t see what’s broken. ??These are just a few examples of how we can lack emotional awareness. When I know what I feel and can process those feelings appropriately, I am rooted and grounded. I know who I am, I can flow with the give and take of relationships, and I can walk in godly obedience.

Filed Under: Emotional Health Tagged With: , ,

Only Love Matures

November 4, 2010 By 1 Comment

Empowerment for Maturity

Understanding how maturity occurs is a very powerful tool in our hands for freedom. So many Christians get stuck “working harder” and end up battling condemnation. 1 John 4:18 says that “perfect (mature) love casts out fear.” When love is mature in us, it frees us of fear. All fear is based in some form of not believing we are loved.

Shame – Fear – Control Stronghold

There is a concept called the shame-fear-control stronghold by Chester and Betsy Kylstra. When someone is controlling (whether through overt anger or passive withdrawal) and relationship is cutoff, it is driven by fear. Fear, in turn, is driven by shame. Shame is based in lies we believe about ourselves. These lies are worded as such:  “I’m flawed,” “I’m helpless,” “I’m bad,” “I’m dirty,” and so forth. Prayer Ministry is the tool that can change this.

Love Not Law

It is love that addresses both fear and shame. So in a very real sense, all sin and shortcoming is about a love deficit. There is a lacking, a shortage, or deficiency of love. Something in my heart is struggling to believe that God is good and loving and has the very best in mind for me. Therefore, trying harder, sacrificing, and living “white-knuckle” Christianity does not mature us anymore than shaking an empty piggy bank more violently will produce any coins. Romans 7 says that the law is what stirs up the sinful passions of the flesh, not what restrains it. Knowing we are loved at a deep heart level sets us free from fears and the need to control. It empowers us to rest and to respond to the “unrest” of others with maturity and compassion. Fear will be “cast out” and love will take its place.

Filed Under: Father's Love, Prayer Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Accessing Provision

August 18, 2010 By 2 Comments

God is a Father that will never leave us, it is His good pleasure to give us the kingdom, we are with Him always and all that He has is ours. There is a life of serenity, of being daily grounded in His love regardless of circumstances. There is a place of living as an overcomer rather than with a slave mentality like the children of Israel in the wilderness. However, the big question is, how do we access it?

Here’s a profound truth – to receive help we have to be able to ask for it. Nevertheless, the asking can feel really vulnerable, even like something is wrong with me or I have a weakness. Why is this a struggle for so many?

Growing up with an angry father communicated clearly to me the three rules of a dysfunctional family: don’t trust, don’t talk, and don’t feel. There was no model for asking for help. Having a problem meant either ridicule or punishment. So if I can’t ask for help and receive it in a healthy way, what’s left? A victim mentality, complaining, self-pity, acting helpless, and acting out.

The way up is the way down. It is not getting stronger but getting weaker that brings the victory.

2 Corinthians 12–“My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why I delight in weaknesses… For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Filed Under: destiny, Encouragement, Personhood, Shame Tagged With: , , , ,
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