I became frustrated with myself because of a habit I’ve had for almost 50 years: picking at my cuticles and the skin around my finger nails. I’ve done this in my car, in church, at work, in meetings, and just about everywhere I go. By the end of the day there would be a pile of dead skin. It would upset and embarrass me but I couldn’t stop. I had prayed for years that God would help me quit the picking. I knew He would, but it hadn’t happened yet. It became almost unbearable if I thought about not picking at my fingers.

I felt I would be out of control of my own body if I didn’t pick.

Robert Hartzell did some Theophostic ministry with me about this. The first thing that popped into my head was a memory involving the first time my step-uncle had molested me almost 50 years ago. All I could feel was anger. It was based on the realization that this was the first time I had been introduced to pornography and the thoughts of the struggle I had with it for many years as a direct result. I saw myself taking a hammer to his head and bashing it in. I’ve never been a violent person and this was a new experience for me.

I had never had any emotion surface about the times he had molested me. I had reasoned that it had never been as bad as it could have been, and during those times I always felt like I would just rather have been someplace else. In the session with Robert, God led me to forgiveness for my step-uncle and spoke His truth to lies I had believed as a result of this experience.

Finally, I dealt with a fear that the next day I would go right back to picking again regardless of the Theophostic ministry I had received. I felt God say to me in response, “I’ll be responsible for that.” I felt total peace about myself in the memory. The memory was still there, what happened, happened. It couldn’t be changed. However, I was no longer angry or frustrated with myself for not taking control of my own body. I now knew that this habit was within my control now and I could choose not to pick at my fingers.

It has now been more than a week later. I have driven my car to work and back every day, sat in church, and been in meetings. I have not felt the compulsion to pick at my fingers, not once! God has finally delivered me from this habit. Praise God.

Steve

So what exactly is Prayer Ministry? Quite simply, it is prayer. It is honestly looking at and facing the pain in our life, then asking God to speak to it. We, as prayer ministers, do not seek to give advice, diagnose, provide insight, or give direction.

So often, Christian counselors inadvertently move people toward victim thinking in seeking to solve their problems for them, or even get a word of the Lord for them. Of course, people are happy for you to solve their problems for them if you let them, but this brings little lasting fruit and may lead to ego on the part of the minister. Any form of ministry that places me, the minister, as a person’s “source” is moving toward dangerous ground. People are really quite capable of hearing from the Lord themselves with a little support.

Prayer ministry should encourage people to discovery. A prayer minister should not take on the responsibility at any level to resolve a person’s problems, issues or pain in life, but should encourage people to own their own emotional pain, take responsibility for their own thinking, not blame other people or circumstances for their emotional reactions and move forward toward God’s resolution.

When people are willing to take ownership, I see them get free every time. When a person chooses to face their pain, God always shows up.

“I don’t think about negative things, I confess good things.” “I’m a new creature in Christ Jesus, old things are passed away.”

Is this walking in victory - no matter how many times the negative thoughts come I am able to cast them down? Is it a matter of building my willpower to the point of never resorting to depression or anger or giving in to ice cream?

How can I know if I have overcome in a particular area? What is the fruit of true healing?

There is a concept of maintenance free victory, a victory wherein we do not have to use constant willpower. This is a place of not having to rebuke the devil constantly, nor of casting down thoughts and imaginations continuously. We are free. If a negative thought does arise we can easily cast it aside and that is the end of it, there is no continual battle. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes this well:

“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality – safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky, nor are we afraid. That is our experience.” p.84

What many people call healing is actually denial.

We hide from our strongholds with defense mechanisms, fearing to give up the only control we know to try to feel safe and get our needs met.

The huge trap of the enemy is to either keep us in denial or get us to face things in our own strength, which leads to failure, frustration, and giving up. The secret to freedom is to discover the lie that hinders us from trusting God. Then it is easy – we will not need denial anymore. We can have victory without white knuckle Christianity!

I never forgot that event. How must it feel to be picked on like that throughout your childhood? I can only imagine the feelings of shame and rejection Joey felt. Even the boys who committed the cruelty had to have experienced some shame and hardness of heart. These things do not typically just go away. They can create pockets of un-forgiveness that we are only slightly aware of many years later and yet they affect us. Events like this can also move us to embrace lies like we are inadequate or helpless.

Many of us have received treatment like this, have given it, or at least witnessed it. I ministered to one man whose mother had left and was being raised by his father. One time he overheard his dad on the phone say, “I hope one day I’ll have a son, because this one I have is good for nothing.”

Sometimes when we think of past events like this we have that slight cringing feeling or a tight fist in our chest. That might indicate it is unresolved. God can bring us to the place where we can think about any past event with total peace, compassion for the ones who were hurtful and even a sense of God’s presence in place of the cringing because He has brought healing. Here are some steps to consider.

Three requirements for healing:

1)   You must hurt enough that you have no choice but to change.

2)   You must learn enough that you have hope for change.

3)   You must receive enough unconditional love that you are motivated towards change.

When the Bible talks about the consequences of not forgiving, it is real, a principle as real as that of gravity. We cannot have peace, joy, or rest when we are walking around with unresolved issues, violating the law of judgment. This lady struggled with depression. Depression always involves negative thinking; it has to do with too many internal conflicts. Having depression or being Bi-Polar certainly can include a chemical imbalance, but to make medication the only answer is woefully inadequate. Negative thinking comes from judgments we have made and lies we have believed about our self worth.

The woman I was ministering to had a lot of conflict in relation to her mother and even wished when she was younger her parents would have divorced. Her mother was controlling and often crossed her boundaries. The principle of fruit and root says that there is a reason for everything. Once we discovered why she was holding on to the anger, she was able to let it go. Suddenly God’s love flooded her heart with compassion and she started saying, “I love you Mom! I love you Mom!”  By doing the legal work, she suddenly had an understanding of the brokenness her mom had been living with. Not only did she feel compassion, joy, and peace, the negative thoughts and feelings of depression left as well.

Feelings of depression do not always clear up this easily; sometimes it takes a number of sessions to clean up all the “viruses” that may be slowing us down. However, when we are faithful to do the legal work, we always find freedom.

Family Systems

Understanding shame is an absolutely huge key to freedom. In psychology, there is a concept called Family Systems. It is simply a consideration of a family’s patterns or “systems” of interaction with one another. For example, most of us would be familiar with the idea that in an alcoholic family everyone gets sick, not just the one drinking. But there are two core ways family members interact with one another: 1) on a foundation of respect, or 2) on a foundation of shame. The reality is that the majority of families have some mixture of both. What does this have to do with walking in freedom? Everything!  (Please see psychology footnote)

Respect vs. Shame

A respect base, in a nutshell, has to do with valuing one another’s opinions, rights, or personhood. Problems and conflicts do not result in attacking the other’s identity. Disagreements are talked out and resolution is found. A shame base mixes behavior and identity. It communicates insult-the person not only did wrong, but they are wrong! People communicate this in a thousand different ways. A key concept behind shame is that it treats a person as an object, disregarding their feelings, their personhood. Just as pornography treats a woman as an object, so relationship “cutoffs” (an expression of shame) treats any person as an object. Most families have some level of shaming interaction. Shame-based interaction supports and maintains all addictive and compulsive behavior, including drug, alcohol, and sex addiction, as well as struggles with overeating, overspending and even emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

Intimacy

A relationship “cutoff” is when in any way my words or attitudes demean another, or any time I give someone the silent treatment. This communicates shame to the one receiving it. These little foxes are not so little. They do not just cut off general relationship, they cut off intimacy. The problem is that God created us for intimacy, and if we do not find it in legitimate ways, we will find it in illegitimate ways. This is why shame brings anxiety and loneliness, and drives us to fill that void with “something” (drugs, sex, food, money, control).

Learning to recognize shame does not solve all our problems but it does reveal to us where the problems lie. If we can see that we can see how to pray over it and get free.

Footnote

Psychology – “Psych” means soul and “ology” means the study of. Just as with biology or geology or any other science, things can be learned through observation and testing. This in no way implies that we can bypass the cross and blood of Jesus for any real help anyone can receive. However, the insights can be very useful in helping us understand how to apply the cross and the blood. Nowhere does the Bible claim to be an exhaustive study of man’s behavior. Just because the Bible does not explicitly spell out the concept of family systems does not mean we cannot glean some insight from the concept. The Bible also does not spell out the laws governing aerodynamics or the combustion engine either, but none of us contemplates ceasing to drive or fly. To hit a little closer to home, there is nowhere in the Bible where anyone ever prayed a sinner’s prayer.