The other day Robert and I were going to go grab a bite to eat for lunch. He suggested a sandwich shop or a pizza place, but I was in the mood for Chinese food. After a brief discussion, we ended up getting Chinese 
take-out. I knew what I had wanted so I stated it clearly, but not demandingly. As we drove away, the Lord reminded me of some changes that have taken place in my life over the last few years.
There was a point in time where I could hardly make a decision on my own. If you would have asked me what I wanted to do, without thinking I would have replied, “I don’t care, whatever you want.” If you would have asked me where I wanted to go out for dinner, I would have replied, “I don’t care, wherever you want.” If you would have asked me what movie I wanted to see, I would again have replied, “I don’t care, whatever one you would like.” It wasn’t that I really didn’t care, though I thought so at the time, it was that I didn’t know what I truly felt. I didn’t take the time to think and ask myself those questions—I thought my point of view had no value.
My emotions had been pushed so far down in order to please others and “follow the rules,” that I had stopped considering what my own feelings were or what opinions I might have. This happened because I allowed my emotional boundaries to be crossed—I had allowed others to tell me what I should think and feel.
Boundaries are where one thing stops and another thing begins. Think about borders of countries or even
a fence, for example—one area is separated from another. In people, there can be physical, mental and emotional boundaries that define who we are, and who we are not. Whenever these lines are crossed without permission, it takes away from my personhood, blurring the point of what makes me, me and you, you.
If I agree with everybody and everything, changing my beliefs, opinions, and morals to morph with whomever I am with, then I am not defined. I become like a child, as Paul states in Ephesians 4:14, who is “tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine.”
Others can influence me to the point where I really don’t know what I believe, nor why. My own personhood doesn’t get developed. I stop making decisions based on what I think or want because I’m more concerned with what others think or want. Eventually, for me, this led to believing that they really do know what’s best and that my views or impressions didn’t have any value or worth. I didn’t set an emotional boundary that said, “You have a right to your likes and dislikes, and I have a right to mine.”
At times I still struggle to set boundaries with others, but knowing Father God sees me as a unique individual with value, and Who made me different from others for a reason, has given me great strength and courage to define myself. My decision making has gotten better too. Now, if I say, “I don’t care, whatever you want,” then it’s because I already thought about it, and I truly don’t have a preference. Although Chinese food is one of my favorites.
About cyndi
Cyndi:
Thanks, this is a great article and a good reminder to all of us about setting healthy boundaries and what it’s like when we walk in the true legitimacy of our Father.
Blessings,
Gerri
Thanks Gerri. We’ll probably be having a class or workshop on boundaries soon. @Gerri Taylor
Hi Cyndi.
Good word and well put!
Blessings,
Dr J
Great article, Cyndi….. I thought you were going with Robert. I’m praying for him….. I see where Darren’s 17th birthday is today. Is that possible? What happened to that little boy in the D.R.? love ya!
Hi Cyndi
I just want to cry when I read this for I’ve lived almost my whole life putting others first
and considering other people before myself and ending up doing without squashing my own heartfelt desires to do so many things, and now my parents are all but gone, my family has all grown up, my husband is kept busy with his full time job and I feel like I’m on a scrap heap.
I’ve been put down so much by those closest to me I feel so useless yet Ache to Do Something of Worth. Sorry for sounding so pathetic
Lynn, first of all, you’re not pathetic and useless. We all have a purpose and value in Father God’s sight. For me, it was only when I learned how much Father truly loved me, did I begin to get a sense of my own worth. I would recommend a CD series Robert has, Experiencing Father’s Love, that may help. We have it listed on Amazon, under Robert Hartzell. Know that God never puts us on a scrap heap.Take care and stay in touch.@lynn lindsay
Thanks Cyndi
Will look on Amazon for Robert’s CD series.
I know God hasn’t put me on a scrap heap, but I feel I’ve done that because of where I’ve been and feel I’ve let Him and myself and others down too!
I just Thank Father God for He is the prodigal’s Father and it’s not over till He says so, and He specialises in those who can’t help themselves; just Long to be who He made me to be
Hi again Cyndi
Just tried to get Robert’s CD series from Amazon uk, but it’s not listed, so tried Amazon.com and although I found Robert’s CD’s on Amazon.com, they can’t mail it to me here in Scotland.
Is there any other way I could get it mailed to me?
Lynn
Thanks for sharing this… I too struggle in this area… Still learning how to voice my opinion, instead of just allowing people to make them for me. In fact, I tried to start a journal that jots down the things I do like..
having an awareness of something and being able to put language to it is something i am learning to do and celebrate. so many times we just go thru the motions and don’t question why we do or don’t do a certain thing. getting to the root is even better, painful but better. facing who we are and then realizing that we can change with God’s grace is amazing. thank you for putting language to an age old problem of mine. i would often marvel at other’s ability to make decisions! i am learning how, now that i know why i never could.
Thank you for posting that blog. I have not heard those thoughts / truths articulated in such a way. Very insightful! Blessings!
@Eliz That’s a great idea! Maybe I’ll do that too.
@lois You’re so right. We don’t always question why we do or don’t do things. well put! Roots are tough to find sometimes.
an excellent teaching by arthur burk in his sonship series helped me considerably. he was pointing out the seven models of healing that coincided with the seven redemptive gifts. God gave arthur further revelation that there were also seven components of proper fathering. type A father wounds (the absence of things we needed and didn’t get) are in all of us! the things that we did not get in childhood, we crave in adulthood. the servant model is when the child does not have the priveledge of ‘exploring’. we then find as adults we lose ourselves trying to live out in our 40′s what we couldn’t live out when we were two yrs old. (searching and daydreaming..) we can recognize in these 7 ways of parenting where our deficeits are. the good news (acc’d to arthur) is God is already working to transform and heal us. he is committed to ‘reparenting’ us thru the daily stuff of life. we need to recognise and partner with him in his agenda for us to be fully reparented, to make us sons not slaves. ..we are on a journey together and i am glad for people who have woken up to see ‘things are not what they seem’. we need new tools, fresh bread and a God who is intimately pursuiing his bride..Jesus is near and that thought keeps me thru it all.
Hi Cyndi, This is an excellent article that describes me perfectly. I am somewhat better than I used to be but I sill have trouble setting boundaries sometimes. I think it has affected by health as well, and it is something I am working on. It was really good to read this in print and think about what I need to change. Thank you for a good article. Love, Pam